The Top 29 Things The 'D' In Paul Ryan's New Fancy Speaker Name Stands For
HEY LADIES, big news! Paul Ryan is officially the Republican Party's nominee for new doomed speaker of the House of Representatives. (The full House will vote for him on Thursday; Democrats are expected to support the GOP's choice, if they don't die laughing first.)
And, per congressional tradition, Speaker-elect Ryan (LOL) is changing his name. Nancy Pelosi was known as "Queen Of This Motherfucker, Bitch," John Boehner was called "Alcoholic," and Denny Hastert was known as "Is That A Gavel In Your Pocket, Or Are You Fingering 'Individual A' Right Now?" And so, Paul Ryan has chosen to become PAUL D. RYAN. Doesn't that give you a major ladyboner?
BUT WHAT DOES THE "D" STAND FOR????
Oh sure, we could look it up on Internets, but that's no fun. Let's just make shit up:
- Dildo Butter
- Debt Ceiling
- Dude, Zeppelin rules!
- Denny Hastert
- Deep Throat
- Didn't Want This Fucking Job Anyway
- Definitely A Pussy
- Distillery (in honor of John Boehner)
- Depeche Mode
- Davis, because that's actually his middle name
- Do You Even Lift, Bro?
- Do I Get To Pick My Own Sex Scandal, Or Does Ways And Means Just Assign Me One?
- Davis, because no, seriously, his middle name is "Davis"
- Donald Trump
- Dumpster full of jizz
- DRUG SMOKER?????
- Does this Aaron Schock in my mouth make me look gay?
- Double douchebro
- Debbie Gibson
Congratulations, almost-Speaker Ryan. Please do be sure to make the SEX SCANDAL that inevitably drives you from office super sexxxy.
And do remember, kids, to join us later for liveblogging of the debate, which, SCIENCE FACT, is also a "D" word!