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Forget the brown menace slithering out of Mexico under border fences and over the dead bodies of hardworking American fat people. There's a new Satan in town, and this wolf eschews the clothing of sheep in favor of the sexxxay apparel preferred by 17th-century Swiss Anabaptists. Yes, the descendants of Jakob Ammann are coming to your town, and they WILL churn their butter and practice nonviolence. Land prices and the bad economy have driven these evildoers West, and their particular Manifest Destiny is to quietly and passively destroy the very fabric of Real AmeriKKKan society.


Here's your USA Today with the terrifying report:

The Amish population is growing and embarking on a westward migration that has now reached as far as Colorado, South Dakota and Montana, according to an annual survey by Elizabethtown College in Pennsylvania, which tracks the Amish.

In the past year, the North American Amish population has grown 5%, an increase from 237,500 in 2009 to 249,500 today, the survey found.

These sick bastards, with their horses and buggies and devotion to Christ, technically are conservative Christian fundamentalists. But their behavior reveals a lack of fealty to the cause. According to Professor Donald Kraybill, who tracks these sinister bonnet-goblins, the Amish "generally are not interested in any kind of publicity or public attention and they basically take that from Jesus' teachings not to practice their religion in public and not to seek public attention." In this way they betray the mission of such True Christ Warriors as Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Pastor Rick Warren.

Behold this eyewitness testimony from a terrified survivor of an Amish attack:

"They're curious children, and not shy like I would expect them to be," says a neighbor, Phyllis Dewald. "When we visited their farm, the children came from all directions and buildings. They're very nice people."

This is exactly what everyone said about the Taliban, at first. [USAT]

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On Monday, someone attempted to murder George Soros by putting a bomb in his mailbox. Also on Monday, someone threw a rock into House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's office. Also, I spilled some hot coffee on myself. These are all things that happened on Monday, and were by some measure unpleasant. While most people might say, "Yes, all of those things are unpleasant, but they are not equal degrees of unpleasant," most people are not Chuck Schumer.

In what appears to be an attempt to get someone on Fox News to describe him as a "reasonable guy," Schumer sent out a tweet today lamenting the "despicable acts of violence and harassment" being done by "both sides."

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Republicans are KILLIN' IT in Florida, you guys! No worries about election day, Gators. It's all smooooooth sailing for the Sunshine State GOP. Just take it from Governor Rick Scott's lead pollster Wes Anderson, who produced a whimsical, unskewed poll for the campaign, featuring nostalgic jams about high Republican turnout in those good old days, telling the Tampa Bay Times,

As the linked slides indicate, Governor Scott currently leads Senator Nelson 51% to 46%, a lead that is outside of the margin of error.

It should also be noted that this sample from last week is very robust at 2,200 interviews of likely voters, stratified by county to reflect historic mid-term turnout. Our sample shows the Republicans with a one-point turnout advantage, even though we believe we will end up with a two- or three-point advantage. For historical context, in the past two mid-term elections Republicans had a four-point advantage in 2010 and a three-point advantage in 2014. At R+1, that makes our current sample a very conservative take on the likely partisan composition of this year's electorate.

NEEDZ MOAR BILL MURRAY.

No other pollster has replicated those numbers, with SurveyUSA, Quinnipiac, and CNN/SSRS all finding Bill Nelson in the lead, but if OnMessage, Inc. says Scott is running way ahead, then it must be true! Only OnMessage promises to "take your principles, your experience, and your opponent's weaknesses to develop a winning message plan that the voters will embrace." And who wouldn't trust a push pollster, right?

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