The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker

When the Grifter Queen of The Last Frontier announced the creation of her own website/TV channel, we laughed along with the rest of you. "It's just a way to make a quick buck, and she'll probably quit halfway through, haw haw haw," we larfed to ourselves. But it's been a week, and she hasn't quit yet, and one Wonketeer donated enough money -- real American dollars -- for a year's subscription and a bonus Ulysses S. Grant to dull the pain of whichever sap got stuck watching, for you.

Ready to roll, sister Sarah?

Okay! We begin with Palin's paean to the great outdoors, in which she sounds more than a little bit like a certain tyrannical moocher in the White House.

I encourage you to get outdoors, spend time with family outdoors, movin'!

No, Sarah Palin did not just say "Let's Move!" because that would be tyranny. In fact, she's already spoken on the record about how Michelle's Obama's anti-obesity campaign is nothing more than fitness fascism.

Instead of a government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us according to some politician or politician's wife's priorities, just leave us alone, get off our back, and allow us as individuals to exercise our own God-given rights to make our own decisions and then our country gets back on the right track.

But, to be fair, that's not rank hypocrisy because Sarah Palin isn't actually a politician. Not any more. Because she quit, remember?

Moving on, Sarah has some thoughts about an Alaska ballot measure, Proposition 1. She's fer it! Here's what she takes 18 minutes to say.

"Vote yes. That way, we say yes!"

The minutiae of Palin's video on Proposition 1 is pretty impenetrable unless you've spent the last 30 years on a rig in Prudhoe Bay, but it did include this map of the United States just prior to the Alaska Purchase. We were unaware that Peru once controlled such a large section of the Pacific Northwest.

Maybe Sarah's right about that "invasion" of scary brown people after all. They have clearly already infiltrated our textbooks. Or maybe they're Time Lords, like Sarah Palin herself? Listen as she derpsplains why we need to INPEECH in her version of an Ask Me Anything. See if you can catch Palin getting tripped up by the kind of logical inconsistency that plagues so many time traveling tales.

"When we get to send a message to Obama -- and you know my position on how do we send the message, we begin the process of impeachment -- once that message is sent, then that is a clear message to be received by his predecessors, so that any future President will know we're not going to put up with it, we the people are not going to put up with imperial presidencies."

Did you catch it? We put it in bold for you, so you could catch it.

There are several other inconsistencies in Sarah's first week of TV-channeling, and like Ash and Pikachu, we've gotta catch 'em all. And even though she is not a big-city lawyer, Sarah felt the need to weigh in on the fact that former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura won a $1.8 million judgment in his defamation lawsuit against the estate of deceased Navy SEAL Chris Kyle. Sarah was none too pleased about the way The Body went about his business.

"I'm not gonna make it personal, but a lot of us go through a lot of things about what people say about us, and we don't go runnin' to the lawyers and the courthouse, whinin' and cryin' that our reputation was hurt."

Yr Wonkette would like to remind the former Governor of a letter drafted by her family's lawyer three years ago, in which Palin threatened to sue a division of Random House "for knowingly publishing false statements" in a book by her one-time neighbor Joe McGinnis. But that was different, because, as Palin remarks in the same video, Ventura is "known for mouthin' off" and Chris Kyle is a goddamn American hero and therefore enjoys immunity from libel laws.

Is there more? Holy crap, there is SO MUCH MORE, you guys. In our next installment, we'll talk about Sarah's views on the minimum wage, the crisis on the border, and the keys to a happy marriage. Aren't you excited?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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