The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: General Palin's General Orders

She may not be a brilliant grand strategist like Metternich O'Reilly, but Sarah Palin is more than comfortable playing armchair field marshall. There's some really great stuff in here, and it totally won't want to make you want to shove knitting needles in your eardrums. Let's listen, and then go smash something beautiful!


Where should we begin, dear Wonketeers? Did you like the part where Palin offered no actual solution? Did you enjoy the proper (!)(?) use of the term "buffalo" as a verb? How about her insistence that ya just can't tell a good Mooslim from a bad Mooslim around the 3:30 mark?

Our favorite part was Palin's insistence that she's a "realist," followed by her admission that it's a "legitimate debate" as to whether or not ISIS constitutes a threat to the United States. We liked that part, and we really liked what Palin said we should do if and when we determine that ISIS is something that needs to be squared away, bombing-wise.

If we do decide that ISIS is a direct threat to our security, then of course we must go in -- we must defeat them over there. But we have to be in it to win it!

We have not dusted off our copy in many years, but we are reasonably certain that "Be In It To Win It" is the title of the third chapter of Clausewitz's On War. Please, General Palin, continue issuing your orders.

Please Mr. President listen to America on this. It means we go in with overwhelming, United States of America force, the red, white, and blue, we punch hard.

You may be under the impression that earlier in the video, Palin mocked Obama for following poll-driven public opinion, rather than displaying Real Leadership. You may also be shocked that Palin actually said "the red, white, and blue" without also insisting that "these colors don't run." If you are under either of those impressions, you are probably a brainwashed Dummycrat who believes whatever MSDNC tells you.

General Palin went on to describe a strategy that sounds like an awesome exit strategy, except for the part where we don't ever really exit, but still -- strategy!

We defeat them, and then we get out. Only this time, let's listen to those on the ground, top brass of military, the experts, who are saying, mmm, we do need a residual force, staying there to make sure this doesn't happen again.

How would we both "get out" and also leave behind a "residual force, staying there?" Jeez, you Dumbocraps just don't get it, do you? That you could even ask such a question shows the depth of your contempt for the military. General Palin, if you would, please, summarize the tactical situation for all these loser libruls.

For now, the tragedy is that our President just doesn't get it. For more than six years he's appeased jihadists, and now the Middle East is in flames. He's been weak, our President is weak, and again and again he shows this. Thirteen years after 9/11, the jihadists are stronger than they've ever been.

Thank you, General Palin, for reminding America that everything was just fine in the Middle East until King Putt showed up with his limp wrists and his dad jeans, and no, all those drone strikes in Yemen and that one thingy in Abbottabad don't count, so stop bringing them up.

Geopolitically speaking, Sarah Palin is that person you play RISK with who cannot understand how she keeps losing the Ukraine. We remind you once again that the senior Senator from Arizona, an entire American political party, and 60 million of your fellow citizens once saw fit to put Sarah Palin one septuagenarian heartbeat away from the nuclear codes.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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