Donald Trump's former Kraken handler, Sidney Powell, held a banana pants press conference Wednesday in Alpharetta, Georgia, just north of Atlanta, where cool people live. She shared more absurd, baseless claims about how dead but still spry Hugo Chavez helped mean old Joe Biden steal Trump's landslide victory, like someone snatching away a baby's rattle.

Hundreds of maskless morons showed up for this “Stop the Steal" rally. They welcomed Powell with a roar of applause, despite her Washington Generals-like streak of courtroom losses.

Maybe it wasn't all crazy. Maybe Powell, who is somehow licensed to practice law, said something reasonable.

POWELL: There was and still is massive voter fraud across this country. It took all forms. It was not just the Dominion machines. We have experts and a witness who have explained to us that the fraud exists in the DNA of the software that was run by any voting system in the country, so they all are at risk of having been manipulated. I think that we will eventually find that the algorithm that flipped votes at a certain percentage from Trump to Mr. Biden was run all across the country.

Yeah, that's unequivocally nuts, and it's the same lie-laced fantasy Trump posted Wednesday on Facebook. Look, Georgia just completed a hand recount of paper ballots. I repeat: Hands counted paper, motherfuckers. Biden's win was legit and Republican officials certified the result.


Powell was joined by L. Lin Wood, who's also a QAnon devotee. Last week, the Atlanta-based attorney vowed not to vote in the Georgia runoff until all the imaginary voter fraud was fixed. Now he wants all Georgia Republicans to withhold their votes from Senators David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler unless they publicly endorse the Kraken conspiracies.

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I'm sure Perdue and Loeffler are up for lying — they're Republicans, after all — but there's just not enough Botox available that would permit them to say any of this with a straight face.

Wood suggested that his unhinged mob go pay a visit to Brian Kemp at the governor's mansion. They weren't going to sing carols or anything inhuman like that, but Wood said they should surround Kemp's residence until he agrees to their demands, which presumably involve waving a magic wand and making Trump the winner of Georgia's electoral votes.

WOOD: And then he can resign. And as far as I'm concerned, lock him up!

And, yes, the crowd cried out “lock him up!" ... about a Republican governor. This deranged chant has true crossover appeal.

Wood declared that Joe Biden "would never set foot in the Oval Office of this country. It will not happen on our watch. Never gonna happen." This rhetoric is antidemocratic and a not-so-subtle threat against the next duly elected president of the United States.

Tuesday, Georgia's voting system manager, Gabriel Sterling, begged his fellow Republicans to accept reality and stop behaving like lunatics. Unfortunately, he didn't travel back to a pre-Tea Party 2008 to plead his case, when he might've stood a chance. The Kraken is now inside the house, and it's far too late to expect human decency from Trump's GOP. Sterling has received death threats, but Wood still attacked him publicly.

WOOD: You listen up, Gabriel. You're not going to sell our votes to China.

Wood claimed he asked Kemp to swear on a Bible that he wasn't on the take from China, but Kemp refused because, well, YIKES! so that's more evidence of fraud. We're now just re-enacting the Salem witch trials.

Republicans who are more tethered to reality worry that a circular firing squad within the GOP isn't ideal just before a runoff election that will determine control of the Senate. There's “increasing concern" that voter fraud conspiracy theories will depress turnout, and Georgia could start 2021 as a Biden-carried state with two Democratic senators like a common commie Arizona. They're not flipping out without cause. Powell straight-up said yesterday she "would encourage all Georgians to make it known that you will not vote at all unless your vote is secure." Wood almost sounded like a Democratic plant if Democrats were diabolical or clever enough to pull that off.

WOOD: [Perdue and Loeffler] have not earned your vote. Don't you give it to them. Why would you go back and vote in another rigged election for god's sake! Fix it! You gotta fix it!

However, what the Kraken tamers consider "secure" is impossible to achieve within a month — no Dominion voting machines or wire hangers, ever! — he's effectively urgings Republicans to boycott the January 5 runoff.

I refer you again to the above "Fine by me!" Ross Geller gif.

[Mediaite / AJC]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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