That Pervert Sumbitch Epstein Will Not Leave!

Jeffrey Epstein may be dead, but that serial child rapist is going to dominate the news for a while longer. Rational people have largely knocked off the conspiracy theories about Trump putting out a hit on his former pal, but the wingers are still going strong. Luckily Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman, the dumbest fraudsters in all the land, are on the case, ready to prove that ninja assassin Hillary Clinton bodycounted Epstein while he was in the custody of Bill Barr's Justice Department. The Daily Beast reports:

"We're hardly alone in the belief, but we strongly feel that this was a murder," Burkman said in a press release.

Burkman and Wohl claim that they have a tip from a "girlfriend of a current prison employee" about the death of "the rich pedophile guy," although they stress that the supposed tip is still being vetted.

Which is hilarious, unless you are an FBI agent trying to investigate this tragic clusterfuck while Donald Trump inflames the conspiracy loons with his demented tweets. One current agent told Business Insider, "The Epstein case was hypercharged from the get-go.The last thing investigators need is the president of the United States fanning the flames with these bullshit theories that have no basis in reality." Lotsa luck!

Luckily Epstein's lawyer Marc Fernich knows who's really to blame here, and it's those BITCHES BE LYIN', always trying to bring down poor Jeffrey Epstein, who "had the misfortune to be a wealthy man in the #metoo era." Okay, to be fair, Fernrich also blamed the prison guards. But still, GFYS buddy!

With Epstein dead, New York Times columnist James B. Stewart has decided their background agreement has been mooted. So he's ready to spill some tea about his August 2018 interview with Epstein at his mansion. After a young woman -- "my guess would be late teens or perhaps 20" -- answered the door, Stewart joined Epstein in a room filled with framed photos of Epstein with celebrities such as Woody Allen, Bill Clinton, and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. Epstein claimed to be advising Tesla's Elon Musk, but insisted it had to be on the DL, since his reputation was "toxic." On the subject of older men having sex with teenage girls, though, he was less reticent.

He said that criminalizing sex with teenage girls was a cultural aberration and that at times in history it was perfectly acceptable. He pointed out that homosexuality had long been considered a crime and was still punishable by death in some parts of the world.

And nothing of value was lost.

In Florida, Epstein's victims are also taking advantage of his sudden departure to argue that the Non-Prosecution Agreement he entered into with Alex Acosta's US Attorney's Office is also null and void now that there's no one left to enforce it. Back in 2008, Acosta's consiglieres promised to immunize "any potential co-conspirators of Epstein, including but not limited to Sarah Kellen, Adriana Ross, Lesley Groff, or Nadia Marcinkova" from prosecution -- a provision which is very abnormal and certainly didn't wind up in that deal by accident.

More recently, the government insisted that it had to enforce the plea agreement to make sure that Epstein wouldn't sue to claw back the payments he made to victims, or sue the government itself to enforce the contract. But with Epstein burning in hell, that argument looks to be moot, since no one alive has standing to enforce it. So his victims, known here as Jane Doe #1 and Jane Doe #2, are asking the court to declare the original agreement a nullity, giving them the hope that someone, possibly Epstein's alleged procurer Ghislaine Maxwell, might actually get prosecuted for the harms they suffered. Vanity Fair describes Maxwell trawling trailer parks and high schools for young girls to bring to Epstein, and saying, "they're nothing, these girls. They are trash." (With votes!)

Moving further south, The Daily Mail reports that the FBI raided Epstein's private island "Little Saint James" in the US Virgin Islands.

Did they turn up more CDs marked "'Young [Name] + [Name],' 'Misc nudes 1,' and 'Girl pics nude'"? Or did he keep his entire stash in New York with his pedo bugout bag of diamonds and fake passport?

Meanwhile, back in New York, members of Epstein's circle are getting as nervous as ... well, as people who have some serious shit to hide. Sunday the New York Times reported that Epstein's former lawyers Darren Indyke and Jeffrey Schantz have hired criminal lawyers of their very own. And CNN says that L Brands CEO Les Wexner, who claims that Epstein stole $100 million from him, recently hired formed Manhattan US Attorney Mary Jo White to defend his interests.

In DC, Epstein has sparked a rare moment of bipartisan unity, with Chairman Jerry Nadler and Ranking Member Doug Collins of the House Judiciary Committee sending the Bureau of Prisons a nastygram demanding to know what the hell happened at the Metropolitan Correctional Center.

This ain't over. Not by a long shot.

[DB / NYT / Doe v. US]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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