The Top 768,796 Reasons Putin Wants Trump Re-Elected, For GOP Rep. Chris Stewart And Idiots Like Him

Yesterday we learned about the Russia briefing to the House Intelligence Committee that pissed off Donald Trump so much he fired his director of national intelligence, because the ODNI briefer told Congress the obvious truth that Russia is trying to get Trump re-elected. In that briefing, butthole-mouthed GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah was reportedly highly skeptical that Vladimir Putin would even want Trump re-elected, because Stewart is apparently high on his own sauce and truly believes the lies he tells himself about how Trump has been tougher on Putin than anybody else.

According to the New York Times,

Mr. Stewart insisted that the president had aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russia-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump. He pointed to the president's work to confront Iran, a Russian ally, and encourage European energy independence from Moscow. "I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," Mr. Stewart said in an interview, referring to the nominal Democratic primary race front-runner.

This is the guy who was reportedly one of Trump's top choices for permanent director of national intelligence, but apparently isn't anymore because somebody showed Trump a mean quote Stewart said in 2016 where he called Trump "Mussolini" and Trump doesn't like him anymore. (Funny how much these Republicans have changed! Wonder why.)

Regardless, that sound you hear right now is Wonkette and every other patriotic and informed American endlessly screaming and banging our heads against the wall and wondering how Stewart and his fellow Trump-humping Republicans manage to put on pants in the morning without injuring themselves.

Why would Putin want Trump? Dunno, Congressman, why did Putin want Trump in the first fucking place? Because the reasons back then are the same as the reasons now, except for how how Putin also had a personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2016. But oh boy, there were a thousand reasons Putin preferred to have his puppet Donald Trump in the American presidency then, and there are a million more now!

Instead of endlessly screaming, Wonkette chooses to be helpful to Chris Stewart and anybody else who is as dumb as he is and answer his question. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, DUMBASS.

Here is a long but not remotely exhaustive listicle! CLIP AND SHARE whenever someone is BEING AN IDIOT.

The Top 768,796 Reasons Trump Is Putin's Boy 4EVA!

1. Trump has not strengthened NATO. Trump hates NATO. He hates it so much. Trump believes dumb wrong shit about how NATO budgets are supposed to work and accuses everybody else of not "paying their fair share." He reportedly constantlytalks about leaving NATO.

Oh yeah, and he also wants to pull us out of the World Trade Organization (WTO), which would just be another gift to Putin. He fucking told Emmanuel Macron to pull France out of the European Union, and breaking up the EU is one of Putin's wet dreams.

2. Challenge Iran? Fuck off. Trump pulled out of the Iran nuclear agreement, which was fucking working. He tried and tried to pull troops out of northern Syria, and eventually (falsely) declared victory over ISIS and got it done, effectively ceding that region to Putin, Assad, and the Iranians, to divvy up and share as they see fit. Hell, he's tried to do business, albeit indirectly, with the goddamned Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Trump's record on "challenging Iran" is at best inconsistent. He might bumblefuck us into a war with Iran, but even that would redound to Putin's benefit.

3. Providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine? Yes, he sure did! And then — Chris Stewart might not remember this, or believe it — but Trump was just impeached for using said military assistance to extort Ukraine into announcing investigations into Trump's political rivals and Trump's pet conspiracy theories about fake Ukrainian meddling in the 2016 election. He put a hold on the military assistance, and he also denied new Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy the pomp and circumstance of a White House meeting, clear signals to Russia that Trump's "support" for Ukraine is entirely transactional and really honestly, he doesn't care about Ukraine. (He only cares about "big things," as Gordon Sondland told diplomat David Holmes.)

4. Actually Trump kind of supports Russia's war on Ukraine. He kisses Putin's ass on Ukraine every chance he gets. They speak Russian in Crimea, after all! Trump lies and says Russia got kicked out of the G7 for totally unfair reasons, not for its illegal invasion and seizure of the Crimean peninsula, but because Putin "outsmarted" President Obama and hurt Obama's feelings. Trump constantly lobbies to get Russia readmitted and make the G7 the G8 again. During the 2016 campaign, he got the Republican platform changed to soften its stance against Russia's war on Ukraine. He's specifically been defunding initiatives set up by the Obama administration to protect Ukraine and other Eastern European allies from Russian aggression.

5. Actually Trump kind of supports all Russia's wars against the former Soviet satellites, as Putin seeks to consolidate power and Make Russia Great Again. At the beginning of his presidency, career national security people were weirded out when Trumpers started wanting information about "Polish incursions in Belarus," which is what is known in the world of geopolitics as NOT A THING THAT IS HAPPENING. But you know who said it was happening? The Kremlin's propaganda department, in order to scare Belarus into thinking Poland was going to invade, and thus turn Belarus more toward Russia.

