Tennessee Makes Jesus Your Savior for You, How Nice
Tennessee’s legislative filing date is this Thursday, and the representatives of the Volunteer State have come out in full force to give us all a laugh, which really is their only job when you think about it.
In the great big state yearbook, Florida is the bat-fucking insane kid who crushes bugs into their pixie stix sandwich, California is the (formerly) rich kid who doesn't eat anything that casts a shadow, and Arizona is the adult who is way too old to be in school and is probably only there to write an article for a newspaper. Tennessee is more subdued in its crazy. We're the kid whose father owns half the factories along the Georgia border but who still drenches ourselves in deer piss after church because we got some hunting to do. Think Duck Dynasty without the charm or progressive beliefs. That's why it surprised exactly no one last week when a Tennessee Representative pushed to make the Bible the official state book, probably because it's the only book he's ever read.
Well if you guessed that other crazy nonsense was going on in the great state legislature, you’d have been paying attention:
- Piggy-backing off Congressman Biblethump up there (R-No duh), Rep. James VanHuss has introduced a bill to officially amend the state constitution to add the phrase "We recognize that our liberties do not come from governments, but from Almighty God, our Creator and Savior." Isn't that nice of them? Converting you to Christianity, and you didn't even need to ask. That should put a stop to all the Satanic Panic and Creeping Sharia from taking over, though it won’t stop them from appearing at the Grand Ole Opry live in concert.
- Speaking of official shit, can you believe Tennessee does not have an official state gun? What kind of gluten-free communist ignored that glaring oversight? Fortunately state Rep. VanHuss pulled through by partnering with Sen. Mae Beavers (stop giggling; it’s silly) to enshrine in state law the official gun as the Barrett Model 82A1 rifle, a .50 caliber semi-automatic rifle. You can take a look at the gun here, and let your Wonkette take the mature editorial stance that it looks just like a giant gunmetal penis. We’re kind of amazed it isn’t sporting a foreskin cover, but it must keep the Covenant.
- Piggy-backing off the above bill, Rep. Judd Matheny and Sen. Frank Niceley introduced a bill to legalize exploding targets in practice shooting. When you’re shooting with a big metal wiener, an exploding target makes for a great moneyshot.
- Apparently it is not currently illegal to take a minor to a cock fight in this great state, which seems like a serious oversight on the part of the state’s cock defenders. Not anymore! Thanks to quick thinking from Jon Lundberg (R-Even we’re surprised), taking a child to see animals maim each other for your amusement is now a misdemeanor. We would question why it’s not a felony but baby steps. We would also question why the Tennessean refers to the bill as “quirky,” but we don’t have the patience.
- Tennessee’s current anti-drunk driving campaign goes by the name Booze It & Lose It, and apparently that will soon be quite literal. Sen. Niceley – of the exploding-gun-target Niceleys – has proposed a bill that would ban anyone with three or more DUIs from purchasing alcohol, and would add the phrase NO ALCOHOL SALES to their driver's license, which we’re pretty sure is exactly how the Mark of the Beast starts (we know because we read our official state book). How dare the senator try to stifle the free market’s right to sell alcohol to convicted alcohol abusers! We would remind the Sen. Niceley that when we outlaw booze, only outlaws will have booze, but we’re secretly hoping the bill will lead to a resurgence of the bathtub gin and moonshine industries. So vintage!
- A bill introduced by Sen. Harris and Rep. Mike Sparks would make it so that if a clerk forgets to remove a security tag from a piece of clothing, the store will cover the shipping cost of the item if the customer lives more than 30 minutes away (which is actually a rollback of previous law that set the distance at more than 15 minutes away). Just the same, this is great news for our nation’s long distance shoplifters!
- Lastly, two Democrats tried to legalize the wacky tobacky, which is just precious. We wish them luck, though we’re holding our breath until we get enough of a hit.
That, dear Wonkers, is the smell of Democracy in action, and it's exactly what we expected from the state where it's illegal to share your Netflix password. We are all doomed.