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The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

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If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week's Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin's back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format.


She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin's wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama's foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game.

The first video is mostly about the Arrogant Kenyan Usurper's unwillingness to use the phrase "Islamic terrorism," which, whatever, God, it's just the same thing every day with these people. The second video, focused on the rise of Red China, is a thing of beauty.

So what have we been doing while China quietly but aggressively has been building up its military forces? Well, the Obama Administration has responded to this kinda like it has all other threats -- with impotence! In his first term as president, Obama cut $478 billion in our defense spending, and another $600 billion in cuts is comin' in the future.

Wait, when did Obama approve drone strikes against China?

Cutting $478 billion in defense spending seems like a natural part of ending two simultaneous land wars in Asia, but what does Yr Wonket know? Also, raise your hand if you remember the term "sequestration." Oh good, a number of you have done the reading! Hey, who can tell us what the sequester did to the Pentagon's budget? Anyone? Anyone?

Yes, Time's Mark Thompson, would you like to tell the class how much the Defense Department stands to lose under sequestration?

Half of [the sequester's] $1.2 trillion in cuts, under the law passed in August, has to come from the “050 accounts” – which overwhelmingly means the Pentagon. Other defense-related agencies, like the Energy Department’s nuke-building division, fall under the 050 umbrella, meaning the Pentagon won’t have to come up with all $600 billion in cuts over the coming decade.

This is Palin at her best. In the first half of a compound sentence, Obama is actively cutting the military's budget; in the second half of the sentence, $600 billion worth of cuts "is comin' in the future." All of these cuts are, presumably, a result of Obama's hatred of Our Brave Troops, and perhaps also the very Idea of America. The Republican-controlled House of Representatives had no part in any of this.

Palin goes on to complain about the degradation of the equipment used by The Finest Military On God's Green Earth, displaying a blissful ignorance of the toll that a decade of land wars in Asia can take on machinery. Then she goes for the kill:

Many Americans don't know that our troops? They often go into battle supported by decades-old airplane and tank designs, using weapons that date back, well, even before the Reagan Administration. Um, sometimes we're not well-equipped, and yet we're cutting back? Against these threats around the globe that are rampin' it up?

That's simply masterful. The American military is indeed using "airplane and tank designs" that pre-date the Reagan Administration, doesn't that sound terrible?

Those "airplane and tank designs" include the F-15, an aircraft that entered service in 1976 and has literally never lost a dogfight. They include the B-52, which entered service six full years before Ronald Reagan warned America of the dangers of socialized medicine, and which is currently in line for a major upgrade to its internal weapons bay thanks to a decision made by Barack Obama's Pentagon. They include the M-1 Abrams, which remains the most ass-kickin' main battle tank on the planet despite entering service while John Lennon was still alive.

As Pfc. Track Palin might be able to explain to his mother, current war plans in East Asia don't call for a lot of tank battles, mostly because the Pacific Ocean is still a thing that exists. Watch the full video, and note how Palin fails to mention that China's only aircraft carrier is a 25-year-old Soviet tub designated for training.

For the life of us, we cannot understand why Governor Quitterface is spending so much time speaking ill of America's military. Why does she hate Our Brave Troops?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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