The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin's Empire Of Grift Crumbles Into The Eternal Sea
Sarah Palin has finally awakened from her long summertime slumber to publish new videos, hooray! We’ll get to the new video in a moment. But first: where has Governor Quitterface been these last couple weeks?
Like migratory waterfowl before they are shot and field-dressed by the First Dude, Palin’s been calm above the surface while paddling furiously beneath. The exact chronology is unclear, but let’s recap what has happened in Palin’s life over the course of these two video-free weeks:
- Sarah Palin’s abstinence-advocatin’ daughter Bristol announced that she is once more with child. Bristol referred to this as a “huge disappointment to my family,” and Mama Grizzly did not dispute Bristol’s characterization.
- Fox News chose not to renew Sarah Palin’s contract, thus depriving the Wasilla Griftbillies of a dependable and (likely) large stream of income.
- Sarah Palin ran a Facebook poll, asking participants to chime in about puttin’ a lady face on the ten-dollar bill. You are not going to believe this, Wonketeers, but in order to vote in Palin’s poll, you have to give her your email address. Surely, this is just so America’s Quittin’est Governor can stay in touch with her supporters, and not so she can sell their email addresses to the black-hearted scammers at the heart of movement conservatism. Palin’s Facebook poll makes no mention of her earlier screed against Margaret Sanger gracing the $20, mostly because it’s behind a paywall and thus can’t be used for grifting purposes on the broader Internet.
- SarahPAC began sending a half-hour-long DVD to its supporters explaining why Sarah Palin is still a very important person and why everyone should continue to pay attention to her. The publication of this DVD coincided with the Sarah Palin Channel’s two weeks of nothing but recycled PAC footage, leading Yr Wonket to conclude that the entire Sarah Palin video operation is one guy with a copy of Final Cut and an ironclad contract limiting the amount of time he has to waste on this crap.
There is no easy way to say this: Sarah Palin’s grifting business appears to be foundering. The mast has snapped, the waves are coming over the gunwales, and the First Mate slipped, fell on a penis, and got pregnant again. Mutinies have been sparked by less, but mutinies require a mutinous crew, and right now, Sarah Palin stands alone at the bridge, spinning the wheel hard one way, then hard the other, like she saw a man do in a movie once.
ANYWAY, we promised you new Sarah Palin Channel content, so here it is. This video was published on June 24, two days before the Supreme Court throatcrammed America with buttsex and scissoring.
Religious freedom helps bind us together as a nation by giving us room to do what we believe we must. Think of it this way: a good government gives people the space that they need to follow their conscience.
Or think of it this way, which is the way most Western jurists have thought about it since the end of the English Civil War: good government demands that people comport themselves according to the standards of law, while not really caring what those people’s consciences dictate.
Yr Wonket can find no evidence of Palin standing up to defend the consciences of Alfred Smith and Galen Black when they claimed that their religious faith required the use of peyote. As of Wonkette press time, Palin has yet to file an amicus brief supporting the Satanic Temple’s sincerely held religious beliefs regarding abortion. And with the Boston Marathon bombing trial coming to a close, Palin is really running short on time to defend Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s right to live by the dictates of his conscience.
But sure, let’s pretend that good government is just your cool stepdad who encourages you to take a gap year and really find yourself, why not?
There are some today who scoff at religious liberty. They believe that, well, man has all the knowledge that he needs to make the world great. [scoffs] No man is greater than God, no man is wiser than God. We all need the freedom to seek and to discern God’s will ”for ourselves.
Unless it turns out that God’s will involves the having of buttsex, or the murder of non-believers, or the use of hard drugs, or the abortion of snowflake babbies, or other dictates of conscience that do not rise to Sarah Palin’s high and totally coherent moral standards. If that’s the case, Sarah Palin will cluck her tongue and shake her head and wonder what’s become of the strong and beautiful nation she once knew.
Our subscription to the Sarah Palin Channel— made possible by a generous contribution from Fartknocker — runs out in a few short weeks. At this point, the only real question is whether the Sarah Palin Channel or our subscription will expire first.
The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.
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