The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Is All Het Up About The Spanishes
The Sarah Palin Channel has released three videos in the last week and a half, and none of them is interesting enough to warrant its own blog post. There's one on a Social Security Disability "snafu," one that is Just Asking Questions about foreign donors to the Clinton Foundation, and one about the Supreme Court throatcramming some California students who couldn't wear the shirts they wanted in school. It's a seriously boring week, even by Palin's standards.
That's a shame, because as Palin ably demonstrated on her Facebook page, she's still got plenty of fire in the belly. Unfortunately, by paying their subscriptions up front, the people watching the Sarah Palin Channel appear to have disincentivized America's quittin'-est governor from wanting to put in an honest day's effort. Don't they understand what they are doing to Sarah's work ethic?
Anyway, fine, here are the greatest hits from this week's three videos, which, again, are really boring because Sarah Palin is unbelievably lazy and no longer tries to pretend that she cares about this project.
Sarah Palin Can See Puerto Rican Disability Fraud From Her House
Hey, here's a story that is almost two months old! Let's allow Sarah Palin to give us the news hot off the presses, then cooled off the presses, then forgotten under a bunch of junk mail for more than 50 days, then regurgitated for profit by a grifting lunatic with no respect for her audience.
The federal government is giving disability to Spanish-speaking Puerto Ricans because they don't know English in Puerto Rico. [...]
But wait a minute, why would they need to know English to find jobs on a Spanish-speaking island? Obviously, they don't. This was yet another example of big-government incompetence.
True story! Thankfully, all this big-government incompetence was rooted out by...well, big-government competence. We know this will be difficult to believe, Wonketeers, but it's true: Sarah Palin is able to bring you this news (two months after the lamestream media) because of a report from Social Security's own Inspector General.
Just goes to show that everyone in government is a crook, even the ones who expose the crooks and then swiftly propose sensible policy changes.
Freedom Strangled In Crib As Supremes Won't Support Jingoism On Cinco De Mayo
In our second video this week, Sarah Palin asks why the Supreme Court won't stick its nose in more local school districts' business. Can you guess why?
Well, the Supreme Court just declined to hear a case brought by California students who were actually disciplined for wearing American flag shirts to school on Cinco de Mayo. [...]
School officials told them, mmm, kids, turn your shirts inside out. Offensive? They feared it would cause a fight to have an American flag on an American kids shirt, cause a fight with some of the Latino kids, wanted to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. In other words, the school chose to shut down free speech instead of disciplining anyone who would bully kids over their choice of what shirt they were wearing.
That ellipsis in Yr Wonket's transcription comprises the 27 seconds in which Palin shows Fox News personalities Bill O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly, and Greta van Susteren explaining why the Ninth Circuit was correct in upholding a lower court's decision against the students, and why the Supreme Court was correct in refusing to hear the case.
Of course, that meant nothing to Sarah.
But the Supreme Court doesn't have to be the final authority on this. Parents, stand up, and demand that school officials there, they control bullying that stifles free speech, and allow free speech and all of our constitutional rights to reign.
Like Andrew Jackson, Sarah Palin believes that the Supreme Court does not have the final word regarding the interpretation of law in the United States. Unlike Andrew Jackson, Sarah Palin is incapable of winning a national election.
Hillary Clinton Going To Sell Out America To Evil Foreigners, Like Saudi Arabia And Also Too Canada
And now for something different, it's time for Sarah Palin to Just Ask Some Questions about Hillary Clinton, a woman who has openly associated with foreigners who are, by definition, untrustworthy unless they are members of the Likud Party. Sure, Palin doesn't have any evidence supporting her claims, but she has plenty of hearsay and conjecture, and those are kinds of evidence.
The Clinton Foundation received approved foreign donations when Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State, and the donations stepped up after she resigned. The money has been pouring in ever since, foreign money.
Are we sure this foreign money comes from the goodness of the Saudis' hearts? Are we sure that, oh, everyone's motives are pure? Or could they be trying to buy goodwill and influence from a potential future president?
We don't know, Sarah, why don't you whip out your crystal ball and tell us, Jesus Christ we're going to have to listen to this crap for another eleven months, aren't we? Let's take a look at the Fox News graphic the Sarah Palin Channel chose to show during this inspired little bit of monologue:
Astute geographers will recognize that huge neon yellow blob to America's north as the country of Canada, a tribal culture dominated by a faction devoted to a 7th-century view of hockey. The Obama Administration's spin doctors will insist that Canada is America's largest trading partner and a steadfast American ally for more than a century, but you, dear reader, will know this is not true, because only evil countries give money to the Clinton Foundation. Evil countries like Norway, Taiwan, and Ireland. Y'know, the real bad guys.
A little more than 500 days until polls close on the West Coast, you guys.
The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.
Follow Dan on Twitter.