The Fartknocker Report: Nanny-Stater Sarah Palin Tells America How To Raise Kids Good

The Sarah Palin Channel has resumed its previous publication schedule, pumping out two videos (combined run-time: 3:26) in the last week. The first video, "Raising Patriots," features Palin telling hard-working Americans how to raise their own goddamn kids, because Sarah Palin feels as though she is fit to offer parenting advice for some reason.

Twenty-three of the video's 106 seconds are devoted to Palin listing the places she visited on her 2011 bus tour, footage from which is the gift that keepsongiving in SarahWorld. But at the 55-second mark, Palin pulls on her jackboots and steps on American families' throats, for freedom.

Moms and dads have a responsibility to address the patriotism gap that's been created by a pop culture too cool to acknowledge the benefits of this great nation.

Just a quick reminder that "American Sniper" pulled down $547 million at the box office, that "God Bless America" now accompanies the seventh-inning stretch, and that Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill is planning to expand into six new markets. Dang that anti-American pop culture, dang it right to heck.

How should we remedy this non-existent problem, Sarah, so's we can make sure our kids learn all the good stuff about America, real good-like?

Maybe instead of going to an amusement park, why not give your kids in addition the gift of American history?

"Hooray!" said none of America's children, "A gift we never asked for and do not know how to play with, what fun! Wait here, we are going to ask Jimmy down the block if he would like to play Historically Accurate Cowboys and Indians."

Visiting the historic sites, it's going to teach them that we live in the most prosperous, most liberty-loving, dynamic, and diverse country ever created.

All American parents will agree that teenagers are fascinated by Civil War battlefields and the musty childhood homes of presidents. Ask your own teen what they think of a trip to Gettysburg in the sweltering midsummer heat, and they will tell you it is "fine," and technically, that is not a "no!" Try it sometime for fun and profit.

Also, it's a good idea to tell your kids that America is the most diverse country on the planet; this will allow your children the opportunity to use Wikipedia to make a mockery of Mom and Dad's political talking points, thus speeding the younglings progress toward rebellion, ankle tattoos, and electing to attend a college far, far from home.

In this week's second video, Sarah talks about facts and figures and proves one of two things: either she is terrible at math, or she assumes you are.

Did you know that the federal government owes around $100 trillion more in Social Security benefits than other programs?

What? No? And also, what? Usually, Yr Wonket is able to trace Palin's talking points back to some neckbearded corner of the Internet, but we are at a loss here—we do not know what this sentence means, and we also do not know what this sentence is even trying to mean. We submit it as further evidence that the Sarah Palin Channel operates on a strict one-take-only policy.

As you hear the Presidential candidates debate how to fix this massive problem, the Democrat candidate will probably talk about taxing the rich. And, y'know, at a time when middle class incomes have flatlined, like we see today, most Americans aren't really worried about the rich getting hit with higher taxes.

Pfffft, what dummies not-rich Americans are to think that! But get ready, America, because Sarah Palin is about to math-splain at you why you are wrong and why you too should be very concerned for the rich, who carry a heavy burden on behalf of you, The Poors, their economic and moral inferiors.

But, here's the tax-the-rich answer that, uh, becomes a cop-out: America can't tax its way out of debt. In 2010, millionaires and billionaires in America earned $840 billion. Now, even if the federal government took all of their income, every penny of what they make, every last cent of it, it would be about $11 trillion, according to the Census Bureau. Even if our government stole every single penny of their money, $11 trillion, that would still not be enough to pay off our debt!

So, the next time you hear someone, just, say, y'know, they're spewin' their solution being, "Well, we're just gonna tax the rich," you know immediately that nah, they don't know what they're talkin' about, they're not serious about our national debt crisis.

Who can tell the rest of the class what is the stinkiest part of all this bullshit? Was it the part where, suddenly, only millionaires and billionaires pay federal taxes, and all payroll and corporate taxes magically disappear? Or was it the idea that we are under some obligation to repay more than 200 years of debt in the next 365 days, despite continued global demand for ten- and thirty-year T-bills? That weird thing where trillions are the same as billions? Leave your response (and your inevitable citations of top marginal rates under Eisenhower) in the comments, which we do not allow.

This week's videos bring to mind a zen koan that we just made up: if a grifter lies in the woods, and none of her subscribers passed high-school algebra, is Bristol Palin still pregnant? It's one of those questions without an answer, which is why our koan, like Sarah Palin herself, is so gosh-darn profound.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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