The Pat Robertson-Approved 12 Steps To Not Being Gay
Celebrity demon hunter and professional old nag Pat Robertson has some ideas about what to do about the gay. Surprise: it's ex-gay rehab!
On a recent edition of his teevee show "Christian Persecution Daily," Pat answered a letter from a distraught mother whose family has been afflicted with demons. Poor "Ann" has suffered one blow after another: first her son came out to her as a gay, and not long after, as an atheist! She's come to Pat beseeching his sage advice for how she can get him back on the straight and narrow, down on his knees servicing a shirtless Middle Eastern man.
And wouldn't you know it? Pat does have advice: treat your gay son like he's a drug addict.
Don't enable his addiction. He isn't really gay, he's just addicted to the sweet allure of mansex.
Pat really hit the nail on the head with this one. Your Volpe is an Ex-Gay himself. No it's true! He finally saw the light after one too many sinful nights of late night scrolls through Grindr seeing nothing but shirtless torsos stolen from Instagram, and ending with frustration after the third meathead of the night admitted he wasn't interested in drinking boxed wine and watching Golden Girls. (Seriously, what is wrong with those people?) Your correspondent joined the Ex-Gay movement not long after and got himself fixed up but good, thanks to the very nice folks over at Christians Overcoming with Christly Konvictions. Your correspondent has decided to share with you his testimony, and divulge the secrets to finally exorcising all that faggotry right out of your system:
The 12 Steps of Overcoming Your Gayness
- Admit that you are powerless to an unrelenting parental force. Your mother watches Pat Robertson for God's sake. Did you really think this was going to end well?
- Believe that there is a higher power for vagina sex than there is for butt sex. Why that higher power is so obsessed with where you put your dirty monkey bits is none of your business.
- Remove the David Beckham poster from your bedroom wall. Now remove the one from your bathroom wall. While we're at it, just cut David Beckham out of your life altogether. Only gays and Europeans watch soccer.
- Learn to cook, and not some girly food like brioche or soy, but a strapping, manly food like ham biscuits. Your future wife will thank you.
- In your day-to-day life, only go in and out through the entrance doors. Don't be tempted by the allure of the one marked "Exit Only."
- Back-sliding is inevitable but it's critical to keep righteousness in your heart. If you find yourself struggling with temptation, work out a danger scale from zero to "ooh gurl" to assess the temptation level of various slices of beefcake.
- Throw out any movies that could contain men who might show even the slightest hint of skin, even if it's Biblical. Oh wait, sorry, that's an actual thing gay conversion therapists say to do. Uhhh, something something dick joke. Whew, nailed it.
- Make amends to all the queens you've thrown shade in the past. It's not their fault their hair is so cheap they should have kept the receipt.
- Bash a pillow with a tennis racket while screaming "MOM MOM MOM." That's something straight men do, right?
- Take up a big manly sport to butch yourself up. Baseball seems to yield good results. If it worked for these two Aryan Youth it must work for you.
- To make sure you stick to your path of militant sinlessness, start a successful career in Congress! Just don't do anything too obvious like deck your office out like a Dowager Countess, hire a hunky photographer, and then resign in disgrace the minute someone takes a gander at your credit card bills. Seriously, what the hell was that?
- Clear out some extra space in your closet. Trust me, you're gonna need it.
And that's it! Follow these steps and you are well on your way to a lonely, desperate life of celibacy and self-loathing, but it's okay because you'll be rewarded after you die. Hmm...on second thought, does anybody have any boxed wine?