Greetings to all you salacious sodomite sinners! Once again we are proud to present your weekly compilation of the latest and greatest in news of the supernatural, the supernormal, and the superdumb. It's the Snake Oil Bulletin!

No doubt you deviants are plum tuckered out from all the rampant gay butthumping and church burnin' you've been doing since the Legion of Doom changed our nation's name to New West Sodom, but it's time to hike up your girdles, slide into some fresh fishnets, and prepare yourselves to enter the realm of the mystical, macabre, and gross. Girl, you got this. Let's dive right in.

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Ex-Gay Quacks Get their Freshly Lubed Asses Handed to Them

In the wake of the landmark Supreme Court ruling that finally gave so many gay people across this country the dignity of civil marriage, it's nice to know that even long-forgotten regressives are still out there still kicking the old fuck-you-faggots ball. This week the ex-gays are back in the news, and boy are they feeling butthurt.

JONAH -- which officially stands for Jews Offering New Alternatives for Healing but which we're pretty sure actually stands for Jumped-up Oily Nutsacks Angling for Hatefucks -- lost a major civil case in New Jersey this week in the wake of the state's new "Jesus Christ stop treating gays like goddamn lepers already" law. JONAH was rather infamous on the ex-gay circuit for not only practicing all the ex-gay nonsense that their gentile brethren love to shove down innocent kids' throats, but for having the added fun-time happy bonuses of being run by a convicted Wall Street con artist and for a sexual assault and molestation racket they were running on the side. Whee!

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If that weren't enough, just this week a New Jersey jury unanimously found that JONAH had committed fraud by promising its clients that they could change them from gay to straight:

In 2012, six plaintiffs – four former JONAH clients and two of their parents – filed a lawsuit against JONAH, alleging that the group misrepresented homosexuality as a changeable mental disorder, advertised a strong gay-to-straight success rate, and assured the young men that after two to four years in the therapy, they’d be heterosexual.

Isn't that convenient? You can rewire your entire sexual identity in the same time it would take to get your associate's degree at University of Phoenix! We despise them for their practice, but how can you say no to a deal like that?

The testimonies from the JONAH survivors (is there any other word for the kids who were forced to senselessly beat a pillow they had been told represented their own mothers?) are pretty raw, and you can get a glimpse of a few of them here and here. Not only did one of JONAH's counselors "life coaches," Alan Downing (shocker: he isn't licensed to counsel), tell a teenager to get naked and "grasp his masculinity," if you get what we mean, in front of a mirror while Downing watched, but two years after the kid left JONAH, Downing later stole shirtless pictures of the teen off his Facebook account to keep in his client folder, no doubt for the kind of "research" that involves a tube of Gold Bond and a belt. Buuhhhh.

JONAH has been ordered to pay over $72,000 in restitution as well as the plaintiffs' millions of dollars in legal fees (did we mention this lawsuit has been going on for THREE YEARS?). Thankfully these JONAH fucks got their tuchuses handed to them, so at least they'll think twice before plying their snake oil again. Or at least they'll think about it right up until the next scandal no doubt whizzing down the pipe.

The best news is that now all these pervy JONAH closet cases (who all admit they still have "same-sex attractions") can go get married to each other and leave the rest of us the hell alone. We'd offer them a hand in getting their big gay weddings together, butt fuck it.

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Witches Cast A +5 Indignity Spell At Etsy

In other news of religious persecution, you may have noticed that your crystal ball has been especially murky as of late, and we have the answer! There is a usurper in the magical realm! Etsy has declared itself an ENEMY of the Mother Goddess this week after it banned the sale of spells on its website. Just to reiterate: these crafting monstrosities below are free to see the light of day, but funny words said over a candle go TOO FAR.

We didn't think it was possible for our entire skin to turn into a single giant goosebump.

Apparently this brouhaha over brujas came about when Etsy changed its policies concerning magic a few weeks back. They'd previously declared that spells and incantations could be sold through the site so long as the spell didn't guarantee results (easy with a simple disclaimer) and offered at least something tangible in the transaction. That "something tangible" was nebulous already, so a lot of people would just send digital of pictures of the wizard in question doing the spell. For years this allowed perfectly innocent charlatans to send magical incantations to well-meaning reporters and teenagers with a burning desire for Alejandro in third period to notice them (take our word for it, ladies: no magic can tame Alejandro).

However, some time in June, Etsy changed their policy guidelines and kinda neglected to tell anybody about it, specifically adding this line about spells: “any metaphysical service that promises or suggests it will effect a physical change (e.g., weight loss) or other outcome (e.g., love, revenge) is not allowed, even if it delivers a tangible item.”

The problem is that rather than tell anybody of the change, Etsy decided the best way to handle the new policy was to just shut down stores who were in violation without giving any kind of heads-up. They didn't even send an eviction notice decoupaged onto a doily of human hair or nothin'! So un-vintage.

The Witches have taken to the forums to rally their forces, as all good social justice movements do, and are alleging religious discrimination on the part of Etsy, which apparently took the action so it would look good to investors now that the company has gone public. Don't look into all the Chinese re-sellers hawking knock-off Disney merch; chase after those witches. I guess no one told our pointy-hatted heroines that RELIGIOUS FREEDOM IS DEAD according to Christians so they're just gonna have to live with the consequences of Obama's War on God(desses).

While we wish the witches well in their war on woo-hate, the real takeaway from this story is that it reminded your correspondent how much he misses Regretsy. NEVER FORGETSY.

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Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

[Identities.Mic / / Truth Wins Out / Daily Dot]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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