The Top 10 Ways Hunter Biden Is Very Bad, Wonkette Reluctantly Admits
New York Times media columnist Ben Smith saw a tweet from a Daily Caller idiot and had an observation:
Sure looks like trading on his name, in a totally explicit way. https://t.co/QTgXY94pIK— Ben Smith (@Ben Smith)1603817692.0
Uh oh sounds pretty bad. Hunter Biden traded off his family name, just like every other person with a recognizable name that isn't "Smith" and parents who are powerful. Better take Donald Trump's advice and go beg the elections commission to let us change our vote away from Hunter Biden now.
In that spirit, here are the Top 10 Bad Things About Hunter Biden that Wonkette is now willing to admit we were Fake Newsing about, because of how George Soros paid us to, obviously:
1. Met in Biden Tower with Russians promising dirt on his opponent, a meeting he set up by jizzing all over his computer screen while typing "IF IT'S WHAT YOU SAY I LOVE IT, ESPECIALLY LATER IN THE SUMMER."
2. Signed checks for his dad to reimburse the family lawyer for paying off a porn star his dad fucked behind his stepmom's back, to keep her quiet before the presidential election.
3. Tweeted ADORRRRABLE pictures of himself with his baby while his dad was ripping babies out of their mommies' arms at the US-Mexico border.
4. Fleeced the Secret Service for the privilege of staying at Daddy's properties, then lied about it and said they let the Secret Service stay for free.
5. Got his legal fees paid by Daddy's presidential campaign.
7. Was so grifty and gross with his family's "charity" that he and Daddy are now no longer even allowed to HAVE charities.
8. Alllllll those Chinese patents that just conveniently were granted by China while Daddy was president. Just for you! No reason!
9. Oh yeah and the sweatshops.
10. Had a face that was so weird and bad looking it is not even like a human face, it is like if you got too drunk to drive and decided to draw faces instead.
Just fooling, all those things were about Donald Trump's filthy children, and nobody gives a shit about Hunter Biden.
We are sick and tired of writing about Hunter Biden, and writing about the Rudy/Russia disinfo op about the Bidens in Ukraine we've been living through ever since impeachment, though, and we hope to never do it again.
Giving us hope on that front is The Daily Beast, which reports that the Trump campaign isn't even messaging on Hunter Biden anymore, because of how that October Surprise turned out to be more like a COCKTOBER TURDPRISE, which isn't even a good pun, but we're four years into covering Trump and the election is next week, so we're tired.
That Daliy Caller idiot (see tweet above) may not have gotten the memo, but it turns out the Trump campaign, which is so poor it just pulled ads out of Florida, doesn't seem to have much interest in WHERE'S HUNTER:
Though the president has repeatedly mentioned the allegations in rallies, on Twitter, and at a presidential debate last week, his campaign has barely supplemented it with its paid media. With the exception of a few promos for "Where's Hunter?" merchandise, the campaign hasn't mentioned the younger Biden in ads on Trump's Facebook and Instagram pages since October 13, the day before the New York Post first reported on the contents of Biden's hard drives. Pro-Trump super PAC America First Action hasn't mentioned Hunter Biden at all in its Facebook or television ads since then.
The Beast reports that out of the Trump campaign's last 29 ads, only two have even remotely touched WHERE'S HUNTER.
One official working on the Trump reelection effort privately expressed to The Daily Beast this week that they saw little point in harping on the Hunter Biden emails and foreign-dealings stories, as it had little chance of significantly altering the narrative, even at the margins.
Even Ted Cruz is admitting that.
The Beast notes that there are some of the "Trump faithful" — read: the most dead-ender idiots who drink Trump's bathwater — who think the Hunter Biden thing is still a good campaign message:
"Joe Biden's corruption issue broke through the mainstream media blackout and Joe Biden lied in front of tens of millions of Americans. Republicans have to keep pressing that," said John McLaughlin, a top pollster for the president and his 2020 campaign. "Trump and his voters will be energized. Biden will try to stall for the remaining…days."
Hahahahahahaha John McLaughlin? THIS John McLaughlin?
Nobody gives a fuck about Hunter Biden, these conspiracy theories are stupid and bad since they all fail to remotely accuse Joe Biden (the candidate) of wrongdoing, and we will never write about these things ever again.
Unless we have to, in which case gonna be pissed.
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