The Lying Lies of Paul Ryan, Who Lies


In the hours since his acceptance speech last night, the lies of lying liar Paul Ryan have been well-documented -- but what the hell, let's recap them anyway!

THE GM PLANT: "Well, as it turned out, that plant didn't last another year. It is locked up and empty to this day."

Actually, the plant closed in 2008, before Barack Obama became president of the United States and, you know, saved the American auto industry, in a plan publicly opposed by Mitt Romney.

THE DEBT COMMISSION: "He created a new bipartisan debt commission. They came back with an urgent report.  He thanks them, sent them on their way, and then did exactly nothing."

Just one tiny, eensy weensy, miniscule fact Paul Ryan left out there: he was on the fucking debt commission. And that "urgent report" that was so urgent that President Obama is worse than Hitler for ignoring it? Paul Ryan voted against it, and their report was three votes short of being an officially endorsed set of recommendations.

AMERICA'S CREDIT RATING: "It began with a perfect AAA credit rating for the United States. It ends with the downgraded America."

America's credit was downgraded for exactly one reason: Republican members of Congress (including one Representative Paul Ryan) were literally threatening to stop America from paying its debts. The downgraded rating is as much President Obama's fault as it is the band's.

And of course Ryan repeated the now well-worn lies about the Medicare savings in the Affordable Care Act and President Obama's "we built that" line. (Has there ever been a political convention built entirely around a single lie before? All of them? OK, let's move on.)

If the Romney campaign felt comfortable putting these patently obvious lies into Ryan's speech, you have to wonder what else the veep nominee said last night that also a load of horseshit.

To the FactCheck-a-Tron!

THE NOMINATION: "For my part, your nomination is an unexpected turn."

It is a well-documented fact that an eight-year-old Paul Ryan was told by a gypsy fortune teller that he would one day be the Republican vice-presidential nominee. She also explained the ending of Lost, but Ryan refuses to divulge what he knows.

HIS WIFE AND KIDS: "My best friend and wife Janna, my daughter Liza and our boys Charlie and Sam."

Ryan's actual best friend is Rob Kardashian. They go clubbing three times a week. Liza and Sam are his children, but Ryan legally disinherited Charlie after he wrote a report in first grade about FDR without using the words "socialist" or "polio."

COLLEGE GRADUATIONS UNDER OBAMA: "Millions of young Americans have graduated from college during the Obama presidency, ready to use their gifts and get moving in life."

Only six people have graduated college in America since January 20, 2009, five of them from DeVry.

JACK KEMP: "I learned a good deal about economics, and about America, from the author of the Reagan tax reforms, the great Jack Kemp."

Jack Kemp, of course, is the well-known former quarterback of the Buffalo Bills. Why Ryan claimed that he has had any involvement in politics or economics is mystifying.

WE CAN: "We can get this country working again. We can get this economy growing again. We can make the safety net safe again. We can do this."

In fact, we cannot.

HIS PLAYLIST: "He actually urged me to play some of these songs at campaign rallies. I said, 'look, I hope it is not a deal breaker Mitt, but my playlist starts with AC/DC and it ends with Zeppelin.'"

This is a lie of omission. Ryan did say this to Mitt Romney, but he did not say what happened next: Romney slapped him, hard in the face, and told him never to talk back to him again.

HIS MOM: "And to this day, my Mom is my role model."

Two words: Ayn Rand.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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