The Snake Oil Bulletin: Onions Probably Cure Cancer And AIDS, Because Why Not
Chop chop, baby
Welcome back, fellow wanderers on this journey we call life. It's time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly round-up of tips and tricks to naturally detoxify your body of all the toxins, gremlins, and assorted miasmas it picks up in this crazy modern world of ours, destructive as it is to the balancing of our four humours.
Fortunately, friends, there is a savior for all our chakric disruptions. One force with the power to eliminate our diseases, purify our body, and teach our children that mommy and daddy have more money than sense. Would you like to meet this savior, dear reader? You might want to cover you nose before you do.
It's time to hitch an onion to your
belt feet, which is the style at the time, and dive deep into the stink that is the mystical world of vegetable woo.
Onions are freaking magic
Good news, friend! We finally found the reason why your crunchy cousin's feet always reek -- he's using magical onion insoles! Well, that's ONE reason he stinks. Remember this is the guy who uses a rock as deodorant.
For some time now, the word circulating on the woo blogs has been that onions are the newest "superfood" that everyone must have because it does everything EVER. In ages past those foods were soy, tofu, kale, acai berries, coconut oil, or just about anything that asshole Dr. Oz sells, at least until people discover those foods are filled with toxins like gluten or whatever. The shelf-life for a superfood is pretty short is what we're saying.
But the humble onion has a special quality over all its competitors that distinguishes it for the crunchier set: it's made with layers of magic. For years, organic and natural living blogs have been touting the magical healing benefits of onions, whether they be eaten, left out around your house like the most heinous new scent from Glade, or -- most hilariously of all -- placed in your socks like foot pads. It's not a joke when skeptic blogs mention taping onions to your feet because woosters actually believe it.
The idea of slapping onions to your feet -- or in its more common iteration, leaving them in your socks overnight -- comes from the idea onions absorb bacteria, diseases, and toxins from the air. Woosters have been touting strategically placing onion slices around your house as a flu cure for years, but how do we know onions can absorb diseases? Well if the woo blogs are to be believed, it's because back during the Middle Ages people used to place onions around their homes to protect them from the Bubonic Plague, and we know that strategy worked because there were so many survivors. Healthy Bliss even advises a timeline for your onion placement, and it's about as stomach churning as a three month old onion can be:
The onions need to be peeled if left around the home as a preventive measure against flu and viruses. Many people do this during flu season and find that no one gets sick, whereas in previous years with no onions, they had several members of the family fall ill. If placed around the home for prevention, the onions should be replaced every 3 months.
Three months. These people expect you to leave sliced, rotting onions around your house for three months. We try not to quote funnier writers than we, but do you want ants? Because this is how you get ants.
If someone falls ill with a cough, flu, cold or fever, immediately place apeeled [sic] white onion cut in half in a bowl in their room. The onion needs to be cut in half in order to expose the most amount of ‘healing power’ from its pungent odor.
Cut onions can also be used to eliminate mold smells in a closet, drawer or room.
It's sure as hell going to eliminate the smell because no one can detect the mold over the scent of all your fucking onions.
Only recently has the rumor been spreading that onions can also cure impurities in blood through their magic toxin-absorbing superpowers. Now before you open a vein over a plate of Funyuns, you'll be pleased to know that you can remove all the impurities from your blood by placing these odious toxin removers on the "meridians" on your feet. What are "meridians" you ask, being someone who is acquainted with maps and feet but not both at the same time? Hoo boy, buckle in.
What the fuck is a "meridian"?
"Meridians," according to the master quacks, are magic spots on your feet that somehow connect to different parts of your body. Let's allow Simple Organic Life to explain it:
The bottoms of your feet have a variety of different nerve endings. 7,000 to be precise. Those nerves link to a variety of different organs in the body. The electrical signals sent across these meridians often become dormant when you wear shoes. Stimulating those meridians is important. You can do so by grounding yourself with the earth’s negative ion field (stand outside without shoes on) or using onions.
