Terrible Columnist Richard Cohen Shocked To Learn That Slavery Was Really, Really Bad

Terrible Columnist Richard Cohen Shocked To Learn That Slavery Was Really, Really Bad

With all of theterrible,sludge-brained,doped-out political hacks whose columns we read over and over until every atom of our being must fight the urge to swan-dive off a twenty-story building onto a fence topped with rusty spikes coated with rattlesnake venom, we often forget about the execrable Richard Cohen at The Washington Post. Perhaps this is an act of self-preservation. Then the Bearded Dipwad writes something so perverse we are compelled to stare at it like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, until our faces melt and our souls get sucked from our bodies by razor-toothed demons. Hyperbole, you say? That is only because you haven’t read Cohen’s latest yet.

I sometimes think I have spent years unlearning what I learned earlier in my life. For instance…slavery was not a benign institution in which mostly benevolent whites owned innocent and grateful blacks. Slavery was a lifetime’s condemnation to an often violent hell in which people were deprived of life, liberty and, too often, their own children.

Dear. God. Must we go on? Sure, why not. It seems Richard Cohen saw a movie called 12 Years a Slave, and boy is he shocked! Would you believe that American slavery was not a harmonious lovefest where the darkies happily labored in the fields picking cotton by hand and singing happy Negro spirituals while their benevolent white masters stood by beaming with pride? That slave families were ripped apart forever when one or more members was sold to another owner? That wives were sold away from husbands, children away from their parents? That there were brutal beatings and rapes and daily if not hourly humiliations, all in the name of dehumanizing an entire race of humans? That the reality of slavery was nothing like the way it was portrayed in Gone With the Wind? Richard Cohen is very upset with Gone With the Wind, which for him has now been rendered “irrevocably silly and utterly tasteless” about sixty years after it was rendered so for anyone not afflicted with brain parasites.

Richard Cohen cannot believe he did not learn any of this in school. What Confederate redoubt in the ass end of Georgia or Alabama did he grow up in? Oh, nice job, Far Rockaway H.S.

The Bearded Dipwad is most upset with his country for never fully accounting for the horrors it perpetrated while enslaving blacks for centuries. “We obscured, we covered up…  As a nation, we like to look pretty, but sometimes we weren’t,” he admits. Well, better late than never, we guess?

We can’t wait to hear Richard Cohen’s reaction when he watches this DVD of Roots we’re sending him for Hanukkah.



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