The First Rule Of Hillary And Bernie Fight Club Is MOMMY AND DADDY, STOP FIGHTING!
OH YEAH? OH YEAH?
[contextly_sidebar id="JlFFd4LpiF009JS5ppIIxGtZ2wfVtvQv"]Thursday night's Democratic debate was fun! As usual, it featured grown-ups saying brain thoughts to each other, as opposed to the poo-flinging zoo creatures on the crowded GOP debate stage. But this time the grown-ups' faces got all red and the brain thoughts were GRRRRR. And, of course, the fight started over which candidate's "progressive" dick was bigger, because that's what they've been Twitter-fighting about all week long:
CLINTON: Well because I am a progressive who gets things done. And the root of that word, progressive, is progress. But I've heard Senator Sanders' comments, and it's really caused me to wonder who's left in the progressive wing of the Democratic Party. Under his definition, President Obama is not progressive because he took donations from Wall Street; Vice President Biden is not progressive because he supported Keystone; Senator Shaheen is not progressive because she supports the trade pact. Even the late, great Senator Paul Wellstone would not fit this definition because he voted for DOMA.
That's all good, nobody is a progressive 'cept Bernie, now SAY A MEAN, HILLARY:
You know, we have differences and, honestly, I think we should be talking about what we want to do for the country. But if we're going to get into labels, I don't think it was particularly progressive to vote against the Brady Bill five times. I don't think it was progressive to vote to give gun makers and sellers immunity. I don't think it was progressive to vote against Ted Kennedy's immigration reform. So we could go back and forth like this ...
She wanted to talk about ISSUES, and also give Sen. Sanders a chance to go buy some aloe vera to treat the #SickBern she just did to him. But instead, Bernie started to rev up, pointing out that Hillary is definitely not allowed to be two things at the same time:
It wasn't me paraphrasing her. It is what she said, and all that I said was there's nothing wrong with being a moderate. But, you can't be a moderate, you can't a progressive.
PICK A POLITICAL ADJECTIVE, HILLZ.
Hillz, for her part, was like "Awwww, nice attack, but anyway ANGER WORDS!"
I understand Senator Sanders is really trying to distinguish himself. I understand that, that's what you do in campaigns, but at the same time let's not be -- in, I think an unfair way -- making an accusation, or making an attack about where I stand and about where I've always stood.
It is fair to say, Senator, that in your definition, as you being the self-proclaimed gatekeeper for progressivism ...
Whew, it's getting hot up in here!
Then Hillary deputized her vagina to do some fighting:
Well, look, I've got to just jump in here because, honestly, Senator Sanders is the only person who I think would characterize me, a woman running to be the first woman president, as exemplifying the establishment.
She added, "I am not going to make promises I can't keep," clearly alluding to how Bernie has promised every American family a free healthcare ride to marijuana college the day he's inaugurated, which is why all the hipsters like him.
Bernie did not like all these #berns, because he invented #berns, so he decided it was time for his REAL #berns to come out:
What being part of the establishment is, is, in the last quarter, having a super PAC that raised $15 million from Wall Street, that throughout one's life raised a whole lot of money from the drug companies and other special interests.
WALL STREET STRUMPET!
CLINTON: Yeah, but I -- I think it's fair to really ask what's behind that comment. You know, Senator Sanders has said he wants to run a positive campaign. I've tried to keep my disagreements over issues, as it should be.
But time and time again, by innuendo, by insinuation, there is this attack that he is putting forth, which really comes down to -- you know, anybody who ever took donations or speaking fees from any interest group has to be bought.
And I just absolutely reject that, Senator. And I really don't think these kinds of attacks by insinuation are worthy of you. And enough is enough. If you've got something to say, say it directly.
SAY IT TO MY FACE!
Here, want some video?
After all that, and just as we predicted, they MOSTLY quit fighting and decided to be nice to each other again. The rest of the debate was a bunch of, "I think what Hillary said was the best," and "Sen. Sanders is really good at this thing and gives the best hugs also." Oh, there were moments where they disagreed, but they knew they didn't need to fight anymore.
Finally, at the end of the debate, they hugged it out, and Rachel Maddow made them admit that fighting over who's the biggest progressive is really dumb, and they were like "WTF, those Republicans though? Yeesh."
SANDERS: I happen to respect the secretary very much, I hope it's mutual. And on our worst days, I think it is fair to say we are 100 times better than any Republican candidate.
CLINTON: That's true. That's true.
And now everybody loves each other again, except for all the dumb Democrats fighting in comments sections, who refuse to STFU because they are the WORST.
[Debate transcript via MSNBC]