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HEY LADIES, big news! Paul Ryan is officially the Republican Party's nominee for new doomed speaker of the House of Representatives. (The full House will vote for him on Thursday; Democrats are expected to support the GOP's choice, if they don't die laughing first.)

And, per congressional tradition, Speaker-elect Ryan (LOL) is changing his name. Nancy Pelosi was known as "Queen Of This Motherfucker, Bitch," John Boehner was called "Alcoholic," and Denny Hastert was known as "Is That A Gavel In Your Pocket, Or Are You Fingering 'Individual A' Right Now?" And so, Paul Ryan has chosen to become PAUL D. RYAN. Doesn't that give you a major ladyboner?

BUT WHAT DOES THE "D" STAND FOR????

Oh sure, we could look it up on Internets, but that's no fun. Let's just make shit up:

  1. DIVA!!!!!!
  2. Dingleberry
  3. Dorkus
  4. Dong-lover
  5. Dildo Butter
  6. Debt Ceiling
  7. Dude, Zeppelin rules!
  8. Duggar
  9. Denny Hastert
  10. Dumbass
  11. Dickmouth
  12. Deep Throat
  13. Didn't Want This Fucking Job Anyway
  14. Definitely A Pussy
  15. Distillery (in honor of John Boehner)
  16. Depeche Mode
  17. Dishwatergate
  18. Davis, because that's actually his middle name
  19. Do You Even Lift, Bro?
  20. Do I Get To Pick My Own Sex Scandal, Or Does Ways And Means Just Assign Me One?
  21. Davis, because no, seriously, his middle name is "Davis"
  22. Donald Trump
  23. Dumpster full of jizz
  24. Dog-blower
  25. DRUG SMOKER?????
  26. Does this Aaron Schock in my mouth make me look gay?
  27. Douchebro
  28. Double douchebro
  29. Debbie Gibson

Congratulations, almost-Speaker Ryan. Please do be sure to make the SEX SCANDAL that inevitably drives you from office super sexxxy.

And do remember, kids, to join us later for liveblogging of the debate, which, SCIENCE FACT, is also a "D" word!

[Politico]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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