On Monday, Tennessee's state House passed a bill toban local laws that protect gay citizens from discrimination after the cesspool that is Nashville decided it would start considering gay people human beings of all things. (GAYS ARE A TYPE OF PLANT LIFE, NASHVILLE.) This is a fairly proactive approach to quelling equality before it becomes an epidemic in the South, but the Tennessee state Senate may have done one better: It passed a law that would make it illegal for teachers below the high school level to acknowledge that anybody in the world is anything but 100% hetero. Did you hear that, gay Tennessee children? The government of your state says you don't exist and wants to make sure that if you think you are gay, you also think you are the only gay person in the world! That should be good for your emotional health.

The bill supporters, including sponsor Sen. Stacey Campfield, a Republican from Knoxville who unsuccessfully pushed the same bill in the House for six years before being elected to the Senate, say the bill is "neutral" and simply leaves it up to families to decide when it is an appropriate time to talk to their kids about sexuality.

It's very neutral! Schoolteachers will teach children that every adult in the world has a spouse of the opposite sex or will eventually get one, imply that every important dude in history and culture loved sticking their dicks into ladies, and then if children just happen to start to think what is being presented to them by their teacher isn't entirely factual, they can ask their parents and hope they know/will tell them the truth.

And then nobody will ever be gay in Tennessee again, the end.

Our schools already lie to children about Santa Claus and other things, so why let in the Enlightenment and start trying to build trust with students now? As they always taught us in school, "Lying is the best policy."

We think those dogs would do a better job running this state. VIVA LA REVOLUCION DE PERRO! [Memphis Flyer/TIME]