The Category Five Storm Is IN TRUMP'S BRAIN!
He's getting so much worse. Donald Trump was untethered to reality during the campaign, and the stress of pretending to run a country is clearly sending him 'round the bend into bugfuck insanity. All the adults have left the building, and Javanka aren't even bothering to plant pieces anymore about all the loony shit they restrained the old man from doing. The White House is Toadytown, and they're lettin' 'er rip! Should we colonize Greenland? Nuke a hurricane? Deport kids getting cancer treatment so they'll all die? Yes, yes, and yes!
They're "letting Trump be Trump," which is toadyspeak for abdicating their responsibility to advise the president for the good of the country in the hope that ranting like some dude on the median strip who thinks he's Jesus will be that secret sauce that ensures their boss's reelection. Russia, if you're listening ...
Hence, allowing Trump to skip a planned trip to visit our Eastern European allies so he could "monitor" Hurricane Dorian from his golf course and tweet mean shit at Debra Messing. Sorry, Poland! But hey, the President sends his congratulations on the anniversary of the German invasion and loss of a fifth of your population.
REPORTER: Do you have a message for Poland on the 80th anniversary of World War 2? TRUMP: "I do have a great messa… https://t.co/h9pDe9gvGf— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1567401230.0
In fairness, Donald Trump has never heard of a Category Five Hurricane. Who knew hurricanes could count so high? Did Barack Obama have storms that big? Donald Trump thinks not!
President Donald Trump on the existence of Category 5 hurricanes, 2017-2019. https://t.co/IRRny20hfp— Daniel Dale (@Daniel Dale) 1567362494.0
Weather is a great confuseration for our Meteorologist in Chief. To wit, if Donald Trump is King of the Jews, and Jews control the weather, why don't storms hit Alabama when he orders them to? When is John Roberts going to do something about those Deep State weather hacks at NOAA, that's what Donald Trump wants to know!
CNN has a great tick-tock of events Sunday, when Donald Trump repeatedly insisted that Alabama was in jeopardy from Hurricane Dorian. Which it was not, because GODDAMMIT, ATLANTIC OCEAN AND GULF OF MEXICO ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!
In addition to Florida - South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, will most likely be hit (much) harde… https://t.co/G9N3uqS9Pd— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1567349506.0
The National Weather Service for Birmingham was quick to reassure residents that they faced no danger from the storm.
Alabama will NOT see any impacts from #Dorian. We repeat, no impacts from Hurricane #Dorian will be felt across Ala… https://t.co/tI2SqytJga— NWS Birmingham (@NWS Birmingham) 1567350706.0
But Trump didn't see this tweet, since he was outside on the White House lawn arglebargling about storm danger to Florida, the Carolinas, Georgia, and "Alabama [which] is going to get a piece of it, it looks like. But it can change its course again and it could go back more toward Florida." Later he added that Alabama "could even be in for at least some very strong winds and something more than that, it could be. This just came up, unfortunately." And by "came up," we assume he means the syphilitic squirrels that live in his brain hole whispered to him that Alabama is on the East Coast and was thus in the storm's path and he said, "Yeah, checks out, lil' buddies. Thanks!"
You can imagine how pissed off he was when he went inside and saw that the Heart of Dixie beats 250 miles inland from the Atlantic Ocean! He vowed never to listen to those pesky squirrels again and contacted the White House doctor to get him some meds to shut up Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, toot sweet.
Just kidding! He took to Twitter and started howling at some guy named Jon Carl, who does not work for ABC, and who had nothing to do with their broadcast debunking his earlier tweet. But Trump deleted and reposted, so, uh no harm, no foul?
....when in fact, under certain original scenarios, it was in fact correct that Alabama could have received some “h… https://t.co/5qmKALBrJX— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1567466212.0
Holy Bowling Green Massacre, Batman! There never were any "original scenarios" when Alabama was on the Atlantic Ocean. And who the hell was home watching ABC news on a holiday weekend anyway? But instead of ignoring it, like a person who doesn't snort Adderall -- not that the president would do any such thing, every inference from his behavior notwithstanding -- Trump prolonged the news cycle by making even more shit up. After which all the little toadies in Toadland rushed to make a lie into the truth, instead of manning up and trying to distract him with a squeaky toy or porn.
Here's White House Spokesliar Stephanie Grisham, doing what she does best. (That's lying, not DUIing, in case you're confused.)
At the briefing at Camp David, the President and others in attendance were told it was important that the focus shouldn't be on the 'line or track' of the hurricane. That despite where Dorian would ultimately make landfall, the 'expanse of the wind field is large' and there was still 'a lot of uncertainty.' His comments were simply noting those points, and with Alabama's proximity to Florida it makes sense.
Literally none of that is true, most particularly the "it makes sense" part. You can hardly pretend that Donald Trump received some Top Seeeeekrit weather briefing days ago which said maybe the storm would make a U-turn and veer into the Gulf of Mexico when the Dementor in Chief said this Alabama business "just came up." Or maybe you can, if you're Stephanie Grisham and lying is your thing.
In conclusion, Joe Biden's gaffes are terrible, BUT HER EMAILS, Democrats in Disarray, this is very good news for John McCain, and Alabamans should hurry up and buy bread and TP before the stores run out.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.