The Snake Oil Bulletin: Beat Your Meat with Some Slap Therapy!

The last time we saw that many people beating their meat at the same time, we had to prove we were over 18 first. If the sight of dozens of people ritually spanking themselves or shoving their faces into walls until they topple over is upsetting to you, then perhaps the doo wop boogie beat will assuage your fears. Look how much fun these people are having, smashing their backs against brick walls until they produce a beautiful kaleidescope of bruises like this:

Or this wondrous mural spread across the leg of this 13-year-old diabetic:

Or this tapestry of good health left upon the stomach of an 8-year-old with kidney disease:

We can just feel the healing, can't you? Or maybe that's our lunch.

If your concern goes out for these poor people who've allowed a quack to viciously beat them until they hemorrhage, never fear. As Mr. Xiao assures us, the color and severity of the bruises actually indicates the condition and severity of the toxins being expelled, so black, green, or purple bruises are actually a sign of GOOD health, doctors be fucking damned.

Mr. Xiao was fined $NT50,000 -- which sounds impressive until you convert to American money, where it's a bit over $1550 -- by the Taiwanese authorities in 2011 for claiming that diabetes could be treated with slapping alone, and that insulin was just a crutch for weak people addicted to Western medicine. We can only imagine the investigation that opened up when one of his diabetic patients freaking died four years later.

As a last farewell to Mr. Xiao and his kinky Fetlife game turned health clinic, we'll examine his advice for beating (heh) breast and uterine cancer. Would you guess it's just as horrible as his beliefs on everything else? Oh reader, you please us so.

Xiao believes that cancer is all a trick of your mind, and that breast cancer does not come from genetics or carcinogenic exposure, but rather comes from an unhappy marriage. Breast and uterine cancer are your body's way of punishing you for being a shitty wife.

No. Seriously:

In a video posted online he said: "Tumour problems where are they from? It's from nowhere but your heart or from your mind."

He claims that cancer is caused "when you are troubled, when your mind gets confused" and gives special seminars just for "women and women's problems such as breast cancer."

"I ask those ladies, because it's a ladies problem, you've got a tumour, cancer in your womb and then the question is... do you think they have married a man that they really love? If they are dearly loved and if the answer is yes then you will never have this kind of problems... The tumour in the womb or the breast, you would never have that normally. It's always from your heart you get confused you get frustrated you get troubled."

If after that little gem our readers are in the mood to administer some slap therapy upside Mr. Xiao's head, just remember that black and purple bruises are the healthiest.

Scam Artist Homeopath Not Allowed To Kill Kids For 5 Whole Years

A Sydney small business owner is UNDER ATTACK by the Australian court system, because they hate capitalism and free markets and America Australia and whatnot. Okay, sure, the business owner was a certified quack selling people tap water in a syringe and marketing it as a "homeopathic vaccine," but the free market has ways of sorting that out. Usually dead kids are just the ticket.

Fran Sheffield was the owner of Homeopathy Plus!, no doubt a subsidiary of Jeb! and Yahoo! It seems that for a few years now, Sheffield has been claiming on her website and blog that vaccination is ineffective and dangerous for children. Ever notice how anti-vaxxers simultaneously believe that vaccines are absolutely terrible at protecting from diseases, but are absolutely pinpoint accurate at giving people other diseases? It's kind of like how Obama is both a complete incompetent and a dictator par excellence in the Wingnut-o-Sphere.

Sheffield's argument was that whooping cough (pertussis) vaccines were actually quite dangerous for children, but she had a solution for parents who aren't so completely idiotic that they actually fetishize giving their children diseases.

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Presenting the homeopathic vaccine! All the fun of an injection with no messy "medicine" to get in the way. For years Sheffield insisted on her website that one of her homeopathic tap water concoctions was safer than a pertussis vaccine. To anyone with matter between their ears the medical term for this is "fucking nuts," because by definition a homeopathic solution is one in which the active ingredient has been so diluted that it's statistically impossible for there to even be any active ingredient at all.

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Years ago, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission took Sheffield to court over the claims on her website that homeopathic tap water was more effective at fighting whooping cough than a TDaP vaccine. Not only is it illegal under Australian lie to make such specious health claims in violation of federal medicines laws, but it's super duper illegal to not comply with multiple judges' orders to take the offending bullshit off your website. Because of failure to comply with a judge's order, Homeopathy Plus! is now out to the tune of some $138,000 AU (a touch over $10K U.S.), since Sheffield is also on the hook for paying all of the ACCC's legal fees.

The judge also slapped an extra doozy on the company, stating that its employees cannot sell any phony baloney "vaccine" products for five years because of the heinous chicanery going on with their business.

For their part, Homeopathy Plus! is still planning to challenge the decision, but as of now their business is not in any danger of falling through. The company continues to promote all manner of quackery on its blog and webpage, including claims that homeopathy can be used to treat lung cancer. Dearhearts, the only way your dihydrogen monoxide solution is helping your patients' lungs is if you plan to drown them with it.

And wouldn't you know it, Homeopathy Plus! still claims that it can "cure" autism, because of course it does. Fire up the suing machine, ACCC.

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

In related news of fakery and chicanery from the depths of your beloved vile little snark mob:

    • Turns out any old con artist can get on Fox News as an "expert" if they're white enough and old enough.
    • You know what this election cycle was missing: more incoherent babble spit! Say hello to your new Queen of Holy-Rollin' Mumble Mouth, Opal Covey!
    • Convicted con man Jim Bakker totally has proof that Planned Parenthood sacrifices innocent (white) Christian babbies to the Pagan Light God Lucifer, he just can't share that proof with you or he'd have to kill you.
    • Faith healing totally works, says man whose livelihood depends on your continued belief that faith healing works.
    • In our day, a baby born premature didn't need any fancy pants "doctors" or "hospitals." You could just plop him out, pray to Jebus for him to get better, and everything would be hunky dorey. 'Course he usually died durin', but that just toughens 'im up, dontcha know?
    • Let's read some delightful children's fairy tales about Big Bad Gays eating little girls' grandmas, up.
    • Remember when the Democrats decided to be all boring and grown-up and stuff instead of going up on stage and flinging poo at each other like Real Americans do? Come see the drinking games your Wonkette concocted anyway, because somebody has to be the fun one here.

[Paida Lajin / Daily Mail / Oddity Central / BBCSydney Morning Herald / Homeopathy Plus!]


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