The Snake Oil Bulletin: Revenge Of The Son Of The Bride Of Dracula Vag
Salutations, friends, and welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly round-up of the worst in chemical medical nonsense to block the tubes of our dear internet machine.
Were you looking to regurgitate your delicious Father's Day breakfast of burnt toast and flaccid bacon? Good news! Today's first story is bound to help you do just that! Today we bring you a delightful tale of when a lady meets a doctor, and the two decide to be kinda gross about it.
Women are injecting blood into their cooters
Remember how we've been talking about butt injections? We kinda wish we weren't either, but people seem pretty committed to shooting horrible things into their bodies. Speaking of horrible things, you know what your vagina is missing? Blood, apparently. Thank God our friendly neighborhood injection specialists are making sure your lady lumps will never go unplumped again with the revolutionary Rejuvula, or as it's being called by the very people that are actually trying to sell this insanity, the Dracula Treatment. Holy shit, we actually have an excuse to bring back our gone-but-not-forgotten friend, ole Dracula Cunt! Hurray for Rejuvula!
Rejuvula's practitioners take platelet rich plasma (i.e. blood) from their patients and inject it directly into their hoohas. They claim it's able to tighten the vagina and increase sensation, leading to more frequent orgasms and a boosted libido. Technically they're not wrong, since the whole point of sexual congress is to make your fancy bits swell with blood but, like, really? We gotta inject this shit? With needles? Needles in your, well, take your pick. How about tinkleflower?
We're a little dubious about the credentials of Dr. Daniel Sister (the Voldemort-looking fellow who invented the original Dracula Therapy for faces) and Claudia McCloin in part because they choose to bill themselves as "medical aesthetics," but they seem to check out. Dr. Sister actually began this blood injection scheme as an "anti-ageing" method, though we're not quite sure the mechanism. Isn't the blood already inside your body, and he's just moving it around? Also, you should probably be a little suspicious about this disclaimer on his own website:
Treatment may need to be repeated every 2-6 months because of the on-going ageing process.
Yeah, it's almost like people age whether you inject them with sweet sanguine or not. Funny, that. Incidentally, does the Dracula Treatment do anything to increase the sparkliness of our vajayjays? Because we've come to expect that kind of thing in our vampires of late.
We were hoping that Repo! The Genetic Opera's prediction that surgery would soon become a fashion statement was just some fantasy squick, but at the very least we didn't need to wait until the apocalypse to hit before the prediction came true.
People who failed chemistry now offering "organic" water
In international news, a German court has decided that a bottling company has the right to keep the "organic" label on their bottled water. Yep. Coming soon to a Whole Foods near you! Organic Water! The popping sound you hear is the forehead veins of chemists bursting across the world.
The company, Lammsbrau, previously lost a case for their BioKristall water, which was attempting to mimic the national organic seal by using a very similar label and by using the prefix "bio" in its name, which must be state-approved because it's used as an organic designator. In other words, it's like they were selling a piece of fruit at the farmer's market, but the sticker said "organic" in irony quotes.
The previous court ruled that, no fucking shit, you can't call something organic if it doesn't have any fucking carbon in it, but the most recent decision determined that BioKristall can keep calling itself that so long as they just change their label to not be such an explicit scam. They're still a scam, no doubt, but now they're just not so obvious about it.
Fortunately it seems this kind of idiocy seems to be well-contained. The USDA specifically ruled that water cannot be called organic, which was good news after a Welsh company tried a similar scam by claiming their water was "organic" because it came from beneath "organic soil," kinda like how your Volpe is a certified doctor because he grew up near a medical degree. But perhaps these two cases should be indicative of the shadiness that is the modern organic movement. Organic water is not too far removed from gluten-free salt after all, so maaaaaybe exercise a little critical thinking when you make the mental calculation that the extra dollar you spend for organic water is gonna be worth it because it's like more natural and stuff?
I wonder if we can get our labias replumped with certified organic blood.
Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum
Lastly, we'll take a look at the choicest GMO-free harvest of nonsense and phooey to grace the pages of your beloved Wonkette.
- The Weather Channel is prepared to trick its tens of viewers into believing climate change is real by slipping a few Republicans into the mix. Pretty sneaky, sis.
- That explicitly racist shooting by an avowed racist who said in writing that he did it to be a mega racist definitely happened because of abortion. Yep. Nailed it.
- A wise man once told us to never gamble with physicists or mathematicians. Thankfully the climate-change-denying Heartland Institute wouldn't know wisdom if they bought it, so they should go right ahead and take the $25,000 climate change challenge.
- A Republican congresslady in California can't figure out why people are so eager to stop the spread of deadly infectious diseases. It's not like they hurt or maim anyone, right? Also too, BOTH SIDES DO IT! FOX NEWS BALANCE ACHIEVED!
- This week has been awful. Go watch some kitty cat videos FOR SCIENCE!