Tennessee Pastor Knows You'd Be Real Sad Right Now If You Were An Abortion

Pastor Ben Bailey of Tennessee's Gospel Of Christ Ministries is glad to be with us today, and glad not to be an abortion, so he can Jesus-splain how sad we'd be if we were an abortion. This is like one of those chicken-egg questions, but for fundamentalist Christian idiots. If you were 'borted, would u be mad, bro?

Think about this. Put yourself in this situation.

OK, we're thinking about it and putting ourselves in the situation.

What if your parents had decided to have an abortion? How would that make you feel? You wouldn’t have experienced life, the joy of life, the sadness, you wouldn’t have experienced that. You wouldn’t be here today, I wouldn’t be here today.

We would feel ... nothing? We wouldn't exist? Maybe we're not imagining hard enough.

Just kidding, the good pastor is right, we'd be like "Gah, why you gotta be so lame, Mom and Dad, you're embarrassing me again, by making me an abortion!" And then we'd flip them off and go hang out with our other aborted friends.

Pastor Dorkfarts also has thoughts on what abortion does to silly ladybrains:

How does abortion affect women? You know, it's put off as though it's a woman's choice, it's woman's right, it's something you can slip in and out and be done with, and there'll be no consequences. Friend, I assure you from talking to people who have been in those situations, that's just not the case. The trauma, the heartache, the guilt, the sin that one feels -- it's not a easy, in and out, take care of the situation and be done with it at all idea. The consequences of that, the guilt of it, stay with one for a very long time.

The pastor has met a woman, therefore he knows these things. Of course, are those things true? No, they are not. Now, to be fair, this is a link to a SCIENCE STUDY, and science is obviously of the Devil, so it's probably fake and evil, but it turns out that 95 PERCENT OF WOMEN are pretty darn glad they had an abortion. They're probably all lying, because the shame they feel is just so great, and they will all confess their sins and sadness to Pastor Bailey now, as soon as they stop crying.

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Anyway, he just wants us to know all these things because, unlike the homosexuals and the baby killers, wingnut Christians have been too shy and sweet about expressing their political beliefs, and if only they'd stop being such fading flowers and speak up once in a while, maybe then all the gays wouldn't constantly be parading down the street doing Benghazi to baby fetuses, which makes God sad. Strangely, we feel like these assholes are PLENTY loud, but that's probably just because we are a liberal who refuses to Make America Great Again or whatever.




Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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