Hey, ladies, how are you celebrating Women's Equality Day? Shopping? Painting your nails with "I've Been Roofied Red"? Wondering what the heck is Women's Equality Day?


Here, let's have President Obama mansplain it for us:

On August 26, 1920, the 19th Amendment was certified, securing for women the fundamental right to vote. The product of decades spent organizing, protesting, and agitating, it was a turning point on the long march toward equality for all, and it inspired generations of courageous women who took up this unfinished struggle in their own time. On the anniversary of this civil rights milestone, we honor the character and perseverance of America's women and all those who work to make the same rights and opportunities possible for our daughters and sons.

Sure, some women want to celebrate women on this, the day we celebrate women and how our bra cups runneth over with ALL THIS EQUALITY, but let's be honest here for a minute. The only reason we have ALL THIS EQUALITY is because of The Men. So really, this day should be about thanking them, The Men who waved their magic wands (yes, that's a subtle euphemism for PENIS) and made us equal, which is why we now live in this egalitarian utopia of misandry, hooray! Here are just a few reasons we ladies should be thanking you, The Men.

Thank you, men, for letting us vote after we begged and pleaded and starved ourselves and got thrown in jail and also tried just asking nicely for, like, decades.

Thank you, men, for passing a law in 19-freakin'-63 that says you have to pay us just like you pay yourselves so we can buy all the SHOOOOOOOZ!, even though to this day we can only buy about 77 percent of them, but we are sure you are going to get around to that eventually.

Thank you, men, for letting us have credit in our own names the same year that The Sting won best picture at the Oscars. This also helps us buy all 77 percent of the SHOOOOOOOZ!

Thank you, men, for always looking out for our best interests and making decisions for us about whether we do in fact want to have babies or not have babies because we are only ladies, after all, and cannot possibly understand the consequences of our actions the way you do, even when you "find no reliable data" to back up your conclusions.

Thank you, men, for asking the important questions our dumb lady brains would not even think to ask, like "Do Hillary's menstrual cankles make her too grandmotherly to be president?"

Thank you, men, for letting us know just how much our equality hurts your feelings and that #NotAllMen are something something blah blah blah derp belch whatever.

And finally, thank you, men, for letting us live in your country after we pop you out of our vaginas and give you life, and telling us that when Jesus wrote the Declaration of Independence and said that All Men Are Created Equal, he meant all men and ladies too, wink wink, even though he did not mean that until 1920, or 1963, or 1974, or whenever it is exactly that we achieved full equality -- it's just so hard to be certain, and you know how we ladies are with math -- and that is why we do not even need the Equal Rights Amendment because we have all the quality already. In fact, it's possible we have too much of it and should really give some of it back.

So thanks for that as well, men, now that we think about it. Thanks for letting us keep our unfair share of ALL THIS EQUALITY what you gave us. We promise we will pay you back one day. Does 77 cents on the dollar sound fair?

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