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Now He has to go back to counting up which sports teams are praying the hardest this week


So, Christmas tornadoes were a thing this year, because global warming is fake and all those violent storms were just Jesus opening up His birthday presents. But one lady said, "Hey God, would you let me command the wind?" And He said, "Sure, everybody gets a turn commanding the wind, it's in the Bible!"

So Sabrina Lowe of Rowlett, Texas, used her magic Jesus powers to tell a tornado to BUZZ OFF, BRO, and go fuck up another neighborhood. NPR has the story:

We actually went outside and started commanding the winds because God had given us authority over the winds -

the airways. And we just began to command this storm not to hit our area. We - we spoke to the storm and said, go to unpopulated places. It did exactly what we said to do because God gave us the authority to do that.

[contextly_sidebar id="dx81aTCJZF05aRyPc9h1ZKCYrxNH1Zkn"]How very Ben Carson of her! We all remember that time the vegetarian brain surgeon Dr. Carson was eating chicken at the Popeyes Organization, and he stopped an armed robber in his tracks by saying, "Hey, don't shoot me, shoot that guy over there!" We can only guess Sabrina The Wind Slayer probably had some other magic powers in her fanny pack, if God had decided to be selfish about letting her control the tornadoes. Like maybe, the next thing you try is to shoot guns at them! Or maybe you're supposed to bumrush active tornadoes, just like Fox News told the little children to do with active shooters. So many possibilities!

So how did Sabrina's wind prayers work out for her? Well, her house is standing tall and pretty! But did she send the wind where it was supposed to go, like to "unpopulated areas," or maybe to gay disco-bortion clubs, to punish the gay-bortionistas?

Judge for yourself. Here are Sabrina's tornader accomplishments:

In Rowlett, 446 homes were damaged — 101 were total losses and 83 sustained major damage from a storm that generated winds of more than 135 mph in the city. Although 23 people were injured there, no fatalities were reported along the four-mile gash the tornado tore through the southeast portion of the city.

And here, via the Dallas Morning News on Twitter, is a picture of what Sabrina did, with her brain prayers:

Sabrina, YOU DID A BAD JOB BEING THE GODDESS OF WIND, please gather your things and leave the premises. But hey, at least nobody died, we guess? Long live Sabrina The Wind Goddess!

[NPR / Dallas Morning News]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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