Ted Cruz To Invade Dearborn, Build Donald Trump's Wall, Hopefully STFU At Some Point

scum-sucking fuckface dilletante shitass foreign-born dildosmack twat goblin

[contextly_sidebar id="l4v3PtU8u3x4i7cdFkqs2vLBbDNheyz2"]Ted Cruz's putrid mouth slit sure does talk a lot, especially for somebody who's never going to be president of any of his native North American homelands. When news of the Brussels attacks broke Tuesday morning, Cruz closed the internet tab where he was sex Skyping with Jesus and rushed to Facebook to issue a short, stupid two-paragraph statement that said "Radical Islamic Radical Terror Terror Islamic," or something along those lines.

[contextly_sidebar id="BVSCXbbZM3H3MzWHxCkmBGPk7hzvsKzn"]THEN he held a presser where he used the Brussels attacks to just subtly insinuate that maybe we should let a bunch more Syrian refugee toddlers and their widowed moms die, because obviously that's why Brussels and Paris and San Bernardino happened. Yep, those little innocent babies did it, with their homemade bombs constructed out of empty juice boxes and innocent childlike wonder, probably.

Well now, as if we didn't want to punch him in his fucking face enough already, it is time for us to examine Cruz's official statement on the attacks. No, this is different from his Facebook post. He was just spitballing on that, this is his THIRD SHOT at relevance today:

Wait WHAT? OK, so Cruz rehashes his thing on banning all Syrian "Sesame Street" fans from the Spacious Skies and Amber Waves Of Grain of his adopted country of 'Murica.

But look at that third graf!

We need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized.

Is he saying ... WHAT? The cops need to "patrol and secure" Dearborn, Michigan, and other neighborhoods with lots of Muslims? How will they be "secured," please? Will there be a gate the Muslims have to pass through each and every day? And this is supposed to somehow decrease the chances of them becoming radicalized? Muslims just loooooove being patrolled constantly while they live in cages, ayup, that's the ticket.

And oh goody, Cruz has issued ANOTHER statement (FOUR! FOUR STATEMENTS!) clarifying that when he said he was going to "patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods" in America, he definitely meant exactly what he said. You are more than free to go read that statement if you goddamned fucking hate yourself and have nothing better to do.

[contextly_sidebar id="FrtfeF2UZyc50TMtMDiGOsCUpqlbU3WZ"]Before we go, let's note the last graf of Statement #3 posted above. Because we think he's saying he's going to "secure the southern border," so he can keep ISIS from doing that thing it always does so many times a day, where it sails in a boat around the horn of Africa; crosses the Atlantic; lands in Cancun; films a Terrorists Gone Wild sexxx video for spring break; hitchhikes its way through Mexican cartel territory; then finally puts on a sombrero and hops, skips, and Allahu akbar's its way across the Rio Grande to do terror to America. But that won't happen under President Ted Cruz, because we guess he's saying he's going to build Donald Trump's yooge gold-plated Mexican wall for him, hooray, way to Make America Great Again, Señor Poutine Farts!

But maybe we misunderstood that part and he will have to issue a fifth statement today, just to re-clarify that he meant what he said the first time, because he's a fucking dick.

Anyhoo, we are just being silly about all this probably, and we're dealing with quite a hypothetical, since at this point the chances of Ted Cruz getting elected president are somewhere between "Up Yours" and "Stank Fuck" percent.

The point is that Ted Cruz has spoken FOUR TIMES! today about the Brussels attacks, and each throat turd he's expelled has been equally as shitty as the last. So, Wonkette officially calls upon Cruz to STFU, delete his baby-scaring face, and go suck a porcupine's cock in hell.

[h/t @nycsouthpaw]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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