The Snake Oil Bulletin: 'Health Rangers,' Please Don't Put GMO Scientists On Your 'Kill Lists'
Are you suffering from a poor case of chin cough, milk leg, or St. Anthony's Fire? Well step right up hyah! Your Wonkette proudly presents to you, at only a modest fee, the Snake Oil Bulletin, your premier source for news on the world of woo, pseudoscience, and general bunkum! We have much to cover (and so many brain cells to kill), so let's hop right in to it.
The 'Health Ranger' Who Would Be Alex Jones
First up on our cavalcade of quackery we profile Mike Adams, self-proclaimed "Health Ranger" (our favorite Power Ranger was the Tyrannosaurus, but this one will do), and founder of Natural News, the internet's number one source for "natural health news," if by that you mean the latest in chemtrail weather reports. You've probably seen his particular brand of nonsense being shared on Facebook by your cousin that no one else in the family speaks to but on whom you still keep tabs just in case you ever need to be a witness in an FBI investigation.
Mr. Adams is a busy fellow indeed. His particular psychosis is difficult to pinpoint as he seems to believe in just about every conspiracy that has ever been hatched. He denies HIV leads to AIDS, believes vaccines and chemtrails are a government mind-control plot (with the YouTube videos to prove it!), and knows for sure that the UN is just cold stealing people's houses and food away, like Carmen Sandiego or some shit. He is a firm believer in the second amendment, and is totally cool with arming school teachers and children. Now you may be saying, "Volpe, you're so incredibly handsome, but isn't it a little dangerous having guns in schools, what with school shootings kind of being a thing?" Why thank you, dear reader, I try to work out, but you would be pleased to know that it is not in fact dangerous to have guns in schools, because brilliant Mike Adams and his investigative team have proven that Sandy Hook was a hoax. Whew! That's a load off our minds. Now let's arm those kiddies to the teeth and play a little game we like to call High Stakes Dodgeball.
Mike caused a bit of a stir last year by pulling the biggest Godwin since that Austrian dude failed out of art school (what was his name again?). In an article attacking GMO food products (a particular bug in Mike's craw, probably because he can't get any sponsors to sell them in his store), Mike explicitly compared Monsanto scientists to Nazis. Not even as a metaphor; he point-blank referred to them as modern day Nazis who produced the Zyklon B compound used in the gas chambers. Not only that, he picked no bones in his original article that anti-GMO activists should maybe sorta hunt down and kill GMO scientists, allegedly. Naturally Mike wouldn't be the one to do it, but it sure wouldn't be surprising if someone did, hint hint. To the shock of no one, Mike then updated his article with a link to a website that contained the names of several prominent GMO scientists and journalists who have been sympathetic to basic scientific literacy. Now to a layman that might appear to be a kill list, but to Mike it was just evidence that people were listening and agreeing with what he had to say...right up until it was revealed that Mike was the guy who made and hosted the website. That's what made it a kill list. Suffice to say, the FBI was none too pleased, and as they continue to investigate there is the very real possibility that Mike will be brought up on felony charges of inciting violence. Something to look forward to in the new year!
With all this time exposing the truth and (allegedly) calling for (alleged) assassinations, it's hard to believe that Mike has any time left in the day to devote to all his tiny, little side projects. Doesn't a man need to make a living somehow? Well I'm sure you'll be glad to know that, coming in late February, Mike Adams will be the proud owner of a quaint little heavily armed compound where he will be 3-D printing...something, away from the prying eyes of the FBI. Better yet, he'll be doing so alongside that asshole who 3-D printed the first usable gun parts! But don't be alarmed, dear reader. Mike has assured us that he will only be producing "functional parts for revolutionary inventions" which we're pretty sure is a euphemism Lex Luthor once used for a death ray cannon.
In the announcement, we read Mike fellating the state of Texas for a bit (we need an emoji for miming a BJ) before jumping down to the line that should reassure anyone who was hoping Mike might finally be taking his bipolar meds:
The Natural News Texas-based 3D print farm is secured with numerous finely-honed firearms openly carried on the hips of numerous people who don't f*%* around when it comes to security, so we fully expect no thefts to take place here. (God bless Texas yet again!)
God bless you too, Mike Adams. Or as the southern ladies say, well bless your heart.
The Ant-Vax 'Doctor' Who Can't Doctor No More
As a palate cleanser, let's read some good news, because Buddha knows we could some already.
