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The Pat Robertson-Approved 12 Steps To Not Being Gay

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Celebrity demon hunter and professional old nag Pat Robertson has some ideas about what to do about the gay. Surprise: it's ex-gay rehab!


On a recent edition of his teevee show "Christian Persecution Daily," Pat answered a letter from a distraught mother whose family has been afflicted with demons. Poor "Ann" has suffered one blow after another: first her son came out to her as a gay, and not long after, as an atheist! She's come to Pat beseeching his sage advice for how she can get him back on the straight and narrow, down on his knees servicing a shirtless Middle Eastern man.

And wouldn't you know it? Pat does have advice: treat your gay son like he's a drug addict.

Don't enable his addiction. He isn't really gay, he's just addicted to the sweet allure of mansex.

Pat really hit the nail on the head with this one. Your Volpe is an Ex-Gay himself. No it's true! He finally saw the light after one too many sinful nights of late night scrolls through Grindr seeing nothing but shirtless torsos stolen from Instagram, and ending with frustration after the third meathead of the night admitted he wasn't interested in drinking boxed wine and watching Golden Girls. (Seriously, what is wrong with those people?) Your correspondent joined the Ex-Gay movement not long after and got himself fixed up but good, thanks to the very nice folks over at Christians Overcoming with Christly Konvictions. Your correspondent has decided to share with you his testimony, and divulge the secrets to finally exorcising all that faggotry right out of your system:

The 12 Steps of Overcoming Your Gayness

  1. Admit that you are powerless to an unrelenting parental force. Your mother watches Pat Robertson for God's sake. Did you really think this was going to end well?
  2. Believe that there is a higher power for vagina sex than there is for butt sex. Why that higher power is so obsessed with where you put your dirty monkey bits is none of your business.
  3. Remove the David Beckham poster from your bedroom wall. Now remove the one from your bathroom wall. While we're at it, just cut David Beckham out of your life altogether. Only gays and Europeans watch soccer.
  4. Learn to cook, and not some girly food like brioche or soy, but a strapping, manly food like ham biscuits. Your future wife will thank you.
  5. In your day-to-day life, only go in and out through the entrance doors. Don't be tempted by the allure of the one marked "Exit Only."
  6. Back-sliding is inevitable but it's critical to keep righteousness in your heart. If you find yourself struggling with temptation, work out a danger scale from zero to "ooh gurl" to assess the temptation level of various slices of beefcake.
  7. Throw out any movies that could contain men who might show even the slightest hint of skin, even if it's Biblical. Oh wait, sorry, that's an actual thing gay conversion therapists say to do. Uhhh, something something dick joke. Whew, nailed it.
  8. Make amends to all the queens you've thrown shade in the past. It's not their fault their hair is so cheap they should have kept the receipt.
  9. Bash a pillow with a tennis racket while screaming "MOM MOM MOM." That's something straight men do, right?

  10. Take up a big manly sport to butch yourself up. Baseball seems to yield good results. If it worked for these two Aryan Youth it must work for you.
  11. To make sure you stick to your path of militant sinlessness, start a successful career in Congress! Just don't do anything too obvious like deck your office out like a Dowager Countess, hire a hunky photographer, and then resign in disgrace the minute someone takes a gander at your credit card bills. Seriously, what the hell was that?
  12. Clear out some extra space in your closet. Trust me, you're gonna need it.

And that's it! Follow these steps and you are well on your way to a lonely, desperate life of celibacy and self-loathing, but it's okay because you'll be rewarded after you die. Hmm...on second thought, does anybody have any boxed wine?

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[Right Wing Watch via Towleroad / World Net Daily / Peterson Toscano]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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