The Good, The Bad, And The SHUT UP YOU LIAR: New York Times Gets To Know The Democratic Candidates!
The New York Times has released a silly/serious compilation of most of the Democrats answering the same 18 questions, and it actually doesn't completely suck. We say "most of the Democrats," because Joe Biden did not get involved. Maybe he's too busy reaching around the aisle to work together with segregationists or something. We make joke, but the Times specifically says, "Joseph R. Biden Jr. declined to participate despite repeated requests since late April," because "what is your favorite comfort food" and "what do you do to relax" are apparently not gaffe-free zones for the former vice president. Or maybe he's just above this.
The Times asked silly questions, and also serious questions. Should we look at the serious ones? LOL fuck you, not today, Satan.
Here are some factual statements about the candidates, based on their answers:
Amy Klobuchar's favorite comfort food is "baked potato" and one time she left her underpants in the aisle in the airplane. (That was her answer to the "most recent embarrassing moment" question, not the "what do you do to relax" question. "Leave my underpants in the airplane aisle!" does sound pretty relaxing, though.)
The candidates who win the "comfort food" competition are Elizabeth Warren (chips and guacamole), Kamala Harris (buckets of french fries), and the overall winner Kirsten Gillibrand, who just said she
loves Jesus but she drinks a little likes a spot of whiskey before bed.
Marianne Williamson's favorite comfort food is "definitely not vaccines," HAHAHA just kidding, she says she doesn't have a comfort food.
Tulsi Gabbard and Cory Booker have a "comfort food," and it is Vegan Stuff. On this one Gabbard actually wins (first and last time, champ!), because she at the very least says she's addicted to vegan cupcakes, whereas Booker wants us to believe he stress-eats carrots and celery. Dork. Julian Castro also loses the "comfort food" competition, because his favorite "comfort food" is "iced tea." Nope.
On the "most recent embarrassing moment" question, most of the candidates did not really share very good stories. As we noted above, though, Amy Klobuchar said she somehow left her "BRIGHTLY COLORED" UNDERPANTS in the aisle of a plane. That was a good one.
Elizabeth Warren had a story:
"I did this with a child and said something about, 'It's really important that we girls stick together.' The mother said, 'He's a boy.'"
Cory Booker apparently has some real embarrassing guilty pleasure music on his Spotify, and John Hickenlooper talked about farts. Bernie Sanders gets embarrassed when he doesn't accomplish the things he sets out to accomplish (LOOSEN UP, BERNIE, TELL US A FART STORY). Bill de Blasio wore cargo shorts to the gym, and now he's not the fashion icon we all thought he was.
Oh yes, and then there was the "sleep" question. How much do they get? We would like to know what sleep rituals Elizabeth Warren has, because she says she sleeps sometime as much as EIGHT HOURS a night! And Gillibrand gets "BETWEEN EIGHT AND NINE!" What is HER secret, oh yeah we forgot, her comfort food is "whiskey before bed."
What do they do to relax? Normal things, mostly. Kamala Harris cooks (DELICIOUS BUCKETS OF FRENCH FRIES probably), Elizabeth Warren walks her dog Bailey, lots of them hang with their kids and grandkids. Andrew Yang says hanging out with his kids is cool because they don't even know he's running for president. And nobody else does either!
Pete Buttigieg says he and Chasten need a new show to binge, now that "Game Of Thrones" is over.
Oh yeah, and Tim Ryan works out. He works out, bro. So does Kirsten Gillibrand. She works out, bro.
Everybody's hero is MAH WIFE, except for the candidates who don't have wives. Just fooling, even those candidates picked MAH WIFE! It was weird. OK we are still just fooling. Kamala Harris said her mom, lots of the rest said their parents, their grandparents, their families. Others focused on political and activist heroes like Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and Martin Luther King Jr. Some picked a personal hero and a political hero! But really, everybody's hero is MAH WIFE.
Like we said, there were also serious questions, like "In an ideal world, would anyone own handguns?" and "Medicare For All or improving Obamacare or something in between?" and "Whither climate change, good sirs and madams?" You are free to watch those videos, but they are not the focus of this post, because we have been writing about Trump's march to war with Iran all day and we are not in the mood to delve into that.
Hey, we bet they will talk about that stuff at the first Democratic debate, which happens next Tuesday and Wednesday, and which yr Wonkette will be liveblogging!
In summary and in conclusion, Joe Biden better answer these questions very soon, or Wonkette will be forced to make up answers for them. SPOILER: They will be mean answers.
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