Russian officials have started officially blowing love messages up white American conservative asses about how their country is being "canceled," so look for that to start showing up more in wingnut media. (It's already started, of course.)

"Russia is canceled like ehhhhhhhh how you say ... Potato Head genital!" That is probably a quote from some Kremlin asshole, or maybe we made it up just now. Who can possibly say?

And they're not completely wrong! Every decent country in the world is canceling the fucking bejesus out of Russia right now, and it's a consequence of Russia launching a completely unprovoked war on Ukraine based on nothing besides Vladimir Putin's brain-addled hallucinations about relitigating the end of the Cold War and Making Russia Great Again.

The sanctions regime so far has been tremendous, but a lot of the world's best people (ourselves and our extended social circle, for instance) have been saying things like "Hey when are they going to take the fuckin' yachts" and "Oh I know, maybe they should seize some of the fuckin' yachts" and "Nice fuckin' yacht, Vasily, shame if some little kid grabbed it and ran away with it under their armpit." (That's what you say to an oligarch who wishes he had a bigger yacht, you imply it's small enough to fit under a small child's armpit.)

You'll be glad to know at least one yacht has been seized, thankyewverymuch France:

France has seized a yacht owned by Russian oligarch Igor Sechin, the French finance ministry said in a statement on Thursday.

Sechin is the CEO of Russian oil giant Rosneft. The European Union sanctioned Sechin earlier this week, describing him as one of Russian President Vladimir Putin's "most trusted and closest advisors, as well as his personal friend."

That's fucking right. No boats for CEOs of Russian oil giants. CNN notes that BP also said earlier this week that it would be peacing the fuck out of its 19.75 percent stake in Rosneft. Say goodbye, Igor, to BP and boats!

Meanwhile, there's been confusion about a big boat "linked to" a billionaire named Alisher Usmanov, who was also sanctioned by the EU this week. First Forbes reported it had been seized by the Germans in Hamburg, but then authorities in Hamburg said "nein!" they did not do that. Now the reporting says work on the big boat has stopped and, according to Reuters, there are "no plans to deliver it to its owner." So ... sounds like it's somewhere in between "seized" and "not seized"?

This could be part of the problem, says Forbes:

The yacht is registered in the Cayman Islands and owned through a holding company, making it difficult to tie directly to Usmanov for the purpose of sanctions. In its statement, the ministry in Hamburg added that restrictions can be imposed on a yacht owned by a sanctioned Russian individual only “if the ownership situation is clearly clarified and all these possessions are also sanctioned.” The ministry confirmed to Forbes that the yacht is still in the dock at the Hamburg shipyards of Blohm+Voss.

Oh just fucking take it. What's the concern? That it might be owned by a different Alisher Usmanov? Fuck. Shut up.

Anyway, we'll be curious to see how that one shakes out. Usmanov's stupid boat reportedly cost $600 million and is the biggest stupid yacht in the world with the biggest stupid pool. Shame if he never got to take it to floaty places again. In the meantime, Forbes reports that dude owns a literal fuckton full of real estate all over Europe. Authorities could take all that and shithead could worry about his boat while he sleeps in the Motel 6, fuck if we care.

So we just had this idea, see if you like this idea we just had: They should take more fuckin' yachts.

The Washington Post reports that other oligarchs have taken their yachts to Maldives, where there is no extradition treaty with the US. America's enforcement is clearly what they're most scared of.

According to shipping tracking data, two pleasure crafts owned by Oleg Deripaska and Alexander Abramov entered the waters near Malé, the capital of the Maldives, on Wednesday. Three more yachts owned by Russian magnates were also seen sailing in the island nation’s waters, Reuters reported, including one belonging to Vladimir Potanin, a Russian nickel tycoon whose net worth is over $25 billion.

They know. This is not a secret. It's "Fuck Your Boats"-thirty in the afternoon, and a buncha boats haven't made it to Maldives yet. The Post reported this morning that the Biden administration is about to "dramatically expand the number of Russian oligarchs subject to U.S. sanctions," and President Biden sure did say out loud in his State of the Union that they're coming for the yachts.

So let's go get 'em some more yachts!

Want to see Oleg Deripaska saying give peace a chance and sanctions are "cruel"? Hit this link. Be sure to read between the lines where it says "WAAAAAH MY FUCKIN' YACHTS!"

Want to see the Washington Post's huge and growing list of all the sporting events, organizations, corporations, media companies and everybody else currently doing the old cancel culture to Russia? Hit this link.

Want to read a story about how Russia is even being cancel cultured by the International Cat Federation, which is a real thing, and not The Onion, but which says it is the "United Nations of Cat Federations"?

Known as FIFe (for its French name, Fédération Internationale Féline) ...


“Russian athletes are currently banned from virtually every event. Why should cat breeders/exhibitors not be banned as well?” read one tweet.

Fair. Especially considering the outsized role images of Ukrainians and their pets have played in telling the story of Russia's evil war.

Wanna see the stupidest meme we ever made?

This is the content you can't get elsewhere.

[CNN / Forbes / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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