Ted Cruz Demands Next President Start His Day Praying To Jesus Or Giving Head

He pledges allegiance to the Bible ...

Another week, another Jesusfestapalooza of Jesus-Americans letting their Jesus-freak flag fly, in the name of the holy spirit of founding fathers, amen. This one was called the "National Religious Liberties Conference," emceed by rightwing radio preacher Kevin Swanson, homeschooling advocate and hater of homosextarians, Mark Twain, and Girl Scouts.

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Swanson invited all 2016 presidential candidates, but only managed to get Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, and Ted Cruz to show up and speak in tongues to the attendees. No idea why Rick Santorum didn't show up to an event that seems perfectly suited for his brand of religious insanity. Maybe he was too busy trying to convince Peggy not to abandon him just yet.

The shindig sounds like it was a real H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS of a good time, with Swanson at one point declaring that if his son were to ever gay-marry a gay, Swanson would, among other things, cover himself in cow shit to protest the event. You do you, buddy.

Here was another fun moment of freaky. Swanson started his special one-on-one time with Cruz by asking what Swanson says is "the most important question" for candidates to answer:

How important is it for the president of the United States to fear God and what does that mean to you?

The Ivy League-educated esquire and senator responded by explaining that our Constitution has no religious test for elected office, so a president's beliefs about God are irrelevant, haha, just kidding obviously, duh, here is what Cruz actually said:

Any president who doesn't begin every day on his knees isn't fit to be commander-in-chief of this country.

Since Cruz does not say the words "praying to Jesus," it's possible he means a president should begin HIS day (or her day, as the case will be come January 2017, ahem) kneeling in some sort of non-religious position, like looking for spare change on the floor of the Oval Office, or sucking dick. Or maybe lady-dick.

But since we are not total fucking idiots, we can read between the lines of Cruz's not-so-subtle declaration that a president should start HIS day on HIS knees, praying to any god of HIS choice, so long as it is the Christian kind. Because Cruz, defender of Israel and the Jewishes, certainly knows Jews do not kneel in prayer, so sorry, Bernie Sanders, you're out. And we feel confident assuming Cruz doesn't want a dirty Islamic Muslim starting HIS day on HIS knees, facing Mecca.

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So we are left with the only possible conclusion: Ted Cruz, who has shamelessly advertised himself as the candidate for Jesus-Americans, believes you're only fit to be president if you love the shit outta Jesus. It's an interesting position for the guy who also advertises himself as the candidate for Americans who cherish religious liberty. Why, it's almost as if when Cruz talks about "religious liberty," he's really talking about Christian supremacy, with American law interpreted to favor Christians, who are the only kind of Americans whose constitutional rights matter.

[RightWingWatch / Joe.My.God]


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