The Snake Oil Bulletin: Beat Your Meat with Some Slap Therapy!
Salutations, sinners, and welcome back once more to the Snake Oil Bulletin. This week, we're traveling to the Mystical Lands of the Orient. Ancient Chinese medicine has been used for millennia to do just about anything your lily white doctor-ascared heart desires, and this week's subject is no exception. Last week we briefly mentioned the mystical powers of Chinese "slap therapy" without spending much time on the intricate ways that beating your child until he passes out and dies can cure him of his diabetus.
Let's rectify that, shall we? First up on our agenda is a penetrating insight into the world of Chinese self-abuse known as paida lajin.
Holy Balls, "Slap Therapy" So Much More Insane Than We Thought
If you followed our little dog and pony show last week, you'd have been introduced to the world of slap therapy, led by one Mr. Hongchi Xiao. Slap therapy hit the news-o-sphere after participants in one of Xiao's slap therapy workshops forced their 7-year-old diabetic son to stop taking his insulin and fast for three days before taking him to one of Xiao's seminars in Australia, wherein his parents and Xiao beat him until he vomited, stopped breathing, and died in his hotel room. Parents of the year, it's true, but what is slap therapy and what kind of maniac belief system would recommend not taking life-saving medicine and instead opt for beating the diabetus out? Funny you should ask.
Slap therapy is the English name for what is known in the original Chinese as paida lajin or "slap stretching." The basic practice is a combination of the spiritual stretching practices of Hindu yoga with the kinky purification rituals of Catholic flagellation. Let's have the child killer himself define it:
Paida means slapping the body while lajin means stretching tendons.
The slapping and stretching methods help eliminate toxins and wastes from the body in an attempt to treat or cure illnesses.
After slapping parts of the body, patients could indicate what illnesses they have based on the colour of the bruising, which is known as a poisonous blood or toxic waste called 'Sha'.
The Sha itself also shows the body has started the reduction of body endotoxin and the treatment...
Some people will have red Sha first, and after more Paida [slapping], the colour will turn dark purple or even into dark masses.
If that made no sense to you, congratulations! You don't live in a world that still believes in bloodletting.
Sha is a nebulous substance in Chinese folklore that basically equates to the concept of "bad blood" from the Medieval west. Believers think that blood becomes infected with "toxins," these toxins gunk up the meridians of our chi energy pathways, and this clogging of the meridians is what leads to disease, because FUCK germ theory. Xiao claims that by unclogging these meridians, practitioners of his technique can cure themselves of "colds, body pains, Alzheimer's, strokes, paralysis, kidney failure and even cancer and autism." If talk of meridians sounds familiar, it's because meridians factor into the ancient Chinese schools of reflexology and acupuncture, which in turns leads well-meaning hippies to strap onions to their feet in order to pull bad juju out of their spleens. Everything in this Wide World of Woo is connected.
Paida lajin is the sole brain child of Mr. Xiao, though he claims he was taught the technique from Buddhist and Taoist monks. A lowly investment banker by trade, Xiao claims to have received incredible insight into the body's natural healing energy by studying under these wise sages, not one of whom has ever been identified or made available for comment. What a shame.
Xiao argues that by beating the body until it bruises, bad blood is expelled from the meridians:
"The slapping and stretching work together to clear the meridians of blocks and help the body get rid of disease," he told The Hindu newspaper last month.
How the hell the blood is expelled when it never leaves the body is anyone's guess. The idea of bursting blood vessels to expel blood toxins is rather like if a sewage treatment plant decided to clean all the poo out of its waterways by breaking all the pipes. Oh well, let's see what else Xiao thinks about medicine that isn't his personal cash cow. Would you believe that a man paid some $1800 per person per workshop has a vested interested in his followers not going to other doctors? The fuck you say? It's true! Let's have a gander at some of Xiao's beliefs about that nasty old "evidence-based" Western medicine:
"It's called concentrated pollution, targeted pollution... Its poison, we poison ourselves by paying money," he claims.
In the 48 minute-long video, Xiao shows how he "diagnosis" [sic] people's illnesses by stretching their legs.
While using an American man with prostate problems to demonstrate his stretching mechanism, he claims: "I have treated 250 man [sic] with prostate problem, every single one of them has great success. How to judge them? Normally they get up at night at least four times - after doing this they get up one time."
I've treated all the men with prostate problems, and every single one has had great success. I'm an a amazing prostate doctor, one of the best if not THE best. You're not gonna believe the prostate problems I'll heal. Vote for m--oh sorry, reader. We got our quotes from Donald Trump mixed in by mistake.
The master kid-beater began his workshops in China, where the market for assorted ancient woos is in high demand, before progressing to Europe, Australia, and North America. Let's have a look at one of these self abuse workshops in Seattle, shall we?
The last time we saw that many people beating their meat at the same time, we had to prove we were over 18 first. If the sight of dozens of people ritually spanking themselves or shoving their faces into walls until they topple over is upsetting to you, then perhaps the doo wop boogie beat will assuage your fears. Look how much fun these people are having, smashing their backs against brick walls until they produce a beautiful kaleidescope of bruises like this:
Or this wondrous mural spread across the leg of this 13-year-old diabetic:
Or this tapestry of good health left upon the stomach of an 8-year-old with kidney disease:
We can just feel the healing, can't you? Or maybe that's our lunch.
