Ted Cruz Has A 'Basic Suggestion' For Democrats, And I Have One For Him


Dear Ted Cruz: $%^$%@^!!!!!

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas is not a smart man. Oh, I know, I know. There's a conservative fairy tale that Cruz is REALLY smart (Democrats, beware!) because he went to Princeton and Harvard Law School and was super good at debating, and Harvard Professor Alan Dershowitz called him "off-the-charts brilliant."

But given his complete misunderstanding of the First Amendment -- no, it does not protect your constitutional right to be on the tee vee -- and his total miscomprehension of Green Eggs and Ham -- no, the moral of the story is NOT that you should never try something new that scares you, like say Obamacare, because you probably won't like it so don't even bother -- it's hard to detect the off-the-charts brilliance of Ted Cruz lurking under all that mind-numbing idiocy.

Cruz served up some of his signature stupid on the Senate floor Wednesday to protest the Democrats' bill to fix Hobby Lobby. Republicans killed the bill, as we all knew they would, but at least Democrats can tell voters they tried to do something good, so now everyone who is running for election this fall wins. Hooray, I guess.

One of Cruz's favorite pastimes, when he's not demanding investigations into black voters voting like some kind of voters who are allowed to vote or watching goat porn (hey, it seems like something he would do, doesn't it?), is whining SO hard about "religious freedom," by which he means the freedom of Catholics and evangelicals to dictate policy to America, because, like his daddy says, "America is a Christian nation."

On the Senate floor, Cruz accused Democrats of waging a war against the Catholic Church because of their failed attempt to un-exempt employers who SINCERELY believe stuff from having to comply with federal law if they SINCERELY believe they do not like that law. Prior to the Supreme Court's Hobby Lobby ruling (yup, still mad about that), such employers would have faced a fine if they refused to comply with the law, because here in America, if you break the law, theoretically, you will face penalties for breaking the law. (Obviously, this does not apply to the rich and powerful because that would be RIDICULOUS.)

Sayeth Sen. Off-the-Charts:

The bill that is being voted on this floor, if it were adopted, would fine the Little Sisters of the Poor millions of dollars unless these Catholic nuns are willing to pay for abortion-producing drugs for others.

I know Cruz is a master debater and a lawyer from Hahvahd and all, but I think he means abortion inducing drugs. But let's not squabble about semantics; let's get right to the part where he is just dead-as-fried-chicken wrong. The part where he claims that Catholic nuns would be forced to pay for abortion-whatevering drugs? Yeah, that's wrong, because a) the contraception mandate mandates contraception coverage, not abortion coverage, that is why it is a contraception mandate and not an abortion mandate; b) thanks to decades of jackass conservatives like Cruz, it is ILLEGAL for just about anyone to pay for abortions, but most definitely ILLEGAL to force anyone else, like Catholic nuns, to pay for abortion; and c) I am going to develop goddamned carpal tunnel syndrome from all the times I have typed out this really simple statement of fact, which is a fact: CONTRACEPTION PREVENTS PREGNANCY, ABORTION TERMINATES PREGNANCY. So, therefore, ergo, and ipso facto, a method of contraception CANNOT BE abortion if it prevents pregnancy in the first place, DUH, HELLO, NOW MY FINGERS HURT, OW.

I would also like to say, for the permanent record, that I am shedding precisely zero tears for the Little Sisters of the Poor, who supposedly are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy operating nursing homes and doing nice nun things for the poor, like Jesus said, that they cannot even find the time to fill out a REALLY SUPER DUPER burdensome form that says they would like to be exempt from federal law, please and thank you. They're not too busy to pursue a lawsuit, mind you, but they are simply unable to exercise their religion if mean ol' Obama requires them, in order to assert their bullshit-in-the-first-place right to not comply with the law, to fill out this REALLY SUPER DUPER burdensome form:

The form asks for the name of the “objecting organization” and the name, title, address and phone number of the person certifying that it opposes providing contraceptive coverage.

Well, huh. What with having to fill in a name, address, AND phone number, which could take months and months, it's understandable that the nuns would feel all oppressed and shit. How can they even minister to the poor if one of them has to write their name on a piece of paper? DAMN YOU, OBAMA. Guess Cruz is right, and the Democrats are waging a war on the Catholic Church, which is why Obama met with the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops a thousand times to negotiate these absurd exemptions so bishops and nuns would not have to be sad that every woman in America, including the Catholic kind, uses birth control. Of course that was not enough for the bishops, who are behind most of these "religious liberty" lawsuits because, well, to be quite honest, the bishops are assholes. Major fucking assholes. True story.

But Cruz is quite sure Democrats should be listening to the bishops and the church and the boo hoo nuns who are boo hooing about how basically impossible it is to nun if they have to fill out a form.

“Let me make a basic suggestion,” Cruz said. “If you’re litigating against nuns, you have probably done something wrong, and the Obama administration is doing so right now. Mr. President, drop your faith fines. Mr. Majority leader, drop your faith fines. To all of my Democratic colleagues, drop your faith fines. Get back to the shared values that stitch all of us together as Americans.”

Again, I know I am not a Hahvahd lawyer like Cruz, but I do not believe it is technically accurate to suggest that Democrats are litigating against the nuns, on account of how the nuns initiated the lawsuit, so, you know, THEY STARTED IT. (That's a legal term.) And while "faith fines" is a clever way of saying "penalty for breaking the law," which is what the nuns are doing because they refuse to fill out a goddamned form, it is sort of, um ... what is the word? Oh yes. Bullshit. It is bullshit. (That's a legal term too.) No one is fining the nuns for their faith. They can faith all they want, however they want. Free of charge. They even get their own special form that says "We do not want to comply with the law because REASONS," and voila! They do not have to comply with the law. That is an extra special privilege most Americans do not enjoy, unless I somehow missed the memo that I can opt out of laws I do not like, and shield my precious monies from paying for things I SINCERELY BELIEVE are wrong, such as war and such as the government executing convicted criminals and such as paying the salary of people like Ted Cruz. (Just checked my spam folder. Nope, no memo. Darn.)

So let me make a basic suggestion to Sen. Smarty Pants: Shut. Up.

You are wrong about everything. Your science is wrong. Your history is wrong. Your understanding of religious freedom is wrong. Your understanding of the First Amendment is wrong. Your precious bishops, whom you said we should all be listening to, have been listened to SO HARD that we invented a special Jesus-says-you-don't-have-to-follow-the-law-if-you-don't-wanna loophole just for them. Even though some people (like me, for example, I am one of those people) have said it was a mistake from the beginning to listen to the bishops because where in the Constitution does it say that a religious organization has any right to dictate our health care policy, HUH? In fact, if you read the First Amendment instead of just invoking it to criticize stuff you don't like, you'll see it's pretty clear that we should NOT be letting the bishops, or any other religious group, establish our government's policies because it says right there in the actual words that the government SHALL NOT DO THAT.

And P.S., TED. While the constant assertion that anyone is waging a war on the Catholic Church is just plain wrong, wrong, wrong, so wrong, allow me to confess my unpopular opinion. Maybe we should. Not only because they are major fucking assholes (see above re: major fucking assholes), but because also too they are still, despite their pinky-swears that they totally do not do this anymore, protecting priests who rape kids. Which does not seem very holy or Jesus-y to me. Maybe we shouldn't listen to the bishops AT ALL about any goddamned thing until they cut that shit out and spend more time protecting actual children than whining about non-existent children who are being Holocausted by all the sluts who use birth control. You know, for the children.


Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. For the children.


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