Ted Cruz Challenges Rapscallion 'President' Obama To Fight Club Him To Death

Rrrrready to Rrrrrrrrumble!

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OH MY STARS, there is going to be a duel on the White House lawn at high noon, and it is going to be PEW PEW! and big man arms flexing and afterward all the women will be sexed in celebration. Also, Ted Cruz will be there. Because he has challenged Barack Obama to a FIGHT! He is very angry and upset, in his misshapen weenie dog way, that Obama is making fun of him and other Republicans, with their "WE ARE SO SKEEEEERED!" plans to ban Syrian Muslims from setting foot on American shores:

It's fairly remarkable that President Obama has now chosen two days in a row to attack me directly. He just called me offensive, the day before he called me "un-American."


I think that's really quite rich that he chose to make both of those insults on foreign soil, while he was abroad, attacking me, and attacking everyone else in this country who believes we should not be bringing in tens of thousand Syrian Muslim refugees [...]

It is utterly unbefitting of the president to be engaging in those kind of personal insults and attacks. And also, he talked about how he was belittling the Republican field as scared. Let me suggest something, Mr. President. If you want to insult me, you can do it overseas, you can do it in Turkey, you can do it in foreign countries, but I would encourage you, Mr. President, come back and insult me to my face.

"ANY TIME, ANY PLACE," says Ted Cruz. "UM OKAY, LOL, I GUESS I WILL PRETEND TO BE FRIGHTENED NOW," Obama probably said, once he stopped laughing.

STOP LAUGHING, BARRY, The Cruzenator is SERIOUS! He's already put his fightin' panties on and picked his weapon of choice, which is a wrecking ball he got in a pawn shop in his native Canada, or maybe it was a prop in his first hardcore gay porn movie:

Ted Cruz's weapon of choice.

So, we're pretty sure Barack Obama can dickslap this mofo down. He is in the Philippines right now, but he heard the news come across the "Don't Start No Shit Won't Be No Shit" transmitter #Presidents and #Bosses and #NotTedCruzes get, and he was all:

And then Joe Biden heard the news, which made him very "Boy Howdy, it's beat-ass time!" and he probably started calling all his friends who are motorcycle gang members, like The Onion always talks about.

Is Joe going to wear his boxing gloves? BET YOUR SWEET ASS HE IS. He got them as a prize when he posed for Wonket's Joe Biden Punchy Boxing Guy coffee cup!

So then Joe Biden went to the White House, where he posed for this press conference picture with the president Barry "BAMZ TED CRUZ IN HIS DORK FACE" Obama:

This is what happens, when dumb pansy boy Canadians like Ted Cruz get SERVED.

And then SEXXXY Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was like "HEY WONKET, who are you calling 'Canadian'?" He was wearing his boxing gloves too, and little else, because there is a God:

And Wonket was like "We are sorry for saying that, we know you don't want Ted Cruz in Canada either," and Trudeau accepted our apology, and said "Real Canada menfolk speak the language of love, but first lemme beat up Ted Cruz a few times, for LOLs." So Wonket said, "OK!" and then we kissed with tongues forever.

Anyway, after the fight, Ted Cruz probably died, or at least got deported to Canada, Cuba, or for honest, LITERALLY ANYWHERE THE PRESIDENT WANTS HIM TO GO, because Ted Cruz is all yap-yap-SNARL! and no bite, and also a total pussy, the end.

Boo hoo don't care.

[MSNBC / @AugustJPollak on Tweeter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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