Donate

Canadian Ted Cruz declared his candidacy for emperor of the US Americas today, having decided that the best way to run a presidential campaign is to blow your load really early, like a teenage girl trying to be the first say "FIRST!!!" in a Perez Hilton comment thread. He, of course, did his premature ejaculation announcement speech at Dead Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, the only known educational institution to have the distinction of being the safety school you go to if you can't get into University of Phoenix. Speechifying at Liberty is a surefire dogwhistle, when you want to reassure hateful, stupid idiots that you are just as hateful and stupid as they are. Falwell, after all, famously blamed the gays, the abortionists and the ACLU for 9/11.


[contextly_sidebar id="Pygt99dkT6WHQ73JT8d1CE4DWK6I2cBL"]

The human boll weevils Ted Cruz counts as fans hate The Gays, that is one of their Pet Rocks, so let's look at what Cruz thinks about the LGBTs. You will be surprised to learn that President Cruz, who won Wonkette's 2014 Legislative Shitmuffin award, would be Not Good for the gays! Let's look at his record, such as it is:

[contextly_sidebar id="PRZAYUwVdk3wMwOse2MMe5QAK5Zw7Vuy"]

  • Ted Cruz would like to fix the Constitution so that federal judges are no longer allowed to gay America up. He erroneously believes that he can just make an amendment happen that says that the Supreme Court and their libtard judiciary minions simply are not allowed to rule on the gay issue. Hey, it will not ever happen, but the dumbasses donating to his unsecure website don't know that.
  • Along those same lines, Cruz would like to make sure that the good states -- the Jesus ones that take so much more federal money than they give, which would have already fallen into the Gulf of Mexico if liberal states like New York and California didn't subsidize their very existence -- don't gotta recognize no dirty gross gay marriages from other states.
  • He says that Barack Obama is the very first president in history who has "declared himself an enemy" of traditional marriage. Silly, that was Bill Clinton. But in a similar vein, he says that people need to be on their knees (for prayer, not sex stuff you perverts!) to stop the gays' all-out assault on marriage. It is THAT serious.
  • What if you are gay and live in a state without marriage equality? Ted Cruz says you can just "vote with your feet" and move away to one of those yuck liberal states. Of course, there are 39 of those yuck gay states now, and by the time Cruz is Not President, there will be 50, or maybe even 57.

Most of his proclamations fall along those lines, but if you want to really dig deep into how many different ways he has said he's going to amend the Constitution to ban the gayness, or how many times he's said gays are assaulting the traditionals, the Human Rights Campaign has an exhaustive play-by-play of Cruz's record.

So Ted Cruz is a wingnut's wingnut. None of this will play well anywhere, except for in the leaking cyst celebration known as the Republican primaries. And even there, he will have so much competition in the anti-gay department, he might still lose due to the fact that he's creepy and gross-looking.

Also, Ted Cruz's dad, Rafael Cruz, says that homosexual marriage is a socialist plot to destroy God, and also the traditional family structure, so that all the good Christians will have to go to church on Sundays to worship the government instead. Or something along those lines. Daddy Cruz also says that Barack Obama "should be sent 'back to Kenya,'" and that "the Bible 'tells you exactly who to vote for.'" It's right there in the Gospels, just after Jesus organized the first Westboro Baptist protest. We wouldn't bring up family members, usually, but we're pretty sure that a President Ted Cruz would make a whole gay-hating cabinet position for the senile motherfucker, so he's Relevant.

So that's what you need to know about how bad things are going to be for the gays when Ted Cruz is "elected President," which will only happen in Teabaggers' dumbest wet dreams.

[contextly_sidebar id="ThBQCiY3uuY7pRvldikpmqvCBYQbi0pc"]

[Human Rights Campaign]

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc