Texas Couple Fights To Keep Kids Good And Stupid, The Way Jesus Likes 'Em

See? Grammar not a problem.

There are no times tables at the Second Coming, that's what yr Wonkette always says. And apparently Michael and Laura McIntyre of El Paso agree with us, as they are suing the state of Texas for their God-given right to make sure all their little snowflake fundamentalist kiddies are homeschooled in the way Jesus prefers, by which we mean not at all:

The McIntyres are accused of failing to teach their children educational basics because they were waiting to be transported to heaven with the second coming of Jesus Christ.

At issue: Where do religious liberty and parental rights to educate one's own children stop and obligations to ensure home-schooled students ever actually learn something begin?

"Parents should be allowed to decide how to educate their children, not whether to educate their children," said Rachel Coleman, executive director of the Massachusetts-based Coalition for Responsible Home Education.

Sounds like a liberal to us. As America's greatest president taught us, "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" And the McIntyres would like to KEEP IT THAT WAY.

Because for real, do you really think our lord and savior is going to be in the mood to deal with smarty pants children asking all kinds of physics questions about velocity and displacement while He's trying to do the Rapture? We think not.

Apparently, the family was allowed to go on its merry idiot way for quite a while, until Michael McIntyre's brother noticed the kids were dumbasses:

Michael's twin brother, Tracy, reported never seeing the children reading, working on math, using computers or doing much of anything educational except singing and playing instruments. He said he heard one of them say learning was unnecessary since "they were going to be raptured."


It's actually sad what these people have done to their nine kids, most of whom are grown at this point, though one is still at home being "educated." Local station KRGV reports that their oldest, Tori, ran away from home because she wanted to go to real school (what a rebel!), but that at age 17, officials only felt comfortable putting her in ninth grade, and even then were worried as to whether she could keep up.

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As to the couple, you will be shocked as fuck to learn they're pretty sure the mean Texas courts hate Jesus. They got smacked down by the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals last year, and now they're being persecuted by the godless heathens of the 100 percent Republican Texas Supreme Court. This is part of the War on Christians we're always hearing about.

And while it's true that learning things is an obvious gateway drug to knowing things (and thus abandoning dumbass religious beliefs like those held by the McIntyres), one of the biggest issues is that Texas isn't very good at figgerin' which homeschooled kids get an education, and which are just hanging around being stupid while they wait for Space Jesus to zap them to Heaven with all the other Good Stupid Christians:

The Texas Home School Coalition estimates 300,000 students are home schooled in the state - more than one-sixth of the national total.

No one knows for sure since Texas is one of 11 states that don't require home-school families to register. And 14 states have no subject requirements for what's taught, according to Coleman's Coalition for Responsible Home Education, which advocates for greater home-schooling accountability.

Texas mandates a written curriculum providing a bona fide education "designed to meet basic educational goals" in reading, spelling, grammar, mathematics and citizenship. But it doesn't require home-school students to take standardized tests or otherwise show progress, making the standard unenforceable.

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Maybe this case will change all that! Maybe, just maybe, an all-Republican state supreme court can look at the case and say, "Whoa hey, we are all about freedom, but these people are D-U-M! And fuck these parents for abusing their kids like that."

Because if you want to homeschool, you actually have to SCHOOL the children, even if you're like that ignorant twit lady who runs around the country going to "liberal" science museums and "debunking" them by scoffing at exhibits and saying, "Like, that's not what the Bible says?" At least she, presumably, teaches her kids how to do math by counting all the dinosaurs in Noah's Ark or whatever.

Or maybe yr Wonkette is just on the side of the Jesus-haters and the persecutors, you never can tell.

[KRGV viaAddicting Info]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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