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There ARE a lot of circuit parties in Florida.


Hey, Florida, how are you doing? We hope you are staying safe, because Hurricane Matthew continues to be nasty and powerful and it's still working its way up the coast. Times like these, a lot of people want to know why the natural disaster is happening, and usually "weather patterns" is a good enough explanation, but actually, as a far right wingnut website called Shoebat tells us, the gays brought the hurricane, by doing butt stuff and dancing better than straight people. In other words, the gays are gaying, and God is TICKED OFF.

Our new wingnut BFF, Andrew Bieszad, explains how he figured out the real culprit in all this:

Florida is a nice place, but it unfortunately has become a lot like California, representing both the best and the worst that America has to offer. This is especially true in the area of homosexuality.

Florida has the best gays America has to offer. Florida also has the worst gays America has to offer. Wait, that's not what he's saying.

While there are many conservative and religious Floridians, there are a tremendous amount of sodomites and immoral activity that takes place there. Given the serious moral decay of America that we see taking place before our eyes and the increasing disrespect for even the most basic of Christian morality, looking at this storm I began to wonder if perhaps, in some way, it was connected to this crisis.

And so he investigated, by using #science.

Bieszad got out his Bible (the ACTUAL "origin of species," suck it Darwin!) and noticed this hurricane was named after a Bible guy, Matthew, who is represented by an angel. Using #logic, Bieszad noted that angels are ALWAYS doing God's dirty work, whether it's telling Mary she's knocked up with the Christ child, working as bouncers at the gates of the Garden Of Eden so those naked fruit-lovers Adam and Eve can't get in, or killing babies, Old Testament-styley. Oh, and sometimes God punishes people for sinning, with natural disasters, and He uses angels to do this, we guess.

But lest you think Bieszad is jumping to conclusions, he's not:

While not all bad weather is necessarily a sign of sin ...

ON THE OTHER HAND:

... [W]e know that Florida is an area that is infected with sin, especially cities such as Miami and Orlando, which are veritable dens of sodomy.

It's not just dens, either. Daytona Beach is the breakfast room of sodomy and Fort Lauderdale is the three-car garage of sodomy.

Bieszad needed to get to the bottom of this, so he searched the internet to see if there were any gays Doing Gay in any sort of official capacity during the month of October in Florida. He also checked Savannah, Georgia, which is in the path of the hurricane, and which is also the well-known outdoor kitchen of sodomy.

Sure enough, I found that both Orlando and Savannah are having massive sodomite pride parades this month, especially in Orlando, which is sponsoring this very weekend as the hurricane is about to hit a massive “coming out” parade sponsored no less than with the major support of the city itself and major corporate backers.

!!!!!

How interesting it is that Matthew is set to smash Orlando and Savannah during their sodomite parades!

How interesting! Orlando's pride celebration has been moved to November, by the way. FOILED YOU AGAIN, GOD!

Bieszad goes off on some tangent about the Ottoman Empire and how Muslims aren't homophobic because they are all gay-banging each other anyway, before realizing he's gone through all the steps of the scientific method and has enough evidence to make a ruling:

A hurricane- the storms from an evil being- named after the New Testament Evangelist whose symbol is an angel- a messenger of God and and executor of His will among and upon men- is about to make landfall on the exact area where two massive sodomite parades are taking place and almost to the day for the largest one, and the exact day the hurricane is scheduled to hit is the Feast Day of the Holiest Prayer in the Catholic Church used to fight the most wicked of sins and heresies given by the Mother of God herself.

Coincidence? You be the judge.

We judge that this guy might be off his meds.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/607281/rush-limbaugh-pretty-sure-liberals-cant-wait-for-hurricane-matthew-to-kill-everybody"></a>[/wonkbar]Anyway, dude has proven once and for all that the gays made the hurricane with their same-sexxxy todger fondling, so we guess we don't need to bother with what known closet case and south Florida resident Matt Drudge is saying about how all the reporting on Hurricane Matthew is part of a liberal conspiracy to cram fake information about "climate change" down everybody's throats.

Besides, Rush Limbaugh said that first, and he said it more funnier.

OH! OH! HYPOTHESIS! Maybe God is personally punishing Matt Drudge, for alleged gayness reasons! Somebody should science investigate that.

[Shoebat]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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