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On this week's Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Sarah Palin provides further evidence that news travels to Alaska via dogsled, paddlewheel steamers, and three-eyed ravens. We simply cannot come up with any other explanation for this bit of Palin-flavored conserva-whining about an al-Shabaab attack in Kenya from early April:


Wow, are massacres of Christians now so routine that, shoot, they can barely break into the news cycle? Seems that way. In Kenya, a jihadist group every bit as radical as ISIS stormed into a college, they separated the Christians from the Muslim students, and they didn't stop shooting Christians until more than 140 Christians lay dead.

Governor Quitterface then buttresses this assertion by providing video footage of the shooting from the lamestream media, which somehow managed to cover the story three full weeks before Palin did. Wow, are massacres of Christians now so routine that, shoot, Sarah Palin won't even feature them on her grifty Internet teevee channel? Seems that way.

Palin then claims that "Christians are being targeted for murder in our long war against Islam," which is certainly one way to think about it. Here is a short list of other groups that have been targeted by jihadist shitheads. We are just spitballing here, so if we missed any prominent groups, please point them out in the non-existent comments section.

Who are we missing? Oh yes, that's right, we are missing everyone who doesn't subscribe to a particularly batshit form of a particular form of monotheism, our mistake. Thankfully, we have Sarah Palin to remind us that Christians are still capable of climbing up on crosses for all the world to see.

The Obama administration, it's focusing its energy on things like appeasing Iran while alienating Israel. Our priorities are exactly backwards. These backward priorities are killing the Christian faith in the Middle East. They're killing Christians in Africa.

Huh, that's weird, we could have sworn that Palin just told us that jihadists from al-Shabaab were killing Christians in Africa. Now, it seems, Barack Obama is at fault for all those Christian deaths! Makes sense.

And wait, Kenya? Isn't that the same country where prisoner-of-conscience and convicted felon Dinesh D'Souza claims that Obama's father developed his socialist anti-colonialism? Oh our benevolent sky-god, this is exactly what Dick Cheney said would happen!

We're through the looking glass here, people.

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The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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