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Touch of context for those who are new to this series: a Wonkette commenter named Fartknocker ponied up the cash for us to get a subscription to Sarah Palin's Internet Teevee Channel. The aim of this series is to allow the Wonketariat to snicker at Palin's new thingy without ever exposing yrselves to the harmful gamma radiation emitted by the Sarah Palin Channel. You are welcome.


On this week's Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, our heroine cooks up some down-home griftin', served in a skillet with a wedge of lemon and a big pat of butter. We're in Sarah's kitchen because she has a dinner guest, and the guest is Joel Pollak, the editor-in-chief of Still Dead Andrew Breitbart's Word Factory For The Dim And Uninteresting. Joel is here to talk about his new book, Wacko Birds: The Fall (and Rise) of the Tea Party, a book that is "a must-read for commonsense conservatives and patriots of all parties," according to Sarah Palin's blurb on the dust jacket.

Palin informs us that part of their meal is "halibut that Willow caught down in Homer -- she had to club it" (wouldn't a big serving of pollock have been perfect?), and then she and Pollak engage in a wide-ranging conversation that includes this fun look at What The Kids Are Doing.

Joel Pollak: ...when you look at how Barack Obama emerged, he kind of emerged simultaneously with Facebook, and he was a Facebook candidate. They crowd-sourced the Obama campaign, in a sense -- he was whatever Facebook users wanted him to be.

Sarah Palin and mother Sarah Heath (off-camera): Oh, yeah that's right, mm-hmm.

Joel Pollak (cont.): People could sort of fill that blank space. Today on the radio, they were talking about Snapchat, this new social media thing where you can send someone a picture and then it gets erased after a few seconds.[...] and NPR was trying to explain to its audience what this company does, because they know that everybody over 21 doesn't know what this is.[...] See, you could almost say that Hillary Clinton will be a Snapchat candidate, because she wants to make her past disappear!

Sarah Palin: Oh sure! Oh man, that's gonna make a good sound bite, right there, too. Okay! That's good!

The title of Pollak's book is a reference to Senator Walnuts' criticism of the Tea Party, and you can almost see the hackles rising underneath Palin's Bumpit when the conversation briefly touches on her former running mate. "I'm not even gonna ask you where you got the term 'wacko birds,'" Palin says while rolling her eyes, because Sarah Palin will be dead in the rapidly melting permafrost before she misses a chance to remind people of that time when John McCain fucked up her chance at being Vice President.

Pollak blah-blah-blahs for a while about why everyone should buy his book, BORING. Sarah waits her turn, and then talks about how it "baffles" her that those in party leadership, "the machine," would ever push back against some of the Tea Party's "common sense" demands. At this point, we actually traveled back in time to our 11th-grade English class, where we found ourselves raising our hand. Our teacher called on us, and we said that perhaps the narrator's own experiences with party leadership parallel what she's saying about the Tea Party right now, and our English teacher patted us on the pointiest part of our head. Pollak agrees wholeheartedly with Palin, in part because dinner is almost ready and he is so very hungry.

Just before dinner is served there's also this moment, which has no parallel in Palin's own experience with Katie Couric.

Palin: Yeah, but those comin' out, I think, Penelope Cruz and them, it's -- they don't know what they're talkin' about, and you can read that into their statements. Ya haven't...ya haven't studied up, girl.

And then dinner is on the table, come 'n git it! First Dude Todd has tucked in his t-shirt, because the Palins have company and how many times are he and Sarah going to have this conversation, hmm? Our video closes with the family praying before their meal, which we imagine was both delicious and exhausting.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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