If the line about earth's ion field and going barefoot sounds familiar, it's because onion soles and meridians come from the same school of thought that brought us earthing. Remember that horse plop? Walk around barefoot to absorb the earth energy, and if you can't absorb earth energy from the source, pay $200 for an electric foot pad that absorbs the earth energy for you. Onions are like a cheaper, more detestable-smelling kind of earthing pad. The theory states that if you put onions onto the right meridians in your feet, you can absorb "toxins" from specific organs in your body ... somehow.
Why Don't You Try This? (a reassuring title for any health blog) offers a helpful chart of a foot covered in organs to show which parts of your callused be-bunioned soles connect to which organs, allowing you, the person who no longer has friends, the ability to most accurately apply your onions in the comfort of your home.
If you ever wondered why it feels weird when someone touches the center of your foot, it's because your spleen is super ticklish.
Where is all this wondrous medicine coming from, you may ask, having successfully driven away everyone dear to you with the smell of your rancid feet? The idea of meridians comes from reflexology, the Ancient Chinese Medicine of white people pretending they know Ancient Chinese Medicine. Reflexologists claim that foot massage can activate the healing abilities of particular organs, and that by the careful application of pressure, vegetables, or acupuncture needles to particular points on your foot, you can activate your organs to do shit even a faith healer doesn't try to touch.
Claims regularly made for reflexology include that it can “detoxify” the body, increase circulation, assist in weight loss, and improve the health of organs. Other conditions for which quacks claim reflexology is efficacious include earaches, anemia, bedwetting, bronchitis, convulsions in an infant, hemorrhoids, hiccups, deafness, hair loss, emphysema, prostate trouble, heart disease, overactive thyroid gland, kidney stones, liver trouble, rectal prolapse, undescended testicles, intestinal paralysis, cataracts, and hydrocephalus.
To summarize, reflexologists said some crap about the foot connecting to organs, ancient medicine practitioners heard rumors about onions absorbing things, and the two worlds collided into the social-life-destroying world of onion foot pads. And for the record, always go to a licensed reflexologist, because it'd be super awkward if your bedwetting hydrocephalic baby girl went in to treat her heart disease and came out with descended testicles instead.
Can we talk about butt stuff now?
Sure! Let's bring this party back to enemas, because this is Wonkette and we're kind of anal about our butt jokes. If you thought the onion nonsense ended at your feet, take a look at this list from the fine folks at Enema-Web, a site we can only kick ourselves for not discovering earlier. Read down the page to get a delicious recipe for the perfect hot spice enema mix to bring the magic of onions from your feet to your anus:
Spice herbs; red peppers, ginger, mustard seeds, cardamom, basil, oregano, marjoram, thyme, garlic, onion) stimulate circulation, aid digestion and eliminate gas.
To whomever it is that runs this brilliant ad campaign to get dumbsters to buy more onions we have only this to say: you are evil, monstrous geniuses, and we'd like you to take us with you.
Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum
- Carly Fiorina (R-Bankruptcy) continues her whirlwind tour of saying dumb things on camera about climate change. Aw, she thinks if she makes the Repubs really happy they'll take down the NO GIRLS ALLOWED sign on their clubhouse.
- The real victim in the continued hilarity that is the Ashley Madison hacking scandal is Josh Duggar. Thanks to Josh's courage at sticking his weewee into women who aren't his wife, Americans have woken up to the scourge that is porno demons from the beyond. "You truly are a hero," we imagine Josh whispering into the mirror at night.
- Scott Walker, America's favorite "wait, which one was he again?" candidate has come up with a brilliant new plan to repeal and replace Obamacare. Only problem is he plans to replace it with a bucket of leeches.
- A ten-year-old girl in Paraguay was forced to give birth (WHICH IS A BAD THING, JESUS CHRIST) after being raped by her stepfather, and Ole Uncle Huckabee was there to make sure she felt like shit about it.