If your concern goes out for these poor people who've allowed a quack to viciously beat them until they hemorrhage, never fear. As Mr. Xiao assures us, the color and severity of the bruises actually indicates the condition and severity of the toxins being expelled, so black, green, or purple bruises are actually a sign of GOOD health, doctors be fucking damned.
Mr. Xiao was fined $NT50,000 -- which sounds impressive until you convert to American money, where it's a bit over $1550 -- by the Taiwanese authorities in 2011 for claiming that diabetes could be treated with slapping alone, and that insulin was just a crutch for weak people addicted to Western medicine. We can only imagine the investigation that opened up when one of his diabetic patients freaking died four years later.
As a last farewell to Mr. Xiao and his kinky Fetlife game turned health clinic, we'll examine his advice for beating (heh) breast and uterine cancer. Would you guess it's just as horrible as his beliefs on everything else? Oh reader, you please us so.
Xiao believes that cancer is all a trick of your mind, and that breast cancer does not come from genetics or carcinogenic exposure, but rather comes from an unhappy marriage. Breast and uterine cancer are your body's way of punishing you for being a shitty wife.
In a video posted online he said: "Tumour problems where are they from? It's from nowhere but your heart or from your mind."
He claims that cancer is caused "when you are troubled, when your mind gets confused" and gives special seminars just for "women and women's problems such as breast cancer."
"I ask those ladies, because it's a ladies problem, you've got a tumour, cancer in your womb and then the question is... do you think they have married a man that they really love? If they are dearly loved and if the answer is yes then you will never have this kind of problems... The tumour in the womb or the breast, you would never have that normally. It's always from your heart you get confused you get frustrated you get troubled."
If after that little gem our readers are in the mood to administer some slap therapy upside Mr. Xiao's head, just remember that black and purple bruises are the healthiest.
Scam Artist Homeopath Not Allowed To Kill Kids For 5 Whole Years
A Sydney small business owner is UNDER ATTACK by the Australian court system, because they hate capitalism and free markets and
America Australia and whatnot. Okay, sure, the business owner was a certified quack selling people tap water in a syringe and marketing it as a "homeopathic vaccine," but the free market has ways of sorting that out. Usually dead kids are just the ticket.
Fran Sheffield was the owner of Homeopathy Plus!, no doubt a subsidiary of Jeb! and Yahoo! It seems that for a few years now, Sheffield has been claiming on her website and blog that vaccination is ineffective and dangerous for children. Ever notice how anti-vaxxers simultaneously believe that vaccines are absolutely terrible at protecting from diseases, but are absolutely pinpoint accurate at giving people other diseases? It's kind of like how Obama is both a complete incompetent and a dictator par excellence in the Wingnut-o-Sphere.
Sheffield's argument was that whooping cough (pertussis) vaccines were actually quite dangerous for children, but she had a solution for parents who aren't so completely idiotic that they actually fetishize giving their children diseases.
Presenting the homeopathic vaccine! All the fun of an injection with no messy "medicine" to get in the way. For years Sheffield insisted on her website that one of her homeopathic tap water concoctions was safer than a pertussis vaccine. To anyone with matter between their ears the medical term for this is "fucking nuts," because by definition a homeopathic solution is one in which the active ingredient has been so diluted that it's statistically impossible for there to even be any active ingredient at all.
Years ago, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission took Sheffield to court over the claims on her website that homeopathic tap water was more effective at fighting whooping cough than a TDaP vaccine. Not only is it illegal under Australian lie to make such specious health claims in violation of federal medicines laws, but it's super duper illegal to not comply with multiple judges' orders to take the offending bullshit off your website. Because of failure to comply with a judge's order, Homeopathy Plus! is now out to the tune of some $138,000 AU (a touch over $10K U.S.), since Sheffield is also on the hook for paying all of the ACCC's legal fees.
The judge also slapped an extra doozy on the company, stating that its employees cannot sell any phony baloney "vaccine" products for five years because of the heinous chicanery going on with their business.
For their part, Homeopathy Plus! is still planning to challenge the decision, but as of now their business is not in any danger of falling through. The company continues to promote all manner of quackery on its blog and webpage, including claims that homeopathy can be used to treat lung cancer. Dearhearts, the only way your dihydrogen monoxide solution is helping your patients' lungs is if you plan to drown them with it.
And wouldn't you know it, Homeopathy Plus! still claims that it can "cure" autism, because of course it does. Fire up the suing machine, ACCC.
Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum
In related news of fakery and chicanery from the depths of your beloved vile little snark mob:
- Turns out any old con artist can get on Fox News as an "expert" if they're white enough and old enough.
- You know what this election cycle was missing: more incoherent babble spit! Say hello to your new Queen of Holy-Rollin' Mumble Mouth, Opal Covey!
- Convicted con man Jim Bakker totally has proof that Planned Parenthood sacrifices innocent (white) Christian babbies to the Pagan Light God Lucifer, he just can't share that proof with you or he'd have to kill you.
- Faith healing totally works, says man whose livelihood depends on your continued belief that faith healing works.
- In our day, a baby born premature didn't need any fancy pants "doctors" or "hospitals." You could just plop him out, pray to Jebus for him to get better, and everything would be hunky dorey. 'Course he usually died durin', but that just toughens 'im up, dontcha know?
- Let's read some delightful children's fairy tales about Big Bad Gays eating little girls' grandmas out...er, up.
- Remember when the Democrats decided to be all boring and grown-up and stuff instead of going up on stage and flinging poo at each other like Real Americans do? Come see the drinking games your Wonkette concocted anyway, because somebody has to be the fun one here.