Ted Cruz Grows Dick

sooooooo dreamy

[contextly_sidebar id="MLsCJZVCwk7ZCd281hEyP7eYc0WapCw8"]FINALLY! This entire week has been an exercise of Donald Trump calling Ted Cruz's wife an ugly whore with a dirty secret, and Ted saying "Well I never!" and "Oh my stars!" and "Heidi is a very nice lady and your wife Melania sure is the bees' boobies!" When oh when, we have been wondering, will Heidi Cruz get her creepy Canadian husband in a headlock and say, "LISTEN UP, MAPLE LEAF. If you don't fucking defend me, our annual bout of sexual intercourse is CANCELED." Well finally it seems like that's happened, because sniveling Ted Cruz is sniveling MAD at that "sniveling coward" Donald Trump.

Stand back kids, you don't want to get hit in the chin by the dick Ted's suddenly growing right now for the first time ever, and you certainly don't want to be in the crossfire when it starts going "Pew! Pew pew! Pew pew!"

It's not easy to tick me off!

(Even when he is growing a Canadian Anger Dick right in front of your eyes, Ted doesn't say cusses. Jesus and Ted's dry-drunk dad HATE cusses.)

I don't get angry often. But you mess with my wife, you mess with my kids, that'll do it every time! Donald, you're a sniveling coward and leave Heidi the hell alone!


With this statement, Ted contorted his bad punchable face into a MAD punchable face. Trivia fact: This is also Ted's Pinching Off A Loaf Of Bad Poutine face. Trivia fact #2: Also his "O" face.

[contextly_sidebar id="zDG0KV1FXj5K1OQBE3TmopLXQjGAgHGQ"]His new penis fully esconced on the section of his body his dad told him he's not supposed to ever mention, Ted Cruz turned his head to face a reporter's question, the first one he's ever answered as the proud owner of one (1) dick. Is Ted Cruz willing to at last stop being a ginormous pussy and actually say he won't support Trump if when he gets the GOP nomation?

I'm gonna BEAT him for the nomination!

Reporter: "That's not answering the question." And he continues to not answer the question, because he's still a pussy:

I am answering the question. Donald Trump will not be the nominee. Donald Trump will not be the nominee.

We didn't say he grew a big dick.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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