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He really wants someone to give him a spanking


Punchy-faced poutine poop Ted Cruz really wants to do some fight club to someone. Anyone. Please? But the first rule of Ted Cruz Fight Club is that nobody gives a balmy wet fart about fighting him. It's also the second rule and we think it might be the third rule too, but we forgot.

[contextly_sidebar id="HX8Cflb1AjRLwTamhF6zpcRbOCt1tW5Q"]Last November, Cruz challenged President Obama to call Ted Cruz a crusty splooge sock, to his face. But President Obama was like, "Nah, I'm watching paint dry that day. Sorry not sorry." Now Cruz wants Donald Trump to kick him and call him an unlegal stupid Canadian foreign -- like, more than he already has:

"We'll do 90 minutes, Lincoln-Douglas, mano-a-mano, Donald and me," Cruz said. "He can lay out his vision for this country, and I can lay out my vision for this country in front of the men and women of Iowa." [...]

"He's been saying this past week he thinks I'm stupid," Cruz slyly said on conservative Mark Levin's radio program also on Tuesday night. "He should do very well with someone who is so stupid — away from moderators he's so afraid of."

[contextly_sidebar id="ANv8m5rMX3qWNqSC2Z5vO1KKWzL31Td7"]Stupid Ted Cruz (hey, he said it himself!) thinks he is scoring so many debate points by calling Donald Trump a fraidy-cat girly-man for refusing to appear at Thursday night's Fox New debate, moderated by she-witch Megyn Kelly and her mean blood-oozing face-vag.

"I'd like to hear Donald explain to the American people and to the people of Iowa how he is prepared to be commander-in-chief if he's terrified by a television host."

We'd like to hear Ted Cruz explain to the American people how he is prepared to be commander-in-chief if he thinks the media is TOO MEAN too. Oh, did he already forget that part? That part where he performed a whiny rehearsed monologue about the terrible unfair debate questions at the CNBC-hosted debate in October? Cuz we didn't.

[contextly_sidebar id="fscRLCanOfuzXg6g0OzG0091NI1GfXui"]In fact, we specifically remember (because we looked it up to remind ourselves) that Cruz -- who literally just called for a "mano-a-mano" fight with Trump -- insisted in October, "This is not a cage match." And the rest of the Republican candidates, and the Republican National Committee, had all the sad hurt feelings about how those debate questions were just TOO MEAN to the poor dear delicate little flowers who brag they have ballsacks big enough to face Vladimir Putin and Hitlery Clinton and Saddam Hussein Osama bin Obama and all the other bad guys.

But that was different, of course.

[contextly_sidebar id="298kyQCPe3R24NyR39MeLcdZxG4pJNp5"]Stupid thinks-he's-so-smart Ted Cruz is pretty sure he can beat Donald Trump in a debate, if only given the chance. Besides all the chances he's already been given in all the debates he hasn't won yet, that is. He was so good at master debating when he was a smarmy Ivy League college brat. (Also good at Les Misérables karaoke too.)

But maybe Cruz can land a punch if it's just him and The Donald duking it out about how Trump's mama so Scottish and how Cruz hates New York, and the United States of America, where he's not even from. Without those pesky interruptions from debate moderators and other candidates. (Shut UP, Jeb Bush, no one cares.)

And yeah, we'd watch the hell out of that, for sure. The only question is which one we'd want to win. Haha, just kidding, we will cheer for both of them to lose.

[NBC News via TPM]

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