Ted Cruz Just Wants To Help GOP Senate Buddies But They're All Busy Washing Their Hair
Awwww, Ted Cruz! The man who was the most hated, most punchy-faced man in the GOP primary, has gone back to his original role as most hated, most punchy-faced man in the Senate. But maybe he can help out there, yes? Maybe he can call all his Republican colleagues in the Senate and say, "Hey, this is Ted Cruz, and I am your despicable foreign friend and I would like to help you get re-elected! No? Why not? Did you just hang up on me?"
Cruz, who notched nearly 12 percent in [New Hampshire's] primary, could help turn out the GOP base for Sen. Kelly Ayotte, [Cruz associates have] suggested.
But Ayotte isn’t interested.
But maybe Sen. Ayotte might reconsider once she realizes how much Cruz wants ...
"I don’t think I’d ask anyone to come up, generally, other than I had Joni [Ernst] and Shelley [Moore Capito] up. … This is about me campaigning for New Hampshire,” she said, when asked whether she wanted Cruz to campaign for her. “I’m going to be focusing on my campaign for me. It’s not a reflection on him, or anyone else. … He hasn’t contacted me, but I’m sure there’s a lot of different races out there.”
Listen. She brought her hot GOP chicks up to New Hampshire, but that doesn't mean she wants Sen. Poutine Farts up there, creeping out the locals. "I'm sure there's a lot of different races out there" = "NOT MINE, MOTHERFUCKER."
Oh well. Maybe if Ted picks up the phone and talks to his good pal John McCain, maybe that would be ...
McCain, who has tangled with Cruz repeatedly, said he’s had only one interaction with Cruz since he returned to Washington a few weeks ago, on a defense spending bill. McCain supported it and Cruz, as he has in the past, opposed the measure.
“I wonder how the men and women serving in the military in Texas enjoy that,” McCain said. The longtime senator said he rarely asks surrogates to stump for him, “except for people I’m very close to. And I’m not close to Sen. Cruz.”
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/597666/real-american-john-mccain-just-askin-if-foreigner-ted-cruz-is-allowed-to-be-president"></a>[/wonkbar]Yeah, remember when Panamanian-born John McCain was just asking whether Canadian-born Ted Cruz was even eligible to be president? Sounds to us like Teddy is barking up the wrong WALNUTS!!!11!!1! tree.
Also not likely to be interested in listening to Ted Cruz mouth-breathe on the stump?
Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) refused to entertain the possibility of campaigning alongside Cruz, responding that he’s “not going to go into what my campaign is doing.” And Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio), another vulnerable incumbent, said he hadn’t thought about enlisting Cruz.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/594376/ted-cruz-has-no-friends-and-everybody-hates-him-lol"></a>[/wonkbar]Does Ted have NO FRIENDS? Of course not, he has some! First of all, he still has Jesus and his dry-drunk dad. But not in the Senate. Maybe that's what happens when you call all your compatriots RINO assmunchers and you break Senate rules constantly and you call Mitch McConnell a big fucking liar, AND SO ON.
To be fair, there are a couple senators who are like, "Um, I guess if it's literally the only thing left, I could let him try to help, not that I actually want to." Sen. Roy Blunt of Missouri, according to Politico, had to pause FOR A LONG TIME before acknowledging that Cruz "had a lot of Missouri supporters." And apparently Sen. Johnny Isakson of Georgia and Sen. John Boozman of Arkansas would be OK with Ted coming to visit, probably under the condition that he doesn't leak any of his Cruz-ness on the upholstery.
But that's it. Everybody else, as always, would prefer Ted Cruz go fuck himself in the eyehole. See? Wonkette agrees with Republicans sometimes.