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Before you say "hey Wonkette, why are you telling us the worst things that happened on Fox News yesterday?" let us tell you. Friday is not over yet, for one thing. Secondly, while Fox News is very interesting so far today, like it always is, and is sharing so much vital factual information with its viewers, yesterday was just kinda sorta special. Also it is Friday and we are Wonkette-By-Numbers-ing the shit out of this shit, so maybe you should go eat worms.

Bobby Lewis from Media Matters has of course live-tweeted all of it, so for the sake of "thorough," here are your top stories from "Fox & Friends" this morning, so you don't feel like you're out of the loop when you go to the MENSA meeting later:


Don't know what his name is, gonna call him Carl The Horse-Whispering Antifa.

On the very day one of the Koch brothers started seeding dark money to fund Republican candidates for the upcoming general elections in hell? RUDE.

Next:

OK wait. This is possibly a story you need to know about. Kat Timpf, the "Fox & Friends" advice lady, answered a burning question from a viewer who wanted to know if it is weird that the human man she just started dating has a dog with the same name as hers. Timpf's advice was very "it depends," as she tried to suss out whether the dog is about to die right now. Because if it's an old dog and it is named Kaitlin and the viewer is named Caitlin, then she's probably fine. But if the man just adopted a puppy named Kaitlin, then Caitlin, the human lady who gets her life tips from "Fox & Friends," might be in for a "lifetime of weirdness." Brian Kilmeade chimed in to note that it would always be confusing, because you'd never know whose dinner was actually ready when the man yelled that CAITLIN, DINNER IS READY! "Yours, or the dog's?" asked Brian Kilmeade, with genuine concern.

One solution Wonkette would suggest is to look at the dinner and see if it is kibbles in a bowl on the floor, or if it is homemade fettucine ragù with a side salad served in a common eating location used by people. Timpf also noted that hopefully the man talks to his girlfriend in a different way from how he talks to the dog. Hopefully.

OK, you are caught up on this morning, so we can talk about yesterday's shit, because SPEAKING OF BRIAN KILMEADE.

This first one you may have already seen in our hilarious post about how Senator Tom Cotton was the dumbfucking human Adam's apple who planted the "buy Greenland" idea in Donald Trump's head, but let's watch it again anyway. Brian Kilmeade seemed genuinely mad at "the Vikings" for pranking common white Americans by naming Greenland "Greenland" and Iceland "Iceland," when it is just obviously the other way around.

NICE TRY, VIKINGS.

Next, let's go south from Green(cold)land and Ice(green)land, and visit the site of the Titanic shipwreck, which is reportedly deteriorating quite a bit these days. Brian Kilmeade got genuinely huffy about this, because DUH the Titanic is at the bottom of OCEAN, like WHAT DO YOU EXPECT, DUMBHEADS? And if you care about the Titanic deteriorating so much, why don't you just put BALLOONS under the TITANIC and bring it to the GARAGE and DRY IT OFF? (He didn't say that last part, we are mocking him with cruelty.)

This was a special "Fox & Friends" moment, because it's one of those rare instances where literally none of the other idiots on the idiot couch, nor the meteorologist they ask for a check on the weather, was willing to go along with Brian Kilmeade's righteous indignation, so they just left him hanging.

This calls to mind the quintessential Brian Kilmeade rant, in 2015, when he was SO ANGRY at SHARKS for always LIVING in the OCEAN so much, which meant the sharks were attacking surfers far more than Brian Kilmeade would prefer. Why couldn't they just CLEAR OUT THE SHARKS from the OCEAN? asked Brian Kilmeade, with genuine confusion. And while they're down there in OCEAN, maybe they should put some BALLOONS under the TITANIC and take it somewhere to DRY IT OFF!

Finally, we saved the best for last, but this one is not Brian Kilmeade, and it didn't happen on "Fox & Friends." It was "Outnumbered," and it was GOP strategist David Avella lamenting the homelessness crisis in San Francisco, what with everybody pooping in the streets and -- we are not kidding -- "laying on the street having just shot up with marijuana." You know how people are, always putting marijuana into their bodies with syringes and laying all over the street afterward.

Now, as every wingnut on the internet is pointing out, Avella corrected himself when prompted by one of the hosts. But we don't care because that is not an acceptable mistake to make in the first place. And yes, for squares out there, we ARE saying that if you cannot speak "drugs" fluently enough to avoid suggesting that people "shoot up" marijuana, then you are a DORK and shouldn't be allowed to experience FRIENDSHIP. Also, fuck you.

This is not the first time this has happened on Fox:

Of course, this also reminds us of our very favorite brain thought from Steve Doocy on "Fox & Friends," from 2012:

potted up www.youtube.com

DOOCY: What's to keep somebody from getting all potted up on weed and then getting behind the wheel? Nothing!

NOTHING!

If Fox News wasn't ruining America and brainwashing baby boomers and tearing families part, it would be a goddamned national treasure.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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