6. And speaking of Trump's pet conspiracy theories about the 2016 election, we should mention that they are KREMLIN PROPAGANDA. Trump believes all Kremlin propaganda, but he especiallybelieves Putin when Putin says he didn't rig the election for Trump. Chris Stewart's brain might not have attended the impeachment hearings, but witnesses said over and over and over and fucking OVER again that Russia was the one that attacked the 2016 election, and Democratic counsel repeatedly showed Putin not only seeding the conspiracy theory about fake Ukrainian interference in the election, but also Putin's more recent quote where he thanked baby Jesus that "nobody" is blaming Russia for the 2016 attacks anymore.

7. Trump also believes Kremlin propaganda on some stuff that is really obscure for Westerners, but close to Putin's heart, and to Putin's dreams of restoring Russia to its former Soviet-era glory. He believes the Russian war in Afghanistan was a good war, at a time when Putin's government has specifically been trying to whitewash the history of that war. He was against Montenegro joining NATO, just like Putin was, and just like NOBODY ELSE WAS, because Montenegro is full of "aggressive" people who might accidentally get us into World War III. In 2016, Putin literally tried to stage a coup to depose the leader of Montenegro.

Once Montenegro did join NATO in 2017, Trump shoved the prime minister of Montenegro at a NATO meeting. (To be fair, it is possible Trump was just being a selfish dick.)

8. FUCKING SANCTIONS. What did Trump tell Russian spy Maria Butina at the beginning of his campaign? That he wanted to lift the Russian sanctions. What were all those weird meetings between Trumpers and Russians during the 2016 campaign and the transition about? Lifting Russian sanctions. What did Michael Flynn lie to the FBI about? Secret back-channeling with the Russians about lifting sanctions. Trump Tower meeting? Sanctions. Erik Prince's meeting in the Seychelles with the head of the Russian sovereign wealth fund? Sanctions. What did the Trump administration try to do almost immediately after the inauguration? Lift all the sanctions. What does Putin want more than anything in the whole world, at least as a short-term goal? For Trump to lift the sanctions.

And Trump, throughout his entire presidency, has stomped his feet and wailed every time he had to keep the sanctions or impose new sanctions. His Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is always finding excuses to un-sanction Russians.

It's the fuckin' sanctions, stupid.

9. Putin's got somethin' on him, and we still don't know what it is. Betcha Trump does, though! Maybe that's why he's always hiding the love notes from his secret sessions with Putin and getting their personal calls placed in the Bin Laden vault.

But one day we're going to see Trump's full taxes and financials, and we're going to find out if all those mysterious loans Trump got from Deutsche Bank, after no other bank would lend to Trump, were underwritten by Russian state-owned VTB bank, as has been rumored. Russia has been courting Trump since the 1980s, and it's useful to remember that the current regime in Russia came from the remnants of the old KGB. Like GOP House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said in summer of 2016, back when he was the House majority leader, "I think there's two people Putin pays — [Dana] Rohrabacher and Trump." He added that he was fuckin' serious, no kiddin'.

10. Trump has obstructed every single investigation into Russia's election attacks and other crimes. The day after he fired FBI Director James Comey, he told the Russians in the Oval Office that now that he'd dealt with that "nut job," the pressure was off of him when it came to Russia. Then he gave them some super-secret classified intel. He tried to fire Robert Mueller to stop the special counsel's investigation into Russia's "sweeping and systematic" attack on the election. Paul Manafort lied to Robert Mueller and went to prison to protect what he knew about what really happened, and what he did, in 2016.

Trump is protecting himself, clearly, but he's also protecting Putin.

11. Who treats Trump like a Russian asset? Oh just everybody. His bumblefucking around and giving the Russians classified intel in the Oval Office also contributed, at least partially, to the CIA having to extract its most secret spy from the Kremlin, the one who provided the intel that said Putin had directly ordered the 2016 election attack. Indeed, Trump just thinks it is very HOW RUDE! to spy on people he loves, like Putin and Kim Jong-Un. You're welcome, Vladimir!

Hell, THE PENTAGON has been known to hold back info about operations against Russia from Trump, for fear he will blab it TO RUSSIA. That's right, THE PENTAGON treats Trump like a Russian asset.

12. Who does Trump blame when Putin murders somebody on foreign soil? NOT PUTIN!

As we said, this list is in no way exhaustive. It's just what we've cobbled together over the course of a couple hours.


As a final answer to Chris Stewart's very stupid question, we dunno, but Trump's response to the intel briefing y'all are all so mad about was to fire the acting director of national intelligence and install a loyalist, because he was mad Democrats and thereby the American people might find out Russia was stroking his electoral balls again. That might seem like a clue as to whose side he's really on, and why Putin might want to keep his American presidential asset right where he is.

You know, just maybe, if we were to hazard a wild guess.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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