The Snake Oil Bulletin: Semen Masks Make A Sticky Situation

Welcome back, dearest readers! It's time once more for the weekly helping of head-desking "moran"-acy known as the Snake Oil Bulletin.

This week we're tackling the topic of fitness bloggers, those handsomish, sexy people who populate our interwebs with their yogas and crossfits and inspirational quotes that can just as easily apply to drinking.

What is the secret to their amazing bodies that makes our tackle boxes tingle so? Would you believe the answer lies within those very tackle boxes? Sure, it helps that these bloggers are in their mid-twenties and wear lots of makeup, but the real secret, as revealed by one fitness blogger, comes straight from the family jewels themselves. Make sure to wear a rubber, as this is going to get sticky.

Gross fitness blogger covers her face in baby batter for "health"

If you've been a long-time reader of Yr Beloved Wonkette (All Glory to the Mommyblog!) you know we're down for some pretty freaky deaky shit. Remember that time we reported on giant rocks you could shove up your cooch and we were kinda cool with it? Or hell, there was even that time we reported on those people squirting coffee up their butts, and we were only moderately grossed out by that because, hey, some people like their butt stuff and who are we to judge?

What we're saying is, if you're cool to smash your dangly bits against other people's dangly bits, or smash your dangly bits against inanimate objects, or even take dangly bits out of the equation all together and just rub banana pudding on your ass cheeks, so long as everybody involved is above age and consenting, then you do you, brah.

When we're NOT super cool with it is when all your gross fetishes come with a made up "healthy" label, like the primo horndog on our agenda for today, mommyblogger and fitness nut Tracy Kiss, who has come out with a revolutionary new treatment for keeping your skin smooth and taut: coat it in a rich, soothing semen mask.

The self-proclaimed "beauty blogger" has apparently been slathering her face in pearl jam for over two years now, as she explains in this video:

According to Kiss's teste-monial, she first started coating her visage in serpent gravy several years ago after hearing it was a favorite beauty routine of "Melrose Place" actress Heather Locklear. Not only is it grossness, it's celebrity-endorsed grossness! If Gwyneth Paltrow gets hold of this recipe she can resell it as a vaginal steaming with only the finest vaporized spunk.

Kiss's quest for love custard came after years of suffering from rosacea, which caused burning red patches to break out all over her face. To quote her Mirror interview:

She said she came across the idea after speaking to a beauty therapist about her condition with a view to having an acid facial peel but decided to try natural remedies.

Thank goodness she opted out of dumping burning acid onto her sensitive skin in hopes of literally melting it off, and instead went for the far more natural option of a facial ... facial. If Kiss's history is anything to go by, she's a big advocate of using "natural" products as often as possible, which is why there is little doubt her leaking breast implants, which she famously had to have three life-saving surgeries to correct, were crafted using only the most natural, grass-fed silicone nature can provide.

Kiss's Instagram presence seems to consist entirely of "fitness" selfies she claims are the result of good diet, exercise, and healthy things like her rich jizz masks. According to her story, she started her quest for A Healthier Me after a bad breakup, and made the decision to turn her life around and become an inspiration to millions, in hopes they too can achieve the body they always wanted. What she leaves out is that said body cost her over $30,000 in cosmetic surgeries.

Let's be clear about something: we're cool with people getting cosmetic surgery. If you have the money and want to lose 100 pounds, enhance your bust, or transform your nose into cat whiskers, we say go for it. Just don't pretend you got that body from doing squat thrusts and slathering your skin in thrust squat. When Kathy Griffin jokes that her banging body comes from a lot of "dental work," we laugh and go along because she's open about how her body is not natural at all. Yet when a "fitness" blogger coats her face in man chowder and pretends she got those curves from working out, something smells fishier than those little swimmers supposedly wriggling all over face.

In fact, we're more than a bit suspicious of Kiss's semen masks, since in her Mirror interview she appears to have little understanding of what semen even is, apparently believing it is responsible for babies' soft skin:

Semen builds babies, they come out very soft and have beautiful skin, and it leaves my skin nice and soft so I'm very happy to use this as a facial.

Tracy, if you're trying to titillate readers with your skin fetishes, it might be best not to mention semen and HUMAN BABIES in the same thought.

In case you're wondering (because you're a perv), Kiss is not involved in the production of the penis colada, but rather receives the donations from a "dear friend." We're not medical doctors, but we've seen our fair share of clam sauce, and from the video evidence provided we would recommend Tracy's friend see a urologist, because his deposits are looking less like the bishop's communion and more like KY Jelly. Imagine that, another super-suspicious part of a super-suspicious story.

Fitness blogging is major business on social media. Kiss is the self-published author of a diet book and two erotic novels, and no doubt her career has been bolstered by her 150 thousand Instagram followers and lurid titillating interviews in the tit-happy Mirror. It seems her routine is less bullshit fitness scam and more bullshit softcore porn scam, because lest it bears repeating, coating your face in semen does jack. If that's your kink, go have a ball (or two), you big gross weirdo. Just don't pretend your friend's chumba wumba is a decent replacement for Maybelline.

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

  • Megachurch pastor Steven Fuckstick Furtick is pretty sure the Bible is A-Okay with his ownership of a 16,000 sq. ft mansion, but it'd surely be a sin to tell anyone about it. God helps those who don't snitch.
  • A super sane Christian lady is here to mommy-shame Katy Perry's folks into seeing what a hellbound demon seed their daughter is, all because she can't figure out why her teenage son won't listen to her.
  • A Utah judge has tried to rescue a poor foster child from a horrid life of being lovingly raised by two lesbians. Sure, the case manager, lawyers, and even the freaking birth mother all want these wicked lesbians to adopt the baby, but what would they know? This judge has super secret Christianist "science" on his side. Good news, though: the judge has been pressured to drop his order.
  • Man, that lame old gubmint won't let those nice Gideons throw Bibbles into schoolchildren's faces like they used to.
  • Crisis pregnancy centers have made amazing breakthroughs in the field of sexual health and Jesus spooging. For example, did you know that marriage cures herpes, AIDS, and the clap? It's not true, but it's true for Jesus.

[The Mirror / Hollywood Reporter / Hollywood Life]


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