Ted Nugent Poops Pants Again

Walking Teabagger Id Ted Nugent is a man who knows what's going on in the world. He is a fellow with what the French call thesavoir faire, or "Savory Fairies" as we would say. And sure, maybe some of his prognostications haven't quite come to pass just yet, such as the Absolute Tyrannical Monarchy of Barack Obama, or that disappointingly inaccurate prediction that he'd be dead or in jail by April 2013. But you can't be as hell-raising a wango ze tango full-auto full-metal jacketed Patriot sonofagun as Ted Nugent without the occasional off day, or decade. What we're getting at is that Ted knows stuff, man. And what Ted knows this week is that 1) Thursday is the anniversary of 9/11; 2) ISIS is one scary bunch of maniacs and they are very definitely coming across our completely unprotected borders right now; 3) Barack Obama is still a big pussy weakling subhuman mongrel sumbitch, not that Ted means that in a racist way; and 4) Guns solve everything.

With all that in mind, Ted has issued a warning to help us all be ready for the biggest scariest 9/11 ever, like even worse than being stuck in traffic in Fort Lee last year. So he's urging Americans to prepare for 9/11/14 by stocking up on guns and ammo. Then again, he also urges people to prepare for Arbor Day by stocking up on guns and ammo.

Now, let's just pretend that the phrase we're about to type isn't an oxymoron, and consider Ted Nugent's Intelligence Report, as posted to his Fecesbook page (sweet baby Azathoth on an eldritch pogo stick, DO NOT read the comments) last week:

9-11-14 is the day of infamy again. Unarmed & helpless Americans and Europeans will be viciously ambushed when they least expect it, and the death toll will be more brutal and widespread than all the peace & love dreamers could ever imagine. Those who carry guns had better gun & ammo up no matter where you go, carrying at least 10 spare mags or 10 spare speedloaders because the allahpukes are confident they will once again methodically slaughter walking cowering whining cryin helpless sitting ducks capable of zero resistance.

Because if there's anything we learned from the first 9/11, it's that only a well-armed citizenry can hope to stop terrorism. If everybody in the World Trade Center had been packing that morning, they could have brought down both those hijacked jets before the allapukes could allahcrash them into the godtowers. Or maybe the lesson is that all airline passengers should be allowed to carry, which would certainly stop both box-cutter-wielding allahpukes and those unpleasant "knee defender" fights. Thanks to this lesson we learned on 9/11, armed private citizens have prevented at least 30 major terrorist attacks, as documented in this one really vivid dream Ted had a while back.

But there's more. Ted generously offers advice to wimps who are not yet armed, not that the un-American pussies even deserve it, but he's just that nice a guy. Really, it's quite easy!

To gullible naive embarrassing ill prepared targets, there is still time to firepower up ASAP. Head for cover but retain an attentiveness in order to identify the evildoers and dbl tap center mass, then two to the head.

Remember, citizens, when you see a scary Muslim on 9/11, you have to be ready with a quick "Mozambique drill," a shooting technique that you can quickly and easily master by reading about in a Facebook post. It's two shots to the center of body mass, then a third to the head, ideally destroying the brain stem and bringing down your foe, because you are just that awesome a killing machine. Now, Uncle Ted knows you may be a newbie at this, so he calls for two headshots, because it never hurts to be sure, and also it's funner that way. But you're not done yet!

Then take cover and prepare your next evasive escape, taking dwn known jihadists to the best of your ability, Aim small miss small center mass & headshots, This is going to be the real deal & absolutely survivable against these 4th world allahpuke zombies. STAND! Go heavy, Only assholes are outgunned, Dont be outgunned or out ammo'd. Goodluck. Be safe, Shoot straight & OFTEN, Godspeed, killemall

Mind you, Ted is not REALLY saying to just go out on 9/11 and kill all the allahpukes, especially if anyone actually does walk into a mosque and start shooting. He is just urging vigilance, just in case, and he cannot be held liable for anyone misunderstanding his explicit killing instructions or the phrase "killemall" to mean that he actually wants you to kill 'em all. Just be ready to.

Also, just to be on the safe side, you might want to yell, "I am in fear for my life!" while you treat Mr. And Mrs. El-Sayed and their kids to two shots to their center of mass and then two headshots each, over at the grocery store. In Florida or Texas, that should give you even odds in any courtroom, and you can probably bet on substantial donations to your defense fund. Maybe Ted will even write you the first check!

[Facebook via Western Journalism]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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