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Unfuckable face


Oh Ted Cruz. You know, of all the people in the political universe we want to be imagining sex scandaling his dong into assorted ladies or gentlemen, Ted Cruz is not one of them. Ew yuck breakfast gone. BUT HERE WE ARE.

A few days back, the National Enquirer published a SEXPLOSIVE SEXGASM SEXSCOOP that Ted Cruz had been stickin' it to five different ladies, none of whom were named Mrs. Heidi Cruz. At the time, he called the report "garbage" and blamed it on Donald Trump.

But then beganneth whispers and rumors that uh oh, Ted Cruz's name might be in the infamous, mysteriously deceased DC Madam's little black book! Is it true? Megyn Kelly wanted to know during Monday's Fox News town hall hootenanny speed dating session:

KELLY: Have you committed adultery in your marriage?

CRUZ: I have not. That attack was complete and utter garbage. It was complete lies.

At least that is a denial! He also says it's still Trump's fault that all this shit is being said:

It's completely made-up nonsense. It's simply not true. I have always been faithful to my wife. I love my wife. She's my best friend in the world. This is the kind of garbage the Trump campaign engages in. You know why? Because they can't debate substance.

Oh OK, he loves Heidi, they are BFFs, he's always been faithful to her, Trump is bad, nothing to see here, post over.

UNLESS we want to look at the UTTER GARBAGE AND COMPLETE LIES, according to Radar:

Montgomery Blair Sibley, a former lawyer for madam Deborah Palfrey, has filed a dramatic appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court for permission to publish her unconventional “black book,” which consists of some 15,000 pages of phone records and calls to clients, as well as their calls requesting the $300-an-hour services from her gaggle of beautiful hookers! [...]

Investigator Wayne Madsen, who was on a team of reporters hired by Hustler Magazine’s boisterous owner Larry Flynt to investigate the madam, told The ENQUIRER that Cruz should be concerned!

“If Montgomery Sibley has what he says he has, it has to be Cruz,” he said in an interview — an advance copy of which was provided to Radar.

“Going on what I know about the other male candidates still in the race, it isn’t any of them, and Palfrey didn’t provide call boys, so it wasn’t Hillary.”

UNLESS HILLARY IS A LESBIAN, MUST CREDIT WONKET.

So, as we see it, there are three options here:

  1. Ted Cruz has definitely used his punchy-faced Canadian charm (EW) or his checkbook to make sexes to ladies whenever he wants, and he is also a big liar.
  2. Ted Cruz USED to do all these things with the DC Madam's ladypals, but then he married Heidi and they lived happily ever after and Ted's hookworm-shaped penis never was used for bad sexes, not never again.
  3. It's all made up and Donald Trump is one of the demons Ted Cruz's dry-drunk fundamentalist dad said would try to keep God's Chosen Son Ted from being president, by saying lies about what he does with his filthy Cruz Missile.

Weirdly, we do not think it is the third thing. It's NEVER the third thing. It's like the old expression says: Where there's smoke, there's usually Ted Cruz's poutine-splattered sinner dick somewhere nearby.

[Mediaite / Radar / ABC]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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