Meet anti-vaccine advocate Doctor Sherri Tenpenny, who's having a wee bit of a sad. In between telling parents that vaccines will harm their darling children, and guest writing for Huffington Post, Dr. Tenpenny runs a modest business practicing medicine. Oh no wait, she hasn't practiced medicine in years and in fact isn't even qualified to give medical treatment anymore. She actually makes a living selling homeopathic supplements (the only medicine that gets stronger the more you dilute it) to gullible white people, and going on speaking tours promoting nonsense like there are no double blind studies showing the safety of vaccines. Sherri, there are entire truckloads of those studies. Just because you ignore them doesn't mean they don't exist.
Unfortunately, it seems that Sherri won't be making any sweet sweet Aussie dollars this year. Her upcoming tour to the land down under, much hyped by the anti-vaccine crowd, was cut abruptly short by the simple matter of every single venue canceling her appearance.
Speaking to Channel 9 from her home in Cleveland, Ohio, Ms Tenpenny said she was still hopeful of making a trip after a strong backlash from pro-vaccine campaigners forced many venues to cancel events.
“I know that we’re still trying to find locations, but it’s become quite difficult with the extremists there, they’re making it very challenging to schedule another event,” she said.
Those extremists are quite difficult, what with their unreasonable demands that children not catch polio in the 21st century. It was good enough for FDR, wasn't it? Why does Australia hate FDR?
Of course the cancellation wasn't a total wash, and it looks like Sherri can still score her sweet Aussie lucre:
Some punters had paid as much as $200 to attend.
Ms Tenpenny said she “did not know” whether those who bought tickets would get their money back.
That's it, Sherri. Never let a good con get away.
Braco, The Incredible Gazing Man!
Next up, we feel it's time for a little natural healing. Our chakras are all out of alignment and it's fit to give us the consumption.
Thankfully there is Braco, the Incredible Gazing Man! Using the fantastic powers of just his eyeballs pointing kind of in your general direction, Braco can perform healing miracles, as attested by these adults who have all made excellent life decisions:
Did you feel that? Did you feel that warm bubble of warmth tingling throughout your entire body and then bursting all over your stomach, requiring you to get a towel? (Ew)
Those are just some of the rave reviews for Braco (pronounced "KAHN ar-tist"), a Croatian gentleman with the miraculous power of staring health into you. But don't take our word for it! Take the word of these fine people who have felt the healing power of Braco not just in person, but by looking at him over Skype and even just by seeing his picture on The Google. He's so effective that he doesn't even need to know he's looking at you to do it! Wowee!
Braco's organization tries to make it clear that he is not claiming he has healing powers, but that doesn't mean he can't cover his website in testimonials from other people who claim he has healing powers, does it?
Your Volpe would take a second to debunk the insanity of this, but thank goodness this particular brand of crazy has been called out by another brand of crazy, as these perfectly sane individuals astutely point out that Braco has all along been the Illuminati reptilian shapeshifter responsible for 9/11. Because of course.
Our best guess is that someone in the Braco fan club broke up with someone in the Illuminati Reptilians fan club through prolonged dead-silent staring, and that second someone did not take the break up too well.
Flotsam! Jetsam! Hokum and Pokum!
Lastly we'll take a quick peek at some of the other hokum that has made headlines at the only true news source, your Trusted Wonkette:
- Two poor oppressed parents had their childrens stolen by that biggest of Big Brothers, Child Protective Services, and all because they were giving their children simple mineral supplements that just happen to take the form of bleach enemas. I thought this was America, man!
- Southern California students are gaining the gift of "natural immunity" thanks to a few generous parents who visited Disney Land without vaccinating their kids. Sharing is caring, right up until someone gets permanent brain damage.
- Not even Fox News could find a doctor dumb enough to say that not vaccinating your kids was a personal liberty thing. A panel of doctors straight up told Fox's talking L'Oreal billboard that a thing called herd immunity exists, so if you vaccinate your fucking kids maybe these diseases will stop coming back, Christ.
What a shame, folks. Looks like our time is up! Pass all the tincture sample bottles to the front and heavens don't spill any in the drinking water, please. Come back to this hyah street corner same time next week for the latest in stuff and nonsense. And if anyone happens to know the name for a good leech specialist, please let me know posthaste.