There are, like, 5,000 black rhinos left in the wild, tops. And now there's one fewer, thanks to Texas oil heir Corey Knowlton, who legally shot an endangered black rhino and then legally brought it back to the United States, because that made Corey Knowlton feel like a big strong hunting man. What, how even, please explain to us NPR.

Corey Knowlton won an auction last January for a hunting permit that would allow him to kill a black rhino weighing around 3,000 pounds. [...]

The permit came from Namibia's Ministry of Environment and Tourism. Each year it targets several older rhinos that are no longer able to breed but still pose a deadly threat to younger males. The proceeds are meant to go toward anti-poaching and conservation efforts.

Oh! That is almost Nice Time, if you can put aside the sad, post-colonial reality of a sovereign state so desperate for cash that it auctions off part of its wildlife conservation efforts to the highest bidder. We will focus now on the Nice Time aspects of the story, for science:

  • Old male rhinos are apparently jerks, we guess. Boo jerk rhinos, down with jerk rhinos!
  • Knowlton paid $350,000 for one of the five permits, and the proceeds will support conservation programs.
  • The Namibian Ministry of Environment and Tourism identified 18 potential targets across the country, and the permits were only valid for these rhinos. Shooting any other rhino would be straight-ahead poaching.

Not a bad toll, karmically speaking. Maybe this guy paying to get his Great White Hunter jollies will actually help save the endangered black rhino, who knows! So what can we get mad about here?

  • The permit was originally issued not to Knowlton but to the Dallas Safari Club, which told NPR that it hoped to raise between $225,000 and $1 million for conservation efforts. Who says you can't be a bargain shopper at a charity auction?
  • Knowlton knows that the haters are gonna hate, telling CNN: "I think people have a problem just with the fact that I like to hunt." Everyone feel bad for oppressed Corey Knowlton!
  • Corey Knowlton's daddy is a member of the exclusive Dallas Petroleum Club — where some of the plutocrats bankrolling Karl Rove occasionally like to meet — which helps explain how Knowlton fils was able to afford the permit, a flight to Namibia, a super-expensive rifle, an experienced hunting party, and transoceanic shipment of a dead rhinoceros back to the terrifying animal graveyard Corey Knowlton keeps in his house.

Corey Knowlton's trophy room, where the relentless pace of the slaughter now precludes the playing of billiards. Image via Facebook.

Did that last point hit you right in your class grievances, Wonketeers? Yeah, we know, us too. But it gets smarmier! Take us home, CNN:

I ask Knowlton if he still feels that killing this black rhino was the right thing to do and that it will benefit the future of this endangered species.

"I felt like from day one it was something benefiting the black rhino," Knowlton reflected just moments after the hunt ended. "Being on this hunt, with the amount of criticism it brought and the amount of praise it brought from both sides, I don't think it could have brought more awareness to the black rhino."

Maybe not more awareness, but probably more money if we're being honest with ourselves, right?


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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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