All the Texas dildos are in his butt in this picture, ALLEGEDLY.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Tuesday, we told you about a disturbing trend Astrogliding its way across America, wherein otherwise pure Christian lady humans are losing their Christian salvation by playing with dildos all the time. If only somebody was willing to ride to their rescue, yank 'em out (and take the batt'ries out of their Rabbits too), so they could go to heaven and play Scattergories with Jesus for all eternity.

Mother Jones reports that Ted Cruz tried to be that dildo-yanker. When he was solicitor general in Texas, his team defended a Texas ban on the sale of dildos, how fucked up is that? And worse, they didn't care whether you got them from one of those Amway-style dildo parties or from the dildo counter at Cracker Barrel, ALL DILDOS ARE BAD:

The filing noted, "The Texas Penal Code prohibits the advertisement and sale of dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices" but does not "forbid the private use of such devices." The plaintiffs had argued that this case was similar to Lawrence v. Texas, the landmark 2003 Supreme Court decision that struck down Texas' law against sodomy. But Cruz's office countered that Lawrence "focused on interpersonal relationships and the privacy of the home" and that the law being challenged did not block the "private use of obscene devices." Cruz's legal team asserted that "obscene devices do not implicate any liberty interest." And its brief added that "any alleged right associated with obscene devices" is not "deeply rooted in the Nation's history and traditions." In other words, Texans were free to use sex toys at home, but they did not have the right to buy them.

Ted Cruz: totally OK with you fiddle-faddling your shame button with dildos, as long as they were transported across state lines. Maybe you got it from your Aunt Marge who lives in Virginia, as a Christmas present. But don't think you can just run down to your corner Texas Dildo Emporium to buy your own, because THAT'S A SIN.

It gets more fucked up:

The brief insisted that Texas in order to protect "public morals" had "police-power interests" in "discouraging prurient interests in sexual gratification, combating the commercial sale of sex, and protecting minors." There was a "government" interest, it maintained, in "discouraging ... autonomous sex." [...] In perhaps the most noticeable line of the brief, Cruz's office declared, "There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship."

Your G-spot is NOT in the Constitution, lady! Surrender your love-stick to the Texas Rangers, unless you want to meet their night sticks!

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]SIDEBAR QUESTION: Was Ted Cruz on his dildo-shaming campaign at the same time he was ALLEGEDLY LOL banging ladies what were not his wife? Did Ted Cruz do this because he was worried Texas ladies might not need his Canadian penis next time he sprang maple syrup-scented wood in his pants? Worse, would they prefer their detached, soulless penis substitutes over the talents of Ted Cruz, Orgasm Provider?

Unfortunately, the appeals court in that case told Ted Cruz to stuff a vibrator in his man cavern, ruling against him 2-1. But, as MoJo reports, his team was not done, because there were still loose dildos tumbleweed-ing their way across the Texas desert! So he asked the full appeals court to hear the case, with this argument:

This brief suggested that if the decision stood, some people would argue that "engaging in consensual adult incest or bigamy" ought to be legal because it could "enhance their sexual experiences."

Whoa fuck wow holy shit oh my god what is he even??? Ted Cruz is actually saying that if you pick up a Mesquite BBQ-flavored Texas Ass Jammer at your local hootenanny/orgy, that is a slippery slope directly to fucking your sister?

Anyway they lost again. They thought about going to the Supreme Court, but that didn't happen. So at the end of the day, all the dildos were once again free to roam the hills of Texas, in search of the perfect Lonestar Lady Hole to jump inside.

Oh, and Cruz's hilarious loss ended up killing anti-dildo laws in Mississippi and Louisiana too, hooray! So if you're a lady or gentleman from any of those parts, and you're currently boning your danger zone with a legally procured sex weapon, you, in a roundabout way, can thank Ted Cruz for trying to be such a gross dildo-pilfering fuckweasel.

[Mother Jones]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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