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Forget the brown menace slithering out of Mexico under border fences and over the dead bodies of hardworking American fat people. There's a new Satan in town, and this wolf eschews the clothing of sheep in favor of the sexxxay apparel preferred by 17th-century Swiss Anabaptists. Yes, the descendants of Jakob Ammann are coming to your town, and they WILL churn their butter and practice nonviolence. Land prices and the bad economy have driven these evildoers West, and their particular Manifest Destiny is to quietly and passively destroy the very fabric of Real AmeriKKKan society.


Here's your USA Today with the terrifying report:

The Amish population is growing and embarking on a westward migration that has now reached as far as Colorado, South Dakota and Montana, according to an annual survey by Elizabethtown College in Pennsylvania, which tracks the Amish.

In the past year, the North American Amish population has grown 5%, an increase from 237,500 in 2009 to 249,500 today, the survey found.

These sick bastards, with their horses and buggies and devotion to Christ, technically are conservative Christian fundamentalists. But their behavior reveals a lack of fealty to the cause. According to Professor Donald Kraybill, who tracks these sinister bonnet-goblins, the Amish "generally are not interested in any kind of publicity or public attention and they basically take that from Jesus' teachings not to practice their religion in public and not to seek public attention." In this way they betray the mission of such True Christ Warriors as Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Pastor Rick Warren.

Behold this eyewitness testimony from a terrified survivor of an Amish attack:

"They're curious children, and not shy like I would expect them to be," says a neighbor, Phyllis Dewald. "When we visited their farm, the children came from all directions and buildings. They're very nice people."

This is exactly what everyone said about the Taliban, at first. [USAT]

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Video screenshot, CBS 4 Miami

The mass murders at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut, and at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, are still killing people. Two survivors of Parkland killed themselves in the past week, and this morning, the body of the father of one of the Sandy Hook children was found in Newtown. And something like 35,800 guns will be sold today, if 2019 stats are comparable to 2018 sales figures. But cheer up -- without Barack Obama scaring everyone with his promise to take all the guns, that's down 16 percent from the highest gun sales in history in 2016. Then again, despite the lower gun sales, there were nearly 40,000 deaths caused with firearms in 2018. It was the third record year in a row. We're Number One.

The news has been just horrifying. On March 17, Sydney Aiello, 19, who'd been on campus at Stoneman Douglas the day of the 2018 massacre, killed herself. She'd been a close friend of one of the girls who died in the shooting, and had been diagnosed with PTSD, according to her mother. She had started college but found it hard to just to sit in classrooms because of her fears that a gunman might burst in. Then, this weekend, another Stoneman Douglas student, a male sophomore, as yet unidentified, killed himself -- like Ms. Aiello, with a gun.

Today, police in Newtown found the body of Jeremy Richman, a neuropharmacologist and the father of Avielle Richman, who was only 6 years old when she was one of the 20 children and six adults murdered at Sandy Hook in 2012. Richman and his wife, Jennifer Hensel, had founded a nonprofit to research the neurological problems that might lead to violent behavior. The foundation had an office in the complex where Richman's body was found. The couple were also among the Sandy Hook parents suing Alex Jones for spreading the false conspiracy theory that the Sandy Hook massacre was faked as part of a plot to take all the precious guns away.

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