The One Where These Dummies Hold A Press Conference At The Wrong Four Seasons
Saturday, when the networks finally mastered math and called the presidential election for Joe Biden, Donald Trump tweeted that that his
goons lawyers would “hold a big press conference" at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia, the city whose voters he wants to disenfranchise like a common dictator.
You probably assumed President Lame Duck meant the Four Seasons Hotel in Center City, the heart of Philly with the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall and fancy skyscrapers, but that's not how our white working-class hero rolls. The Four Seasons the Trump campaign booked was actually Four Seasons Total Landscaping, which is not a hotel at all but a landscaping business as evidenced by the name Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Before the Trump campaign, no one ever confused the two, not even the world's worst wedding planner.
This is obviously not intentional. Someone clearly fucked up big. OR alternate theory: It was intentional, and because Trump announced it "Four Seasons" before they actually tried to book anything, they had to "save face" by holding the presser at something else called "Four Seasons." Regardless, the American public was treated to the sight of Trump's personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, complaining about imaginary voter fraud in a drab parking lot next to a dildo shop. (Though in fairness, the Fantasy Island Adult Bookstore appeared to have better COVID-19 protocols than the White House. People inside were wearing masks, but that might not have been specific to 2020.)
I feel like we didn’t focus enough on the fact that someone in the Trump campaign meant to schedule the “four seaso… https://t.co/54VlYUjQQU— Alex Sexton (@Alex Sexton)1604773257.0
This was so humiliating for Giuliani, you'd think Sacha Baron Cohen was involved.
Trump campaign adviser, Corey Lewandowski, who spits gibberish on One America News Network, insisted there was no mistake. The campaign had always intended to hold this very important press conference in Eastasia.
Lewandowski tweeted a nice endorsement Saturday night. Four Seasons Total Landscaping could use some positive press ever since that Yelp review declared the dildo shop next door “a creepy place." People didn't feel safe meeting in the parking lot after hours to cheat on their spouses.
The New York Times, by the way, couldn't resist New York Times-ing this story.
"Lawyers News Conference Four Seasons, Philadelphia. 11:00 a.m.," President Trump tweeted Saturday morning, before issuing a corrective and explaining that he did not mean the luxury downtown hotel near the city's convention center and was referring instead to a business called Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
The correction quickly met with derision and glee among many blue-checkmark Twitter users, who assumed the campaign had accidentally booked the wrong venue.
Yes, liberal elite “blue-checkmark" Twitter just assumed the president's scuzzy lawyer would hold a major press conference at the “luxury downtown hotel" and not some place local kids might play stickball. Still, it was the perfect setting for Giuliani's deranged nonsense.
press conference is going great 👍 https://t.co/jxZJXzJPZ4— chris (@chris)1604771049.0
The Times continued to take the Trump campaign at face value, because there is no limit to how many bananas you can place in its tailpipe.
The landscaping business, after all, was situated near a porn shop, Fantasy Island Adult Bookstore, and a crematorium.
Yes, it was! This was a mistake, guys. Booking the wrong Four Seasons location was like when Trump won the GOP primary. Republicans couldn't admit how badly they'd fucked up so they double-downed. C'mon, man! There was a crematorium across the street for maximum irony, and down the block was a city prison, which houses people more respectable than Trump's associates.
In reality, the mistake was not in the booking, but in a garbled game of telephone. Mr. Giuliani and the Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski told the president on Saturday morning their intended location for the news conference and he misunderstood, assuming it was an upscale hotel, according to multiple people familiar with the matter.
Everyone on this phone call is a moron.
The spin here is that the Trump campaign wanted a “friendly" location for the press conference. This had been a challenge in Philly all week, which might indicate why, in the real world, Joe Biden won Pennsylvania.
Earlier this week, Pam Bondi, the former attorney general of Florida, and Mr. Lewandowski attempted to hold a celebratory news conference after obtaining a favorable court order in Pennsylvania. But a local D.J. blasting Beyoncé completely overpowered Ms. Bondi, who was forced to simply hold up the order as most of the media gathered nearby could not hear her speaking.
The power of Beyoncé compels them to silence! Look, if the friendliest spot for your anti-democracy press conference is next door to a sex shop, maybe you're not winning the state?
When they inevitably make a movie about this specific incident, we'll likely learn more about the American hero and lover of comedy who booked the venue without at any point asking, “Are you sure you don't want the hotel?"
Four Seasons Total Landscaping wants in on this merch bonanza. https://t.co/1HR2gc0Tjg— Ryan J. Reilly (@Ryan J. Reilly)1604852121.0
Because this is America, Four Seasons Total Landscaping has started selling merchandise to capitalize on its sudden, inadvertent fame. Make you're at the right website when ordering a “lawn and order" T-shirt, so you don't wind up booking the Four Seasons Hotel's skyline corner suite.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).