Ted Cruz Hasn't Sticked 17 Kids In His Wife's Babyhole So Stop Whining, Hillary

You probably don't want to think about how Ted Cruz does the nasty to his wife. You probably don't want to think about Ted Cruz at all, really. But too bad for you. It's his turn to enjoy his moment in the Republican presidential wannabe spotlight -- in November, he finally busted into double-digit polling territory , woo hoo, watch out, Donald Trump! -- so brace your throats for SO much Cuban-Canadian crock getting crammed right down them.

Here's Ivy League smarty-pants boy wonder Cruz at a townhall in Iowa, explaining how Hillary Clinton invented the "war on women," which is demonstrably nonexistent because Cruz has a lifetime supply of condoms he saved up during his virginal college years, so he can sex his wife for pleasure, not procreation:

I have never met anybody, any conservative, who wants to ban contraceptives. As I noted, Heidi and I, we have two little girls. I'm very glad we don't have 17. [ The crowd laughs and applauds. Suck it, Duggars. ]

And it's a great example of what happened with Republicans. The war on women came up, Republicans would curl up in a ball, they'd say, “Don't hurt me!” Jiminy Cricket, this is a made up, nonsense example. Last I checked, we don't have a rubber shortage in America.

Look, when I was in college we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and wa-la! [ We assume thecum laudePrincetonian means “voila.” ] So yes, anyone who wants contraceptives can access them, but it's an utterly made-up nonsense issue.

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You know what else is made-up nonsense? Oh, just everything Cruz is saying. Because no one has ever suggested there's a shortage of condoms in America, even if Cruz has stockpiled most of them in his panties drawer. What has been suggested, because of how it is true and factual, is that Republicans oppose affordable and accessible contraception that doesn't involve Cruz wrapping his dick in latex. You know, like all the methods of contraception we ladies have prescribed to us by our doctors and are able to afford because of Obamacare -- unless we have the great misfortune of working for some fuckwad corporation like Hobby Lobby , which "sincerely" believes that contraception is actually baby murder, so tough titty-twisters, girls, no birth control coverage for you.

Cruz left those details out of his knee-slapper speech. Which means that either Cruz really does use condoms every time he bones his wife, or he leaves the birth control up to her and has no idea how she makes the no baby-making magic happen. Or, another option, Ted Cruz is well aware that "rubbers" are not the only type of contraception in America, and he's spearing that red herring with a false flag pole to pretend like he's not part of the radical religious extremists who really do want to take away women's birth control.

Yeah, we think that's the one. So, how is all of this Hillary Clinton's fault?

You're Hillary Clinton. And you're trying to think, how do I run? Well, you can't run on the economy, cuz we have the lowest percentage of Americans working than any year since 1977. You can't run on Obamacare because millions of people have lost their jobs, lost their healthcare, seen their premiums skyrocket. You certainly can't run on foreign policy. Cuz every country you touched as secretary of state is a disaster. So what do you do? You go “Ah ha! The condom police. I'm going to make up a completely made up threat and try to scare a bunch of folks that are not paying a lot of attention into thinking someone's going to steal their birth control.” What nonsense.

Cruz is right. That is a bunch of what nonsense! Just not the way he means. As a senator who has voted repeatedly to repeal Obamacare -- do we really need to drown you in links proving how outright wrong he is on those facts? nah -- including and especially the part that allows women access to contraception they otherwise could not afford, we have a suspicion that Cruz knows he's full of shit. But he also knows the Republicans in that room who are laughing and groaning right on cue are a bunch of idiots who are not paying attention and can be easily tricked into thinking exactly what Cruz wants them to think: made-up nonsense. How very clever of him.

[ NBC News via POLITICO ]