The Proud Boys Are Looking For Love And Want To Know Your Bra Size
Are you a lady who is single and looking to mingle with ... uh, violent, racist right-wing yahoos? Probably not, if you're here. But if you are, the Proud Boys are looking for a few good women to "repopulate the west" with. By which they mean they want you to bear their children. Which would involve having sex with one of them. Like, on purpose.
According to their website (which we are not linking, but here's an archived snapshot so you know we're not fibbing), real human women are constantly asking them to set up a dating site so that they may find the Proud Boy of their dreams. I'd like to think that this was something they made up, that these are all potential Canadian girlfriends, but women are just as capable of being terrible as men are. Equality!
We've been asked by many women to start a Proud Boys dating site. If you are one of these women and would like to meet Proud Boys in your area, fill out the form below and your information will be sent to a chapter close to you. Send nudes, boring pics or any other information to email@example.com and it will be forwarded with your info.
Antifa women, you are welcome to request a date as long as you have a vagina and have had it your entire life. Please shave and shower before coming to see us.
Ew. But also — have you seen those dudes? They look scuzzy as hell. How would they even be able to tell if someone hadn't showered?
The form you can fill out has the usual spaces for name, email, location, etc., but then goes on to ask prospective "Proud Girls" to rate themselves from 1-10 (as we all do) and divulge their bra size and the amount of alcohol and drugs they can consume.
Again, have you seen these guys? Really? They think they have room to be picky about looks and, uh, bra size?
The question about drugs and alcohol has a particularly large space for an answer, likely owing to the fact that anyone who would date a Proud Boy would probably need to be able to consume excessive amounts of both of those things.
Should you be chosen for the breeding program by one of your local Proud Boys (from the field of ... probably zero other applicants), you can likely look forward to raising your Proud Brood alone while your husband is in prison for assault, relying on money from strangers. Not money from your own job that you have, mind you, because they like to "venerate the housewife" and don't like it when women work. Even if that doesn't happen, it's quite likely your newfound love will lose their job after videos of them assaulting protesters and being otherwise terrible surface on the internet.
But hey! Surely it will all be worth it for the honor of being with a racist twerp who goes out in public with his friends wearing matching outfits and talking about how super great Donald Trump is. I guess?
Call me crazy, but I think I'd rather stay single.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse